should i come out?

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should i come out?

Postby muse » Fri Feb 04, 2011 7:44 pm

hello, even before i've started writing im getting all emotional....this is my first post.

no one knows that im attracted to men....i dont even like to think of myself as gay...because its forbidden in my religion and i really dont want to hurt or dissappoint my family or anyone. i've pushed these feelings away for a long time, kept it hidden, but recently ive had some connection with this guy that i really like, i have never liked a guy like this before..i have never even been with a guy nor a girl.
im not the sort of guy to go and look for a relationship or anything , but this just happened, i didnt mean for it to. The situation is he's got a girlfriend who he's been with a very long time. ive been working with him and have got to know him for 2 years now, we only see each other at university, quite rarely,so i don't kno if he taken any liking to me. its selfish to go after sometime whos taken, and i dont want to offend him or make him feel awkward with me. nor do i want o hurt his girlfriend.
i want to tell him about me and how i feel about him, but im afraid.
when i first worked with him we was quite affectionate with me, giving me winks, just being really sweet to me...but maybe he's like that with everyone. i dont know! he could seem quite gay sometimes but its hard to tell, maybe its just in my head.
we've also got a 10 year age gap....which i think make things harder. our race is different and our religion, all i see are the negative side to how this is never going to work, and it breaks me everytime.... i need some support, some reassurance, some advise. ...should i tell him?

thanks for listening, it feesl like a weight off my shoulder letting this out on here.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby furface » Fri Feb 04, 2011 10:21 pm

Muse:

There's only one folk ya have to come out to and that's YOU. When, or if, y'all start coming out to others is your choice and usually on your schedule. Remember there are some folks who just don't need to know that facet of who you are. The clerk at the Indian take away, or the ticket seller at the cinema, for example. Some folks do need to know; your doctor(s), your family and friends (when you're ready to deal with them and their reactions); and anyone y'all want to pursue a romantic relationship with.

However; a'fore ya go telling the world you're gay, best ponder on it a mite and see if ya can figure out for yourself if it's true. Ya might just be questioning, or have a serious crush on the guy, might be bisexual. I don't know and I'm fair sure you don't either.

The fact that he has a long time girlfriend sure indicates hes straight and not likely to be interested in any romantic relationship with you. That don't rule out a deep serious friendship, but romance ain't likely to be in the cards for the both of ya.

The best I can tell ya is to work on yourself, figure out who and what you are. Then work to be comfortable in your own skin. Make haste slowly here young padawan.

Keep us posted, we may yet have some answers that'll work for ya. Even if it's just providing a place for ya to vent.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby nimby » Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:31 am

Yes, things can feel so confusing, eh? I agree with Lou here. Don't go tellin' everyone you're gay until you figure it out for yourself first. No one need to know right now. Then go about figurin' it out. Since you said you haven't had relations with either sex, I'm guessing you are young. Please take your time. Explore your choices on your own. If you're attracted to a guy, go out with him. Same thing with a girl. Test the waters ether way. Only by exploring will you learn your true feelings. But one thing... don't ever be afraid to be yourself. The rest will work out on it's own. Really.

Good luck and remember, lots of us here have went through what you are going through. Just ask us for help anytime you need. Good Luck.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby Guinness Fan » Sat Feb 05, 2011 12:40 am

^^ Ditto, Ditto ~ great advice.......
God Created Guinness To Ensure The Irish Will Never Rule the World‏
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Re: should i come out?

Postby olywaguy » Sat Feb 05, 2011 2:00 am

I do agree with Lou and Nimby in the fact that you need to first figure out for yourself whether you are gay, straight or bisexual.

If you feel attracted to a guy then go with that feeling. If you feel attracted to a girl, go with that as well. You might discover you like both and that's okay too. Gay and Straight aren't the only choices.

Now, it has been my experience that only because a guy has a girlfriend or wife doesn't mean he doesn't like to be with guys. I've met quite a few guys who have been in a long time relationship with someone. Now, they may refer to themselves as "straight" but they really are not. Denial is a very powerful tool.

There are a lot of young guys that are attracted to older men and older guys attracted to younger men. What's important is if you feel you are compatible with each other or not. Don't let a number get in the way of finding the right guy for you. However,if you are under 18 and he is over 18, you might get the older guy into trouble with the law. That wouldn't be nice.

Just take your time in discovering who you are first before telling anyone that you think you might be gay. Once you know for sure, tell whoever you want on your own time table. There is no hurry.

Like you, I am a Christian. Dad was a Southern Baptist minister...yes, they don't particularly like gay relationships but I am who I am. God made me and he doesn't make junk. I am very active at my church and no, they don't know that I am gay. Do you really think that no gay people have ever been member of a church? That's crazy. You can be a gay Christian though it may sound like an oxymoron. Gay Christians are a fact of life. Nothing can change that. Because of my religious beliefs, I didn't come out to myself until I was 38 years old. I am 47 years old now. Don't wait that long to find out who really are.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby Xpat » Sat Feb 05, 2011 7:18 am

Really, really guood advice from these noble sages!

You are obviously still young and at a very confusing stage in your life...we've ALL been there. All I can offer is: be true to yourself, give this thought and time and let your gut dictate whether or not you need to confess your feelings for this other fellow. Sometimes, it can be a disaster telling someone how you feel (been there) and other times it can only lead to a very strong, beautiful friendship (been there, too).

Believe it or not, time is the best teacher and things will become easier...never easy....but easier! Good luck to you and I do feel your pain and confusion!
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Re: should i come out?

Postby muse » Sat Feb 05, 2011 6:55 pm

thank you guys for the overwhelming support...

its putting things into more perspective for me...i know i have to come out to myself...but i think i have by recognising i am attracted to guys... isn't that what striaghtacting means to realise your gay but keep it hidden...because i could never tell the ones i love that im gay...because if my family know, my whole generation would know and word spreads!..they wouldn't see me in the same way again.

but i think i should test my waters with both sexes, as nimby suggested...but what if its too late...what if i loose all chances with this guy..because i've only got one more year with him at uni..and that is the only place i have any contact with him.

im too scared to go out with a girl because she might suspect me being gay...and i feel that i'm more attracted to men than women anyway...but i like the idea of being wit a girl because i can be in a more open relationship.

olywaguy. i had slightly lost all hope in this crush i have but thanks for the reasurance that men can still be attracted to guys even if they are in a serious relationship with a girl.... i am over 18, and he's the one older than me not the other way round ....and sorry for the confusion, but i'm also not a christian....i am actually muslim...and the gay term isn't even mentioned in our community let alone acted upon...

i dont want to wait any longer...i feel i want to talk to him on a deeper level...even if its just telling him that i am attracted to guys..but not necessarily tell him i like him...i want to know his reaction..and from that i would be able to tell if anything could happen between us or not.. could that work?? i just have this deep feeling that he is also attracted to guys but finds it hard to let out..being in a relationship and all. i may just be fantasising too much.

olywaguy...before you had come out, were you ever in a serious or non-serious relationship with a girl? what did you do? how can i tell if this guy could be gay?

thanks a lot for the support guys, you are the closet to gay friends i have.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby nimby » Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:33 pm

muse wrote:thank you guys for the overwhelming support...
but i think i should test my waters with both sexes, as nimby suggested...but what if its too late...what if i loose all chances with this guy..because i've only got one more year with him at uni..and that is the only place i have any contact with him.

Then test the waters with the guy first since it's the oppourtunity that presents itself first. And I know that in Islam being gay is a big no no, but believe it or not, there are many gay Muslims. I met quite a few. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby olywaguy » Sun Feb 06, 2011 9:08 pm

Well Muse, my experience is a little different than most. I became a Christian when I was 12 years old. As a result, I really and truly believed in no sex before marriage. I wanted to wait till my wedding day. I was also very shy when it came to girls. I could never say the words that I liked her or to even ask a girl for a date. So, I never went out with a girl at all. Looking back now, I should have known that I had more of an attraction to guys than to girls. I always felt more comfortable with guys than with girls and if I did manage to find a guy attractive, I would bury those feelings inside of me thinking I must be crazy or that isn't right.

I was a 40 year-old virgin. My very first date and experience with a guy happened when I was 40 years old. I missed out on all those years when I was thin and looked good. :P But, I do remember the first time I shared intimacy with a guy. He was 19 years old (or so he said) and I was nervous, but when we kissed and held each other, etc. somehow it felt right and normal to me. It didn't feel weird at all...felt good!! :D I missed out on so much. I can't believe it has been seven years now since that day and I still feel like I am catching up.

The term straightacting refers to masculine gay men. Gay men come from all walks of life. They are truck drivers, car mechanics, football players, baseball players, boxers, accountants, lawyers, teachers, etc. They look and behave like "normal" straight guys. Of course that makes it harder to spot them. So you have to look for more subtle signs....basically it is all in the eyes.

It is true, the eyes are the windows to the soul. When you catch someone's gaze, do they look away right away or do they continue looking at you. Do they check you out by moving their eyes up and down? Does the guy find an excuse to put his hand on you like a pat on the back or are they trying to feel your muscles, etc. Do they check you out when you are shirtless and smile when they like what they see.

Also, find some sort of excuse where you can have some body contact like have him show you some wrestling moves and let him beat you. :P :wink: Get all sweaty and ask him if you can use his shower and leave the door slightly ajar. :P Be a little flirty, tell him how great he looks. He obviously knows how to workout. Would you show me how to get great abs like yours, etc. Also, it helps if you can get him a little drunk. Guys will do things while drunk that they wouldn't do while they were sober. It gives the guy an out...hey, it was college and I was drunk.

I am pretty sure the guys on the board have their ways of trying to figure out if a guy is okay. I hope they contribute their own stories.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby muse » Wed Feb 09, 2011 6:13 pm

thanks for the replies..aww your story was very helpful and warming, and the flirty tips..quite funny, although i'm too shy to all those things.

ill wait for the right time and see what happens....whether i do tell him or not,i have to put that on hold..i havnt even seen him in like 2-3 weeks, thats how rare i see him, but he never seems to leave my stupid mind...maybe i should stop stalking him on facebook. :P

ill keep you guys posted in what my future decisions are..

thank you so much for your input..... peace be with you.
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Re: should i come out?

Postby matinee » Fri Feb 11, 2011 1:02 am

muse wrote:... isn't that what striaghtacting means to realise your gay but keep it hidden...because i could never tell the ones i love that im gay...because if my family know, my whole generation would know and word spreads!


Great advice from all above and ...

Straight acting does not mean that you are hiding your sexuality (in the closet). It simply means that we are gay/bi/whoever and do not fit the "gay stereotype" as not all gay men are flamboyant, and not all straight men are masculine. Being out or not does not come into play here either.

Remember, this is your life and you have to live it on your terms and schedule.

Don't guilt yourself with the idea of hurting loved ones with something you did not create. Let your actions and life show who you are. I come from a conservative Catholic family. Came out when I was ready. The world didn't end. The fact that I am gay is simply not an issue as it is just a small part of who I am. I didn't lose any friends or family over this. Yes, there are bad stories, but I believe they are in the minority.

Also, I did go through a period when many male friends seemed to be sending the right vibes. This is normal.
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