Came out 2 weeks ago

Was it tough or was it easy, or are you still locked in? Tell the world anonymously about your gayness should you choose.

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Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby philnaps » Mon Jun 11, 2012 10:22 pm

Hey guys! I'm a 32 year old italian dude from NYC that just came out to close family and friends about 2 weeks ago. I was heavily closeted and never thought I would ever tell anyone, but I basically started to get severe anxiety and depression, and it had to come out or I would have been broken as a person.

My friends and family have been INCREDIBLY cool and supportive, which is great, and I can only wish you all had the same experience. I live in a world of tough guys and alpha males and thought a lot of them would stop being my friends, be weird around me, or even hit me...but they were all AWESOME with it and it makes me feel great that I can be myself around them and still be accepted.

That said - my issues are with myself, and what I see working out for me.

I am incredibly straight acting. I have all straight friends. I walk, talk act and speak like "me" - which is to say, like a guy. I have no effeminate mannerisms, I just happened to be attracted to guys.

Now I am new to the community, and I'm getting very down on thinking that there are NO people out there that are like me. I shake hands hello, I don't kiss on the cheek. I call my friends bro, brah and dude, and I don't want to have to change who I am in order to fit into a "community."

Are there people out there like me who are not defined by their sexuality? I'm just me, and I happen to be sexually attracted to guys. I'm not into PDA (wouldn't be if I was straight either) and need someone I would meet to be able to hang around with me and all my straight friends and fit in and roll with the punches and jokes.

Are there people like me out there - I really just need to know, or hear of one positive story of a guy in my position. I need to know if I'm cut out to find someone, or if I'm still doomed to being single because of the way I am. I just can't see changing for anyone - and I think sexuality is private and between two people. I'm not saying I'm not affectionate or caring or loving, but to me, that's between me and someone I'm with, not the world. I'm sure in some ways I'm "scared" to just "be myself" - but I really am me, and I know how I feel and what I want...I just need to know if it's a possibility.

I came out (a) for my friends to be able to know "all" of me and remove the weight from my chest and the pressure to hook me up with girls and (b) to maybe not be alone for the rest of my life.

I'm not sure if (b) will work out and I'm still scared to be alone if I don't "conform" or "change." Sorry to be repetitive, but are there any people you have come across (maybe you) that share my views, or am I being too idealistic?
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby matinee » Mon Jun 18, 2012 2:47 am

Congrats and you will find someone or someone will find you :)
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby glas_scot » Mon Jun 18, 2012 3:46 am

There are many just like you. I'm out to everyone except immediate family now , everyone has been awesome as well and all my friends have been amazing. But they all said the same thing, you're NOT gay! Like I don't fit the stereotype at all. In fact recently one of my best mates started dating a girl and brought her out to a bar one night to introduce herself to our group of friends, he asked her "someone at the table is gay, who do you think it is?" She guessed 2 of my other friends then said he was lying! :lol:

So yes there is many others just like you. Don't focus on labels or stereotypes, you are YOU! Be yourself and don't change. A masculine guy who just happens to like weiner! :)
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby Guinness Fan » Mon Jun 18, 2012 2:43 pm

WOW - great post & welcome to the board... That kind of post makes this board worthwhile. Please stick around & share your thoughts on the germane & mundane.
God Created Guinness To Ensure The Irish Will Never Rule the World‏
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby philnaps » Tue Jun 19, 2012 6:37 am

Thanks guys. I'll definitely write some more about what I'm going through. It helps to hear your words. I need to run to work - but I'll definitely get back to you with some more of my thoughts. I appreciate your thoughts and comments on this a lot. Kind of helps me to find my way through what I'm feeling (this doesn't sound so masc lol).
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby nimby » Tue Jun 19, 2012 3:43 pm

Hi and welcome. You already did the hardest part, comming out to your friends and family. That is great! Just keep being yourself and someone will come along soon. Believe me. You may have to remind a few people that you are into guys, but just keep at it.
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby philnaps » Tue Jun 19, 2012 9:12 pm

Hey guys!

I realize I'll probably be coming out for the rest of my life - and that's something I accept. I still have trouble seeing myself in a "relationship" with a guy, using the term boyfriend, pda etc. My attraction was always sexual, not based on love or romanticism, and because I planned to stay closeted, the sexual attraction was all I would allow to develop. I still have trouble seeing a "gay life" as a possibility. Now that my friends and family have all accepted me, I need to accept myself. I was thrilled that I didn't lose them and they still treat me as the same person in every way. They even joke about it - which makes me really know they are comfortable.

What I didn't realize is that when I told them I am gay is that it meant more to them than "he likes guys." They saw the full gay life, relationships etc. + whatever stereotypes they had, which hopefully I broke. I feel like I have permission now by my loved ones to embrace being gay, and it's sad to say that I seek their acceptance, but that's the whole reason I never came out - so it is what it is. I still feel like I care too much what other people think, people not in my life, passersby. I have trouble seeing myself publicly as a gay man, but I'm slowly coming to see that it's perfectly fine and that can be a reality for me. I still struggle in that I don't want a lifestyle change - I'm a straight acting masc dude that's into guys - I don't think the club/bar scene is for me - and I do have reservations about how I'll meet guys that are like minded. I started using - so I guess there's hope there.

I do feel guilty that I am very against overtly effeminate gay men. I respect them in that they're just being themselves, but I feel like it puts a stereotype on my, one that I'm not comfortable with. I went to a seminar at work about being "out in the office" (which I am to my closest coworkers but not overall). They talked about gender identity and sexuality and played word association. I am a lesbian, I'm......"butch" and I'm a gay man, I'm......"effeminate." I just get annoyed that I feel people may view me as emasculated when they think of me as gay. Hopefully I break that stereotype as I've broken the rest my whole life - I'm a "stupid guinea" that is ridiculously book smart, I'm a guido that is gay. I've never been a stereotype and don't plan to be one now.

Did any of you have similar fears or feelings, where you knew you were sexually attracted but weren't sure if the emotional/romantic/love aspects were possible or right for you? When I would mess around with dudes on the down low, I would avoid excessive body contact or kissing - because I thought "that would make me too gay" - ridiculous - I know. I guess that was my way of suppressing those feelings as a possibility or as "ok" since I never planned on coming out.

I am doing much better with this day by day and I do feel like things will turn out the way they are supposed to.
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Re: Came out 2 weeks ago

Postby johnflat » Sun Apr 13, 2014 7:20 pm

I feel exactly the same way as you. I recognize that you posted this like 2 years ago but you read my mind with all you said. I have so much to talk to you about so please I want to chat with you more.

Email me at I can talk to you more by email.

I hope you still check this.

Talk to you soon Bro.

- Another Italian brother who feels just like you and can help.
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