Queer by choice?

There's a lot of discussions about "internalized homophobia" going on here. Talk about racism, prejudice, religion, and all that's on your mind. Now you have a new place to gab.

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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby Ashpenaz » Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:06 pm

RedRocker, I tend to agree with you. My masculinity is more fundamental to my identity than my gayness. I am more fundamentally like my straight friends than people who overdo the gay identity. I think that my understanding of being gay is simple--I'm a man who likes men. I find men sexually attractive. I don't feel I have change my understanding of myself as male in order to have sex with men. Or, at least, that's the theory. :?

Rather than separate myself from the rest of the world and jump into some gay ghetto, my technique is to live my life and do what I like to do and meet guys I find attractive. Then, I try to spend enough time with them to see if the feeling is mutual. My success rate? After 50 years, 0%. :o Absolutely none of the men I've found attractive has ever been attracted back.

So, RR, I think you're right--but, as you say, it's kind of a lonely path. I'm the lone gay in my group, and I'm hoping to find more likeminded gays on blogs like this since I don't think there are very many in the gay world at large.
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby CO_RedRocker » Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:44 pm

Thanks for the backup, but I don't think this is the place for me.
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby nimby » Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:28 am

Ashpenaz wrote:RedRocker, I tend to agree with you. My masculinity is more fundamental to my identity than my gayness. I am more fundamentally like my straight friends than people who overdo the gay identity. I think that my understanding of being gay is simple--I'm a man who likes men. I find men sexually attractive. I don't feel I have change my understanding of myself as male in order to have sex with men. Or, at least, that's the theory. :?

Rather than separate myself from the rest of the world and jump into some gay ghetto, my technique is to live my life and do what I like to do and meet guys I find attractive. Then, I try to spend enough time with them to see if the feeling is mutual. My success rate? After 50 years, 0%. :o Absolutely none of the men I've found attractive has ever been attracted back.

So, RR, I think you're right--but, as you say, it's kind of a lonely path. I'm the lone gay in my group, and I'm hoping to find more likeminded gays on blogs like this since I don't think there are very many in the gay world at large.


You'll see, this place is different. There are many straight acting guys here just like you. And many are in long term, comitted relationships. Many even met right here. Just give us a chance. We all come from different places in life and with different experiences, one does not fit al here.

So please, stick around, share your thoghts and be accepting of others (as long as they're not too controversial and/or illegal) and who knows what might happen.

Cheers
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby CO_RedRocker » Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:56 am

Nah, it's cool, I don't fit in here any more than I fit in with the scene gays. I see that I'm fucked on this path and destined for a miserable lonely life, unless I change everything about me and become a stereotype or try extra hard to go for chicks. I'm not going to spend another decade or two trying to find somethin as rare as a masculine gay dude around my age interested in a relationship. Apparently thats asking too much.
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby ispeaktexan » Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:59 pm

CO_RedRocker wrote:Nah, it's cool, I don't fit in here any more than I fit in with the scene gays. I see that I'm fucked on this path and destined for a miserable lonely life, unless I change everything about me and become a stereotype or try extra hard to go for chicks. I'm not going to spend another decade or two trying to find somethin as rare as a masculine gay dude around my age interested in a relationship. Apparently thats asking too much.


The reason you don't fit in, or the reason you feel you are destined for this 'miserable lonely life' is all brought upon by yourself.
You don't have to fit in.
You need to change your attitude.
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby CO_RedRocker » Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:49 pm

Sure, right after you point me to the magic wand or pill that makes me completely forget the last decade and ignore the fact that many of you on this board are much older than me and still searching for this mythical masculine gay dude interested in a real relationship.

How's that working out for you so far anyway?
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby nimby » Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:58 pm

It's working awesome, thanks.!!! And us "older guys" who are partnered can show you how it's done, if you care to listen ( I'm 41 by the way, and there are many on here much younger than me and you). You just have to want to be happy. The rest will take care of itself. Believe us when we say we know what it's like to be kicked around. You are not that different from the rest of us. But remember, like attracts like. If all you put out is negativity, that's all you're gonna get.
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby Ashpenaz » Thu Nov 18, 2010 3:28 pm

I believe that if I do what I do and like who I like, eventually, the right people will come into my life. Although I have had absolutely no luck with this method, I still believe that there must be some small percentage of the guys I meet in my day-to-day life that I find attractive who will find me attractive. I just don't think I'm the craigslist or bar type. All the important people in my life came to me in ways I could never have planned, so if God is OK with me having sex, then He knows how to find me. I really believe, against all odds, it's going to happen someday.

This summer, I kept score for our softball complex. Every weekend, I saw many, many attractive guys. I can't believe that they were all 100% straight. And while I couldn't run out on the field and meet them, I have to believe that if it's meant to be, our paths will cross. I can't believe the Big City has more attractive men than here--and I don't need that many. One or two will do--or one. Or any. :?

I'm sorry RR feels the way he does, because I agree with many of his insights. But you can't live there--you have to move on and let life happen.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby ispeaktexan » Thu Nov 18, 2010 4:52 pm

CO_RedRocker wrote:Sure, right after you point me to the magic wand or pill that makes me completely forget the last decade and ignore the fact that many of you on this board are much older than me and still searching for this mythical masculine gay dude interested in a real relationship.

How's that working out for you so far anyway?


Well I'm 18, and at the moment it's going well for me.
I am currently talking to a guy who is interested in a real relationship.
By thinking this way you are doing more damage to yourself than you believe you are.
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby DeckApe » Fri Nov 19, 2010 1:24 pm

I'm with Tex on this. I'm 37, been with the same guy for seven years (cohab'ing for five) and our relationship TOTALLY snuck up on us.

I will admit that finding the right guy can be a long and uncomfortable search, but it only takes one.

However, it also takes optimism which you have to find within you somewhere. And I also admit that isn't easy either.

Try not to give up. I wish it were as easy as going to a club or bar with a t-shirt that said "Looking For A One-Life Stand."
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Re: Queer by choice?

Postby PhillyAgenda » Thu Nov 25, 2010 1:45 am

I think I get where Red Rocker is coming from here. I wouldn't say I'm depressed or sad really but lately I've been feeling pessimistic about the prospects of actually finding another masculine guy like myself that I can actually have some type of relationship with. Not only that but resentful of straight couples in general because it always seems so easy for them to just fall into relationships (even though I know a lot of people have the same problems no matter the sexuality). Then at myself for not doing enough to actually put myself out there.

I didn't even really tell anyone I was into guys until I was 20. And it took a little while still for me to actually do anything with another guy. I'm 26 now and I've never actually had what you could call a real relationship. A hookup at 2am every other week just doesn't cut it. And it's pretty aggravating falling for these masculine guys only to realize that they actually are straight (and I have a feeling I'm doing it again right now). But I guess what keeps me going is that I know there are other guys out there who are masculine like me and want something real, even though finding each other seems like trying to find freakin Jimmy Hoffa. It can still happen and I'm getting tired of being alone. Changing my mannerisms and personality to become stereotypically gay or going after girls isn't gonna happen. With the alternative being attempting to change who you really are and getting into relationships that you really have no desire to be in, I'd say you just gotta keep trying.
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