Almost at the Leap of Faith Point - Advice needed!

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Almost at the Leap of Faith Point - Advice needed!

Postby Wee-Cat 1993 » Fri Dec 27, 2013 4:36 pm

Hi everyone, I'm 19 & I'm gay, however I'm at that stage where if i do speak to anybody about my sexuality I plan to say I'm Bisexual rather than full scale gay. This could just be a precaution or a little subconscious bad habit/safety net but it is what it is.

Basically when I went to Secondary/High school I had an awful experience from day 1 of people bullying me because they perceived me to be gay. I got laughed at and insulted by girls and boys, everyone thought I was a complete fag and i got every insult under the sun. That took a huge toll on my mental and physical well being and involved a drastic change in life paths for myself, basically getting involved with wrong crowds, taking drugs, breaking the law, depression, psychosis, medications for 7 years, the whole shizzam! :oops:

Now I am in quite a different place, in that i've leveled out, and separated the people who actually like me from people who hated me and don't matter anymore. I've stopped taking drugs now (regularly) and am almost off all medications. I don't get bullied or judged wrongly when people first meet me, i usually get treated respectfully, and i've earned that over the years despite any dick-ish ways I went about getting it.
I'm straight acting, and actually am quite a rough thug like little guy, lol, but i have a very eccentric side to myself :) I'm pretty zany & a bit of an extremist and most people know this about me and know it's just the way i'm wired. A lot of people have suspected that im gay, but i've spent years hiding it because of the negative experience i had at school. I only told my best friend this year so i went through all of school hiding it, apart from my parents. My friend accepted me fully and said that she thinks people don't really care, but the thing is that i know that people do care.

The thing i fear most really is wanting to just be able to go out normally and make friends and then getting rejected when they find out my secret. My mood is changing rapidly as i write this, i'm keeping this going because I need to stop avoiding my feelings and trying to change my state or avoid things, i'm gunna keep going! I'm afraid of telling a couple more good friends (girls only so far) about my sexuality because i know it will bring me and the girl closer because most girls feel fine round gay guys, but im afraid of her telling her boyfriend and saying to me that she wont tell a soul (but not counting her boyfriend because he is her boyfriend) and telling him and them him acting wierd or different around me. :evil:

I'm afraid that i can never persue certain careers and goals in life because my sexuality is holding me back. I'd like to do acting, but how many actors get to be the big hero character in a feature film ya know? there's this whole "behind closed doors" straight acting thing that i've tried looking into everyway possible because i feel there is some kind of ways that gay guys get through life protecting their sexuality and hiding it from the suspecting world if you get me? real behind closed doors kind of sh*t. there has to be! I've tried so hard to break the stereotypes, if i'm gay and im not camp as a christmas tree surely then there are guys potentially even more rough and thuggy than myself out there with sexuality issues ?!!

When i start chatting to a guy who might be a potential "mate" i get really revved up, i get butterflies- as gay as that sounds, I look out for the body language etc, get so high from it all but then i feel this sort of desperate 'no come back- it's slipping away' kind of feeling if he starts talking about girls or things that suggest that he is straight, and then i try and cancel that out with another positive thought like, maybe he's just trying to prove his straight acting nature and see how i react to it, so keep my head up until i see him actually get into a relationship or have action with a girl and then thats when i drop into a deep depression, like rock bottom. :|

I need to really figure out what the point is i'm trying to make here, because it's a bit waffely so i'm sorry if this isn't laid out well i basically did a bit of a mind dump thing. I will get my point across for the next time i come onto this website, just need a bit of advice. i don't want to grow old regretting never leaping and exposing myself to some people who maybe might want me! But i also don't want to have people who are afraid to associate with me or hug me or talk to me because they're homophobic etc, it's driving me nuts guys!
Wee-Cat 1993
 
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Re: Almost at the Leap of Faith Point - Advice needed!

Postby DeckApe » Mon Dec 30, 2013 11:09 am

Hello, and welcome!

Congratulations on first admitting it to yourself. That in itself is a big step. Everyone else is more of a need-to-know basis.

Do I see from your post that your parents are already in the loop? If so, may I ask how that went?

I personally didn't get serious about coming out until I was 32, so you're ahead of the game, and it's good to know that in general, it's getting better (albeit slowly). I didn't dare come out in high school. Fortunately very few suspected.
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Re: Almost at the Leap of Faith Point - Advice needed!

Postby Wee-Cat 1993 » Thu Jan 02, 2014 5:22 pm

DeckApe wrote:Hello, and welcome!

Congratulations on first admitting it to yourself. That in itself is a big step. Everyone else is more of a need-to-know basis.

Do I see from your post that your parents are already in the loop? If so, may I ask how that went?

I personally didn't get serious about coming out until I was 32, so you're ahead of the game, and it's good to know that in general, it's getting better (albeit slowly). I didn't dare come out in high school. Fortunately very few suspected.


Woah, you're oldschool bro! lol, Yeah it was a big step but it's something I just felt i was perhaps born with, like i never went from liking A to liking B overnight or anything like that, i've just always known what I want and like, that hasn't changed!

I told my parents when I was 14! :roll: my mum kind of accepted it no matter what, my dad said that he didn't sleep that night and it's not what he wanted for me. It was very emotional and it's still in my head but i try to forget it, it was a time that really I was uncomfortable with my sexuality. I was beginning to learn that it's something I've been stuck with, but generally over time I started trying to switch my mindset and think "well at least I'm not born with One arm" etc you know that kind of a thought process, and I also started saying fu** it, If i can't change it i may as well work it. So i had a couple of flings and relationships in that time, and they were good to be honest! i did enjoy having a partner, but after that I met one guy who i had a bad experience with, and i haven't been with a guy or girl ever since, and thats years i'm talking. I'm trying to get back to the "working it" mode right now but i've lost my confidence and am spending the next year to raise my confidence to even higher than it was before i got depressed about this all! then I'll be in good shape 2 get some action but it'll take work, and i'm prepared to do it! :D i didn't come out in high school either, but everyone suspected it haha! im straight acting now, but i was a fair bit camp and eccentric especially at that, "im not a kid anymore but im not an adult either stage" when i was like 12-13. Worst years of my life reputation wise, but probably SIMILAR, but not the same extent as what i'm on about!
Wee-Cat 1993
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Dec 18, 2013 3:15 pm


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