Dual Attraction -- How do you recognize a bi man?

[Rico]

Allen was really frustrated in his dealings with gay men, even those he thought were his close friends. According to Allen, “They question the validity of my bisexuality, and think of me as gay. They tell me that I can’t cope with being gay so I call myself bisexual.”

It’s a familiar and understandable feeling among gay men that many of these bi men are just exercising what’s commonly called “heterosexual privilege.” They get all the benefits of living in society without discrimination, yet always seem to find a way to have sex with men on the side.

What are your experiences in dealing with men who identify as bi? How many do you think are just gay men who don’t want to admit to being gay? What is a bisexual? How do you recognize one?

[olywaguy]

A bisexual person is someone who is attracted to both genders. If that person says that they are bisexual then I will take their word for it and don't dispute it. If that's how he identifies himself, so be it. Some bisexuals might like men more than women or women more than men or both genders equally. A bisexual person is attracted to both.

Like a few guys here have mentioned, they couldn't possibly be attracted to a woman. I know that is true for me as well. But if a guy likes both genders, then that's what he likes. Who are we to question it?

We need to stop finding ways to separate from each other and find ways to support each others. The gay community is already fractured as it is already between young and old, thin and not so thin, passive and submissive, etc.

Stop nagging the poor guy and accept him for who he is. Stop psychoanalyzing everything too. It took me 38 years (am 46 years old now) to figure out my attraction to guys. Looking back, I can now spot instances when I had attraction toward guys but I didn't see it then. It took a long time for me to see it.

Now, let's be supportive of our bisexual friends and stop nagging him about it. Let him be.

[backpacker]

Truthfully, I've never really understood bisexuality but I don't understand why I'm gay either and have the attractions I have, I just go with it as natural for me. Just like some straight people may not understand why people are gay or bisexual. Just because I may not understand doesn't mean I'm against it or dismiss it you are what you are. I find it sort of interesting the spectrum of sexuality that exists. As for my experiences with bisexual men, my partner used to be married and has two kids that we both share now. He used to have sex with men and women before he got married then after he divorced it was just men. So is this a case of bisexuality transitioning to homosexuality or a phase etc? Didn't really care when I met him and don't now as I love him. Other than my man, haven't really had contact with a guy who is bisexual that I've known of I think it would be hard to tell without asking

[nimby]

How do I recognize one? I just look in the mirror. Other than that, I think it'd be rather difficult recognizing someone's sexuality by seeing them walking down the street. Just like a masculine gay man, or a feminine lesbian. Maybe that's part of the problem, that we blend in to both worlds so seamlessly that we're practically unidentifiable. Even to eachother. Causes for some very lonely people.

[Rico]

... So is this a case of bisexuality transitioning to homosexuality or a phase etc?

I think that's a great question! I've always felt that the notion of someone "transitioning" to homosexuality tends to disguise what really goes on in the way most bisexuals live their lives, at least on how I chose to live mine.

Some bi's are serially bisexual, meaning they have sex with just men or just women over a period of time, and just the other sex over another period of time. Some of those periods can be short, or last for decades, even a majority of one's lifetime. The other type of bisexual, and I suspect more rare because of the difficulties involved, are those who are simultaneously bisexual, having separate relations with men and woman during the same period of time.

You are so right about how interesting is the spectrum of human sexuality. Why we find a need to put a single label on everyone reminds me of Benchley's quote: "There are two kinds of people in this world, those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't." When it comes to the subject of human sexuality, I think we're better off tossing out the labels and talking about the person, as you seem to have done with your partner.

[Rico]

How do I recognize one? ...... Other than that, I think it'd be rather difficult recognizing someone's sexuality by seeing them walking down the street.

You know what I meant...à reconnaître and not by sight!

But your point is well-taken. Bisexuals are all around us blending in seemlessly, and there are probably more of them than we'll ever know.

[glas_scot]

^I don't believe that at all. Why? Two reasons: The world doesn't work on "black or white" or "this or that". If it did well, it would be a very different and boring place, think about it. Secondly, that is the EXACT same argument heterosexual's give about gay men. I am going to quote some of what you said but just flip it to show you what I mean.

There is no such thing as gay men. They are simply guys who are straight. Sure, they can get it up with men, but their heart isn't in it. It's just a physical aspect that doesn't match their true desire. Just like many straight men I know can technically, physically speaking, get it up with a man, but have no interest in pursuing any romantic relationship with them. Being able to have sex with man, in a purely mechanical way, is a great asset for these men, cuz they can continue the facade that they "like men" and still be able to have make tricks on the side. Another thing, these so-called "gay" men can't commit. They always seem to want to be with multiple partners, they are just confused, and repressed as what their true nature is, heterosexuality.

[madsglen]

OK. I think you've made your point, or at least stated your opinion (over and over). But you sometimes tend to refute your own opinion and make statements that could just as easily be stated the other way around. For example, maybe they can get it up for a man but their heart isn't in it (as in 'it's just a physical aspect that doesn't match their true desire' ). Maybe having sex with men is a purely mechanical function. And maybe, just maybe, if you asked a bisexual man to rate his preference on any given day he'd say was 60% or 70% attracted to men one day and later he'd have to say he was closer to 60% attracted to women. Or maybe he'd consistently be 50/50. I suspect people identify as bisexual is actually because they can't always plot the so-called 'true desire' you are so definite about. Personally, I think it would be less 'convenient' in our society to feel this way. Especially when most people seem to think one should be only 'one way or the other' because it's more convenient for them to feel comfortable ("Come on. Would you please just pick already, dammit, so I won't be uncomfortable thinking about you having sex with a man/woman...").

Maybe it comes down more to affectional and emotional preference in some cases. Maybe, when it comes to an emotional connection they identify more as heterosexual yet they can have a strong physical attraction to men. Or the other way around. Or it can change over time, depending upon the person. There are people on this board, I'm sure, who could testify to that. One's emotions and one's physical feelings aren't always necessarily in synch. I know a number men, sad as it may seem, who identify as gay for whom sex is purely sex and have no desire at all to form lasting emotional ties or enter into any sort of a relationship with another man. But they have no problem developing close emotional relationships with women friends with whom they'd never consider a potential sexual partner. What's up with that? (And don't use the tired arguement that gay men are more 'feminine' when it comes to their feelings and emotions.)

As far as 'committing' in any sort of relationship, I've always considered that more of an emotional commitment and maybe a personal contract. People don't enter into a marriage or partnership just because they're physically compatible or solely because of the physical aspect of their relationship. At least not in this day and age. The reason people are hurt and even devastated by an affair is because of the betrayal they feel when his or her partner develops a strong emotional connection with another person. Or that they've broken their promise (actual or perceived) to stay physically faithful only to them.

And as far as bisexual people seeming to want to have it all and be with multiple partners, I don't buy it. (For the record, there are bisexual women, too. In fact most of the people I know who identify as bisexual are women.) The same can be said of many people gay, straight or bisexual. Maybe your continued insistence and concern that bi men can't commit to being homosexual has less to do with any conviction that they're really confused and gay and 'opportunists' than some concern that they just might prefer some woman to you. Or maybe it comes from a specific situation or instance where you just don't want to accept the person can't or won't conform to your strict definition.

[Schlodesss]

The way i can always tell a guy is Bi, is they have little green tails that they have to tuck up under their belts, if yo look close you can see them.

'Bout as easy as you can spot a gay guy that isn't obviously Gay. You can't, not w/o asking. And basically the quickest, most efficient way to do so, a' la Cloudy [please come back ] walk up and flat out ask.

I used to think that was insane, my buddy Derrek used to say the same thing... see someone you kinda like.. and want a date? walk up and ask... I used to say "what U nuts????". He said "what's the worst thats going to happen???" I said "I could get a punch in the mouth!". He replied "first off... probably not... but chances are if you had to fight you would hold your own or tune the guy... second... they probably wouldn't fight, they would just say no thanks and either not be flattered, or say no thanks, but be flattered, or.... might just reach out to shake your hand and say yeah, i'm so and so, and i'd like to go out for dinner".

Takes a TON of courage do so though.

[PhillyAgenda]

If someone tells me they are Bi, I take them at their word. How to recognize them? You can't really. You really can't recognize anyone's sexuality apart from feminine men and masculine women (and even then you may be wrong sometimes).

So I agree that a lot of us are just unidentifiable in terms of our sexual preference. For the most part straight people can openly flirt with each other (and even with us) without worrying if they're going to offend someone or even have hostility directed towards them. And if they do come onto us, I think it's expected that we'll take it as a compliment. With gay guys who are practically identical in terms of mannerism/behavior with straight guys, it seems much more difficult.

[butch]

Methinks there are far more bi men than anyone realizes, including the bi men.

Many of them... the "Bi" men are the very same ones who proclaim, loudly, that homosexuality is a choice... one that they (unknowingly) have made, i.e. they have chosen to suppress their homo desires and actively selected to be "straight". They go through life hating gay men, or at least loathing gay sex, to feel better about their suppressed desire to get up close and personal with a man. And, methinks, there are few "bi" men who's sexual desires are 50-50 either way. Mostly they will be inclined more towards one sex than the other... I base this upon observation. I think the 50-50 (they could go either way and enjoy it) men/women will be very frustrated in life, often depressed and unhappy in all their relationships.

And I think this is true because I had a long term (10 year) relationship with a guy... and we did EVERYTHING, but he always said he was straight, and I know, for a fact, he truly preferred women over men. But he really, really enjoyed the sex we had. No doubt about that. I was crazy about him. I always let him initiate the sex. He couldn't go longer than 6 weeks without calling me. The one thing he didn't like was kissing.

I suggest avoiding getting involved with a bi guy unless you are prepared for a lot of difficulty. Take it for what it is. Be "friends with benefits" so long as you don't have a lover, or a lover who allows an "open" relationship.

[nimby]

LOL!!! There's the Butch we all know and love!!!

If there are people who are exclusively gay, and people who are exclusively straight, why can't there be people who are exclusively bi and actually enjoy both sexes? You base you opinion on your experience with one man who couldn't admit to anything. But there are lots of people who are bi, males and females, and who are married and have spouses who understand and let them take a lover of the same sex. Those spouses are the most incredible people around cause they are willing to share their partners with someone else. That I know, cause I have one. She has met my male lover and just thinks the world of him. They chat together on a regular basis. Now I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's getting there. Anything worth having is worth working for. The rewards are some very happy and fulfilled people.

[butch]

I don't think one can "recognize" a bi man with any set of rules or guidance. I think they're even better at hiding their desires than closeted gay men. Very hard to spot, they are.

Today (Sunday) I've been painting and trying to keep busy (it's cold, wet, and windy out there, today). So, took some time to sit in front of my webcam and babble on about bisexuals. Made this short video...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gsm6Ofqa6fU

Don't know how many here do their own YouTube channel. I have 4 of them.

[nimby]

I don't think one can "recognize" a bi man with any set of rules or guidance. I think they're even better at hiding their desires than closeted gay men. Very hard to spot, they are.

Of course Butch, I have to disagree. Check these out:

http://www.queerbychoice.com/choicelinks.html