Coming out/gay sex

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Coming out/gay sex

Postby Ashpenaz » Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:18 pm

I've been in the process of coming out for several years. I've recently passed a midlife milestone and realized that, due to my initial problems coming to terms with being gay, I've been celibate for over 30 years. It's taken me that long to accept myself as gay. I'm now out to my friends and people in general who I have contact with--I'm not hiding anything. And I'm OK with being gay.

Here's what I'd like to ask about. Although I can accept the "being gay" part in the abstract, I'm a little less secure about liking gay sex. I have always told myself that actual gay sex would be humiliating and emasculating. However, I realize that's because I'm listening to how straights see it. I realized that what might seem emasculating to a straight guy would be a way for gays to express intimacy. I need to take my cue on what feels good sexually from gays and not from straights.

I want to be able to accept the fact that I like the idea of gay sex and that, far from being emasculating, it would be fun and intimate.

I've been lurking on this board for awhile and this seemed a good and safe place to ask this question. Others will follow.

Oh, I forgot the question--is gay sex fun for gay men? I know that sounds insanely stupid. But I'm in that stage of coming out.
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Re: Coming out/gay sex

Postby DeckApe » Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:04 am

I can tell you with absolute certainty that yes, gay sex is fun.

I assume that all sex is fun, but I'm a perfect Kinsey six and I really don't have any experience on the other side of the fence.

I've never found gay sex to be emasculating in the slightest. In fact I found myself walking with a strut after the first time I bottomed. I felt SERIOUSLY manly after that.
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Re: Coming out/gay sex

Postby nimby » Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:03 pm

Yes, all sex is wonderful, but gay sex is different from straight sex. In straight sex, the man usually falls into the dominant role and stays there, while in gay sex, both are very equal. It really is quite a different dynamic, but the mutual exchange extremely pleasureable. As someone on here once taught me oh so long ago, nothing beats, "a brother's touch (props D)."
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
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Re: Coming out/gay sex

Postby Ashpenaz » Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:32 pm

I realize that was sort of an awkward question, and I appreciate the answers. My coming out process has gone something like this:

OK, I'm gay--but I'm really just a pre-heterosexual, and it will all change.

It's OK for me to be gay since I will go into reparative therapy to make myself heterosexual. (Which I did, off and on, for about 20 years. My last counselor was from NARTH.)

That didn't work, so it's OK for me to be gay as long as I believe being gay is a disgusting abomination.

It's OK to be gay as long as I don't tell anyone and I never, ever act on it.

It's OK to be gay and accept my feelings as long as I'm celibate. And I can tell some people as long as I don't act on my feelings and make them feel bad.

It's OK to be gay as long as I promise I will only have icky, disgusting sex inside a lifelong, monogamous relationship where we both promise to hate ourselves for what we do to each other.

All right, maybe gay sex could be fun, but only if I promise to never, ever do anything until my wedding night.

And here's where I'm at now:

Gay sex sounds great, and I am going to have sex with the first guy I find attractive who says yes and is of age.

That list took about 30 years to go through. Obviously, there was a lot of religion involved. I still believe in God, but I just don't think He cares that much about people's sex lives. And, frankly, even if He does, I don't care. I'm tired of pretending to be some kind of saint.

One other part of my coming out process: I have a couple of very supportive straight friends. But it drives me crazy that they were allowed to have a sexual adolescence where they could sow their wild oats without feeling like an abomination or pestilence on the earth. I am very angry that I was so ashamed and self-hating that I didn't get to explore sex at an age when it would have been natural. One of my friends said to me the other day, when I told him I was going to start exploring sex, "Congratulations! You've just turned 16!" And that's true. But he got to be 16 when he was 16. When I was 16, I was trying to convince people that I wasn't going all the way with the girl I was dating because we were "saving ourselves."

So, I like this blog and I signed up to vent a little. More venting to come. Thanks! :)
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Re: Coming out/gay sex

Postby DeckApe » Wed Nov 17, 2010 1:19 am

That's quite a journey. I'm glad things are coming around for you.
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