Misinterpresting "softness" for being effeminate

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Misinterpresting "softness" for being effeminate

Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Sat Jul 30, 2005 1:04 am

OK, no promises that this post won't change from this initial posting.


I just had someone send me an instant message and tell me that "I liked it when you said a couple of times you loved me".

Personally, I don't remember saying that, but I might have. I've felt like that at times (with others, not this particular guy) and have said that to them. And some of them have said it to me in return.

But one thing is for sure -- if guys want to say "I love you" to other guys -- if they want to be tender with them -- they certainly will learn soon enough not to be so open about their feelings after some time in the gay world of "hookups" and "dating".


How many gay dudes have been tempted to say "I love you" to the first guy they had sex with? Even more importantly, how many guys that went ahead and actually said it have looked back on that moment and cringed with embarassment, because they were so "naive" and "weak" and swear they'll never let it happen again?


The sad thing is that, both in the straight "world" and the gay "world", "softness" [i.e. telling the people you care about how you feel about them, at least when they're tender, loving feelings] is mistaken for weakness. Guys are taught to not "wear their hearts on their sleeves" so to speak. A hetero man who does that with women will probably spark the though "He must be gay" at some point in that woman's head. A gay guy who says that too "soon" to the guys he meets is crusing for a bruising (on his heart).

How do you feel about the fact that showing your tender emotions is so often characterized by weakness?

I'm particularly interested in what those who meet the "criteria" of this website -- the 'straight acting' ones -- feel about this. If you tell another guy you love him too soon, do you forfeit your chance to be a "straight acting" guy?
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Postby ditchdigger » Sat Jul 30, 2005 4:29 pm

I'll answer on this one.

Been there and have had that,
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Fri Aug 12, 2005 6:39 pm

ditchdigger wrote:Did I get close to what you wanted there URSA?


Ugh!! I didn't realize that this actually made it to the board. I posted this a while back when the board was going through debugging errors or what not, so I never really thought follow up was necessary, because it wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, I'm not in heavy think mode, it being TGIF and all... but I'll look at this later, and let ya know. Sounds long and most likely will be very helpful. Totally appreciate your response ahead of me actually reading all of it!

Kudos, and will be getting back to you soon.
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Re: Misinterpresting "softness" for being effemina

Postby Guest » Fri Aug 12, 2005 6:53 pm

UnRepublicanstraightactor wrote:




The sad thing is that, both in the straight "world" and the gay "world", "softness" [i.e. telling the people you care about how you feel about them, at least when they're tender, loving feelings] is mistaken for weakness. Guys are taught to not "wear their hearts on their sleeves" so to speak. A hetero man who does that with women will probably spark the though "He must be gay" at some point in that woman's head. A gay guy who says that too "soon" to the guys he meets is crusing for a bruising (on his heart).



How do you feel about the fact that showing your tender emotions is so often characterized by weakness?

I'm particularly interested in what those who meet the "criteria" of this website -- the 'straight acting' ones -- feel about this. If you tell another guy you love him too soon, do you forfeit your chance to be a "straight acting" guy?


It's time that all Men, both gay and straight, stop acting like gross little imitations of John Wayne. Softness and tenderness is not a weakness, and it can be very masculine.
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:31 am

ditchdigger wrote:Did I get close to what you wanted there URSA?


Oh wait. It was indeed you who responded. Damn. OK, still getting around to my response. Sorry for the egregious delay...
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Postby blackmet » Wed Sep 07, 2005 12:25 am

Yes, I did say it the first time I had sex.

But only because he said it to me first, and it's sort of...I dunno...rude not to reply back with that. It wasn't love at that time, never WAS really...friendship, yes. Lust, yes. But love...not quite. And I do remember being sort of freaked out by the entire thing.

Eventually he confronted me on it, asking me if I really meant it when I said it...I stammered around and told him "Well, uh, YEAH, I meant it at that moment." LOL

Wonder why we broke up soon after? :P
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Postby Ben » Wed Sep 07, 2005 1:00 pm

blackmet wrote:Yes, I did say it the first time I had sex.


I said it, and I meant it! 8)
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Postby ditchdigger » Wed Sep 07, 2005 10:33 pm

ho boy...didn't realize this made it back to the board til today...ya know when there are posts that haunt you? my first response was one of those. Man, I must've been in a mood that night.

As for the fellow whom there was the quandry over telling him my feelings... Well, I did just that and although he did not feel the same, he did handle it most graciously and gave one of the nicer 'no thanks' I'd ever received. We are still friends, and that works. At least it was out in the open and now done with, so that is good.
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Wed Sep 07, 2005 11:31 pm

blackmet wrote:Yes, I did say it the first time I had sex.

But only because he said it to me first, and it's sort of...I dunno...rude not to reply back with that. It wasn't love at that time, never WAS really...friendship, yes. Lust, yes. But love...not quite. And I do remember being sort of freaked out by the entire thing.

Eventually he confronted me on it, asking me if I really meant it when I said it...I stammered around and told him "Well, uh, YEAH, I meant it at that moment." LOL

Wonder why we broke up soon after? :P


Wow. That experience sorta sucked. Sorry to hear that.
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Wed Sep 07, 2005 11:32 pm

ditchdigger wrote:ho boy...didn't realize this made it back to the board til today...ya know when there are posts that haunt you? my first response was one of those. Man, I must've been in a mood that night.


OK. Well let me know if you don't want me to bother responding to it, then. I really have been meaning to get around to it, but this kind of stuff is way more complicated and hard to sort out and appropriately dignify than "politics".
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Postby ditchdigger » Thu Sep 08, 2005 8:11 am

not worth the hassle...
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Postby devilnuts » Thu Sep 08, 2005 5:51 pm

blackmet wrote:Yes, I did say it the first time I had sex.

But only because he said it to me first, and it's sort of...I dunno...rude not to reply back with that. It wasn't love at that time, never WAS really...friendship, yes. Lust, yes. But love...not quite. And I do remember being sort of freaked out by the entire thing.

Eventually he confronted me on it, asking me if I really meant it when I said it...I stammered around and told him "Well, uh, YEAH, I meant it at that moment." LOL

Wonder why we broke up soon after? :P


LOL...I've done that a time or two. What you really meant to say was, "I lust after you at this moment...no shut up and do it faster!!!!" :twisted: :shock:
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:19 pm

ditchdigger wrote:by all means, URSA, please reply.


OK, kewl. Will try to reply ASAP. Truth to tell, I'm not in the same frame of mind as I was when I decided to post this, but perhaps will return to that emotional wavelength some time in the next month or so and then will assesss your posting carefully and thoughtfully and then come up with something to further the discussion.
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Postby UnRepublicanstraightactor » Sat Sep 17, 2005 7:31 pm

ditchdigger wrote:Luckily I found out he was too narcisistic to love anyone and said that quite often to partners in bed. But I think it does apply to what you are saying here, URSA. For this particular guy, saying the words was a way he thought he could inspire his tricks...


Ugh! That's... that's... just wrong on so many levels.


OK... I am reading through this in bits and pieces, but man that, guy is a scumbag.


More later.
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Re: Misinterpresting "softness" for being effeminate

Postby nimby » Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:10 pm

I think this one is great to bring back to life.
Yes, I think it happens all the time, misinterpreting softness for being effiminate. But I don't think it is right. Softness and feminity are not necessarily mutually inclusive. Give me a nice, tender and loving guy every time. I'll pass on the random, anonymous bath house hook ups, thanks.

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Re: Misinterpresting "softness" for being effeminate

Postby olywaguy » Sun Mar 06, 2011 1:43 am

nimby wrote: Give me a nice, tender and loving guy every time. "A gentle boy is called a sissy, but a gentle man is called... a gentleman."


Very few guys are like you Nimby. Most guys today don't want that. All they want is what is on the surface. Way too many in the gay community are just interested in the physical and in the moment. They are not interested in "a nice, tender, and loving guy."
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Re: Misinterpresting "softness" for being effeminate

Postby nimby » Sun Mar 06, 2011 5:12 pm

I wish more guys were interested in it. Nice, gentle, rugged intimacy. 8)
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