being straight acting means you're always coming out

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being straight acting means you're always coming out

Postby electricguitar » Sun Oct 30, 2011 6:25 am

I'm an aggressive electric guitarist in a straight guys world. I used to go to allot of jam nights where you meet other players, I had to stop. A few don't care when I tell them I'm homosexual (and actually seem fine from that point on), most say they don't care and then everything becomes doubled arm's length, more just stop talking to me all together. I started coming out when I was 19, I'm 48 now, it's no easier. I almost feel silly posting how bad this feels being I have enough straight friends, male and female who just don't care, they have been a good support system, and a few gay friends, but I sometimes sense tongue clicking and eye rolling for I ain't flaming enough from that group. I also have for about 13 years been with a straight acting partner, so once again, I shouldn't complain. But it always feels horrible to have other musicians be so welcoming and then treat me like I was trying to sneak in under their radar because I didn't show loud and clear signs of my "gayness". They approach me first, they hang all over me, they applaud when I play, they sometimes ask for guitar lessons, then they treat me as if I was some kind of traitor when I or someone else tells them my "deal", and its easy for me to spot when someone else tells them. This has been going on for decades with me and the reason I googled "straight acting in a gay world" and found straightacting.com. I'm sure this treatment has fueled my guitar playing, almost to the point of pushing it's limits as an act of revenge - Thanks for starting this group, it did help me this morning to vent this. I'll end in saying I think it's actually getting better out there (for those who are still coming out), but I still watch my back after playing a gig when I'm packing up my equipment out in the parking lot at late hours. So be careful, but realize that there are more of you than you think!
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Re: being straight acting means you're always coming out

Postby nimby » Tue Nov 01, 2011 2:57 pm

Firstly, Hiya & welcome!!!

Secondly, I'm a little surprised. I don't know why but I thought musicians would be a little more accepting of gay guys. But you are right. We are kinda stuck in a no man's land here, not fitting in ony way or the other. You also said one more interesting thing, that there are a lot more of us than we think. I totally agree, but it's still great to hear. If you know any more like us, direct them here. We are a small but growing group who deserve to be noticed too.

So Electricguitar, hang around a while and snoop through all the posts. And give us your imput too. Explain how & where you found your guy as some guys here are looking for their mate too. We know they're out there, they're just hard to spot.

Cheers!
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: being straight acting means you're always coming out

Postby DeckApe » Wed Nov 02, 2011 6:07 pm

Welcome aboard!

I hadn't really thought about it, but you're right--it feels like we always have to come out formally sometimes. I am one of the lucky ones in that I've settled down with someone and am not having to look.
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Re: being straight acting means you're always coming out

Postby electricguitar » Thu Nov 03, 2011 9:29 am

hey thank you guys for the welcoming words. Funny how posting on here seemed to help me mentally process this stuff a little better. - To answer the question on how I met my partner, I almost hate to say....at a bar, but the good news was we didn't have to go to that bar anymore, it was kind of played out. Come to think of it we stopped going to bars all together after that. We talked on the phone for 5 days or so before we actually met up again, it was a HUGE help to getting along and breaking the ice. No fumbling for something to say when you see each other. A great foundation and a good running start to 13 looong years (haha) - As a follow up to my first post, I had a good experience the other night when I sat in at an upstate NY club. I found that I had a small group of musicians in the house that I had come out to at different times and it was one of the more welcoming nights I've had, more welcoming to me personally, nothing to do with music I think. You would think that musicians would be more accepting, but when it comes to rock & roll or blues, especially guitar, it's allot of "who's the best one here?", which never was my thing, I just always wanted to play the best that I could to my own standards. Allot of the guitar players I've met and know are looking for an achilles heel, even if it's something gossipy outside of music, so I guess some of them found mine and I got to see who were the more advanced humans (not that it's limited to guitar players mind you). In those situations allot of the players and patrons are drinking and pigging out too, they get sloppy and say things they might not say if they had their thoughts together. Even then you see who is ok even after they're buzzed and digesting. Somebody could be a total jerk but not at all care about gay or straight. None of this will ever be a black or white issue, so my contribution is to get acceptance as a person, maybe even open a few people's eyes on the fact that it's not all one stereotype and I won't ever be putting my hand on their knee or calling them girl.
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