article- Myth of the Male Orgasm...

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article- Myth of the Male Orgasm...

Postby nimby » Mon Dec 27, 2010 11:18 pm

I really enjoyed this. Hope you do too.

"Common wisdom about female orgasms a few dozen years ago was that women should be able to have them through penetration, with no additional stimulation – or they were frigid. So far, we seem to be well on our way to debunking that – most people understand that clitoral stimulation, or g-spot stimulation, or anal play, or vibrators, or other forms of stimulation are usually required in addition to (or even – gasp! – instead of) penetration. Sex education is about feminism, right? It’s about empowering women to have the sex lives they deserve. I get that.

The problem is that we have done wrong by men. We’ve developed the Cult of the Come Shot. Every guy is focused on busting a nut, and every guy can do it lots of ways, at any time…or he’s not really a man. He’s either fully functional sexually, or he’s got ED and therefore requires some chemical assistance in order to be a whole man. The problem is – for most guys, this isn’t reality.

One of the plus sides to being a sexually active, non-monogamous person who has sex with men is that I get to be privy to exactly how a variety of guys have sex. One of the down sides to being a sex educator is hearing how many people of all genders have deep, personal misconceptions about orgasms for men. The sad thing is how many of those misconceptions cause personal doubts about sexual behavior, self esteem issues, and relationship problems – and how rarely those misconceptions are addressed.

I’ve heard a lot of explanations from partners, often with a tinge of shame on their part. One guy I’ve had amazing sex with in the past said that usually, penetration and oral sex were “off the table” with partners; his problem, he believes, is that his circumcision wasn’t performed correctly and robbed him of much of the sensation. He gets off ok (if sometimes slowly) with his hands – but PIV sex & blow jobs aren’t going to do the job for him (or even, in some cases, give him enough sensation to maintain an erection).

And he’s not alone. I’ve been intimate with guys who can only orgasm in one position, and guys whose orgasms take a long time to work up to. I’ve been with guys who prefer to not use their cocks at all during sex, including forgoing all stimulation to their nether regions. I’ve been with guys whose ability to orgasm goes down as their stress levels go up. I’ve been with guys who go through weeks or months of not being “in the mood”.

You know what? NONE of that is inherently bad, or wrong, or “unmanly”. Just like we’ve all been preaching to women for the past 30 years, orgasms – and sexual pleasure – happen differently for each individual. Setting up an environment where men feel like they have to be sexual “on demand” is just as damaging and anti-feminist as inflicting those same expectations on women.

This also means that partners of men need to challenge their own expectations – and realize that the problems may not actually be problems. Often, we feel incompetent or not good enough when we don’t see the proof of our partner’s pleasure, and we may wonder if we’re sexy enough, or even if they are even turned on by us. Occasionally it ends up being a blame game on the guy – he must be getting his orgasms somewhere else, either by using porn, masturbating, or even cheating – and we get angry. We may even let it stop our conversations about what really feels good and intimate to us, as partners – and intimacy can slip into this nebulous place where we put the other things that don’t quite work and we don’t want to question.

Let’s start making room for these conversations in our relationships, and with our new partners. If we believe that sex should be about both people receiving pleasure, then finding out what pleasure actually means to each other should be at the start of that discussion, not an afterthought to be dredged up after expectations are not met. If guys aren’t orgasming the way they want, we need to support them in both checking in with their doctors to eliminate any physical reasons, and engage with them in things that do bring them pleasure without bogging down in unrealistic expectations.

Most of all, society could use a bit of a reality check: men don’t, by virtue of having a penis, always have the sexual response that we might imagine; and they do have the same right to their own health, pleasure and sexuality that we’re finally seeing women claim. The goal of sex positivity (at least for me) is that every person feel good about who they are, what their body does, and the pleasure that they can get from it – and if we don’t offer that to every person, regardless of their genitals, then we fail."

Posted: December 16th, 2010
at 7:08pm by Sarah Sloane

http://www.sarahsloane.net/2010/12/the- ... le-orgasm/
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: article- Myth of the Male Orgasm...

Postby olywaguy » Tue Dec 28, 2010 2:19 am

All that I got from this article is that she's a big slut. :P
Carlos

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Re: article- Myth of the Male Orgasm...

Postby nimby » Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:43 am

LOL! Then who better to know how to physically please a man. Seriously though, is she a slut because she is a woman? Would you feel different if a man wrote the article? And what makes her a slut? Because she is sexually active? Are all sexually active people sluts or just women? Aren't You sexually active?

And another point; who is more concerned about their partner's pleasure, a straight woman or a gay man? Who cares more about their own pleasure? Hmmmmm...

Interesting insight Carlos.
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: article- Myth of the Male Orgasm...

Postby Phoenix6570 » Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:19 pm

I liked this article too. I'm not going to mention anything specific to me or what I've observed, but it did cause several bells to ring while reading this.
"As long as a person doesn't admit he's defeated, he is not defeated-- he's just a little behind, and isn't through fighting" ~ Darrel Royal
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