Coming Out Stories

Was it tough or was it easy, or are you still locked in? Tell the world anonymously about your gayness should you choose.

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Coming Out Stories

Postby furface » Wed Dec 24, 2008 4:26 pm

This thread was lost in the recent 'incident'. So, after finding my story in an old text file, I've decided to see if it can be revived.
I can't remember, or mismember, if I ever posted my story before. I'll claim a senior moment and throw it out for all y'alls consideration, and maybe edification. (For the young'ns here'bouts I be 61- the ole dawg here far as I know. :D ) The following was excerpted from a piece I wrote for someone who needed a potential on-line mentor for a straight/gay high school group he was running.

=== Like the narrator from David Copperfield, I don’t know if I shall be the hero of my own story. Nor am I exactly sure what to tell you about my life up to this point. I think a quick overview is probably best; broad strokes with little detail for now.

I am the first born of six in an Irish Catholic family. My Dad was born and raised in Washington, DC; and Mom came from Philadelphia, but spent most of her life in Washington also. He a career SAR pilot for the U.S. Coast Guard. She was a stay at home mom. Yes, children it did actually happen back in the dark ages.

The family was transferred every 22 months while I was growing up. That explains all the different residences and schools (16 at last count). That may also explain while the potential trauma of being gay wasn’t overpowering for me. I was always the new kid. More about that later.

I always knew I was different from most other kids, but it didn’t come into focus how different until the onset of puberty and the obligatory “birds and bees” lecture series. Very awkward in my household as my mother was the primary lecturer. My Dad made only the occasional guest appearance when his flight schedule and duties permitted. It was toward the end of the lecture series that I realized, even in the throes of that hormonal maelstrom, what my Mom was explaining to me didn’t agree with how I felt and reacted.

Females, girls, women didn’t trigger any reaction. They still don’t. Males, boys, men on the other hand; “wood” doesn’t begin to describe the resulting reaction. Research at the library, thanks for Encyclopaedia Britannica, led me to realize I was homosexual. Gay wasn’t in the popular lexicon then, 1959/60.

My Mom and I had a very trusting relationship. I could ask anything and get an answer. So, being trusting and not a little naive, I told he how I felt. Bad decision! This ole boy has been knowed to be bright as a box of rock on occasion. To this day, some 45+ years later, the image of her face marked with shock, pain, and confusion, is deeply etched in my memory. She began to tear up, leaned over, kissed me on the forehead, and went quickly to her bedroom.

I ran out of the house, climbed as high as I could in a tree, and cried. Great wracking sobs. I had no real idea what I had just done, but her reaction tore at me. The next week to 10 days was cool and tense to say the least. Then we had another awkward talk.

She told me she didn’t understand, but she’d try. She didn’t approve and likely wouldn’t change her mind on that. She gave me a pamphlet on homosexuality. The pages were laced with the claptrap of the day. I never did find out how and where she got that thing. Then the coup de main, she told me she loved me and that would never change. The mutual water works opened, big time. You need to understand that then homosexuality was universally, in the U.S. at least, illegal and officially listed as a mental illness. Why I wasn’t dragged off to the doctor and/or the parish priest to be “cured” and counseled, I don’t know.

We never discussed it directly again. While there were the oblique questions over the years. “Are you happy?”, “Are you seeing anyone?”, and the like; there were never any about finding a girlfriend, marriage, grandchildren, etc. Mom never did come to understand, but then I don’t really understand. I just know. She did come to accept; and till the day she died her love, pride, and support never wavered. How I miss that tiny, tough, sweet old bat. (“Old bat” was a special pet name I used with/for her. She actually loved it.)

I never had any discussion about my sexuality with my Dad. He knew, there were never any secrets between my mother and him. He was conservative, military, and very old school; and you just didn’t talk about that sort of thing. I knew he felt the same emotions my Mom had, but he couldn’t say anything about it. I knew he loved and supported me. It wasn’t until a year after Mom died that he could bring himself to actually tell me he loved me, supported me, and was so proud of the man I had become. Other than my Mom’s funeral that was the only time I’d seen him cry.

He’s gone now just over seven years and I miss him. Hell, I miss ‘em both. My brothers and sisters have never made a thing of my “gaiety”. They grew up with it and it was just part of who I was, and am. I’m sure I was an occasional embarrassment for them. But that’s part of the job description for a big brother.

Some of my nieces and nephews know I’m gay. The arrangement I have with their parents is straightforward. I won’t bring it up, but if they do ask, they’ll get the truth, age appropriate of course. It works for them, and for me. And now there are great nieces and nephews to deal with. They are a right fecund group.

I’ve never been “in the closet”. I’ve hugged the wall and pressed into a niche a time or three, but never the closet. I live my life out. The fact that I have had the acceptance, love, and support of my family, and later my friends, has allowed me not to feel the need to hide who I am. The fact that I don’t have any of the stereotypical gay traits hasn’t made me live that double life many gays must endure. No sashay, no talking with my hands like an Italian with two broken wrists, no lisp or speech pattern like Christopher Lowell or Paul Lynde, no drama. I have the fashion sense of a cabbage. I’m not tidy. I dance with the grace of a drunken armadillo. This is not say I haven’t been circumspect.

I’ve lived through some tumultuous decades. Times where being gay was guaranteed to get you beaten, arrested, and maybe killed. But the question rarely came up and when it did I answered truthfully. Though I didn’t volunteer any information and certainly no details. Still don’t. It’s no one’s business but mine. Because of the actions of those who came before me, in the family, my family and friends’ support. The horror stories I heard from other gays. The pain I’ve seen inflicted on people, especially young people, for something they had no choice in and no control over. The tragedies like teen suicide. Because of all those things and more I’ve taken on a policy of paying forward where I can. I feel it would be dishonest of me, and dishonor the lives and memories of those who have helped me over the years, not to extend my hand and a half to help folks get comfortable in their own skin. To be the happy healthy folks they deserve to be. Real people, fully growed. I mentor; not in the formal sense like Big Brothers/Big Sisters or through an organization. Just one on one. Someone needs a kind word. An ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to, a sounding board, or a “Dutch” uncle. I see it and take the chance to make myself available. It costs me nothing other than some time and repays a thousand fold. ===

Questions answered, comments always welcome, flames gleefully ignored. Y'all be good to yourselfs, now. Ya hear! :D


[Note: I've updated my age and some dates to the current calendar.]

Feel free to add your own story, if'n ya a mind too.
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Postby dracuscalico » Fri Dec 26, 2008 9:37 pm

That was really good. You need your own blog or website to reach out to folks, it was THAT good. :)
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Postby darkwolf » Tue Jan 13, 2009 3:21 pm

Well, to be completely honest, I'm not totally out. I am trying to rectify that and don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it. Anyway I don't know exactly when I knew I was gay. In high school is the first real memory of being attracted to another guy. I was worried about it though cause the only gay men you see on tv were the flamboyant obvious ones, or at least the one I could see, and the only gay boy in school that I knew of was the stereotypical kind. ON the flag core, very effeminate and would wear bra's. This made me not want to let anyone know, Later on about the time I graduated and started to actually see things for what they were realized that not all gay men were like that. I believe the first time I came out was to my coworkers at wawa in about 2003. Not a good job but like alot of the times, except any time in school, I made friends with pretty much anyone I met. So I was pretty close with them, the store was close to being closed down and there were playing kind of a game trying to figure out if I was gay or not. They would ask and I would just shrug it off and say what do you think, There were about 4 or 5 gay employees there so it wasn't a big deal. Finally I told them and most of them couldn't believe it. They figured I was just joking around with them. About a year later I believe I was riding with my brother to the grocery store to pick up food for his birthday, we sat in the parking lot for a minute and I told him. I was about to hyperventilate from the stress of it. He looked at me and pretty much said, OK. He didn't care and he let me know that. He told me that he loved me and that it didn't matter, I then told his wife after we got back and she reacted the same way. Since then I have told all my friends and to this day everyone pretty much knows, if they ask I'll tell them. Here at school I'm the gay cowboy. I have had it very lucky with having to types of abuse or any negative comments or anything. The only problems I have had or regrets rather would be not telling my father. He asked me after finding "questionable" files in the history folder of my comp, but I came up with some story bout a email, but he told me that he didn't care if I was or not that he loved me for who I am. He passed away in 2005 on February 2nd. It was a great pain for us to lose him but a release for him from the pain. My current issue is trying to tell my mother and sister. I know my sister won't care, and I'm sure my mom will accept me. Her sister is gay and I am pretty sure she already knows but It's just bringing myself to tell her I can't seem to do. I have tried many times but i start to freak out worse than when I told my brother. Some say that it's none of their or anyone's business. That's fine for them, but the way I see it I am open about who I am and that means people will know and with how close my family is and what my mother has done for us, I feel she deserves to know, I even feel I has affected my life in not telling her, that If she doesn't know than I don't deserve to have relationship. A big part is that I still live with her. But anyway, that's my story. Whether it will help others or not, I don't know. But if it does. I will be thankful. And maybe soon I will finally let the rest of my family into my life.
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Postby dracuscalico » Tue Jan 13, 2009 8:35 pm

darkwolf wrote:Well, to be completely honest, I'm not totally out. I am trying to rectify that and don't know why I'm having so much trouble with it. Anyway I don't know exactly when I knew I was gay. In high school is the first real memory of being attracted to another guy. I was worried about it though cause the only gay men you see on tv were the flamboyant obvious ones, or at least the one I could see, and the only gay boy in school that I knew of was the stereotypical kind. ON the flag core, very effeminate and would wear bra's. This made me not want to let anyone know, Later on about the time I graduated and started to actually see things for what they were realized that not all gay men were like that. I believe the first time I came out was to my coworkers at wawa in about 2003. Not a good job but like alot of the times, except any time in school, I made friends with pretty much anyone I met. So I was pretty close with them, the store was close to being closed down and there were playing kind of a game trying to figure out if I was gay or not. They would ask and I would just shrug it off and say what do you think, There were about 4 or 5 gay employees there so it wasn't a big deal. Finally I told them and most of them couldn't believe it. They figured I was just joking around with them. About a year later I believe I was riding with my brother to the grocery store to pick up food for his birthday, we sat in the parking lot for a minute and I told him. I was about to hyperventilate from the stress of it. He looked at me and pretty much said, OK. He didn't care and he let me know that. He told me that he loved me and that it didn't matter, I then told his wife after we got back and she reacted the same way. Since then I have told all my friends and to this day everyone pretty much knows, if they ask I'll tell them. Here at school I'm the gay cowboy. I have had it very lucky with having to types of abuse or any negative comments or anything. The only problems I have had or regrets rather would be not telling my father. He asked me after finding "questionable" files in the history folder of my comp, but I came up with some story bout a email, but he told me that he didn't care if I was or not that he loved me for who I am. He passed away in 2005 on February 2nd. It was a great pain for us to lose him but a release for him from the pain. My current issue is trying to tell my mother and sister. I know my sister won't care, and I'm sure my mom will accept me. Her sister is gay and I am pretty sure she already knows but It's just bringing myself to tell her I can't seem to do. I have tried many times but i start to freak out worse than when I told my brother. Some say that it's none of their or anyone's business. That's fine for them, but the way I see it I am open about who I am and that means people will know and with how close my family is and what my mother has done for us, I feel she deserves to know, I even feel I has affected my life in not telling her, that If she doesn't know than I don't deserve to have relationship. A big part is that I still live with her. But anyway, that's my story. Whether it will help others or not, I don't know. But if it does. I will be thankful. And maybe soon I will finally let the rest of my family into my life.


If you didn't live with her, I would have said you have no obligation to tell her. But BECAUSE you live with her and you are not dating any girls, she has probably asked her gay sister if she thinks you might not be straight, and since you told your brother and his wife, one of them may have confided to her what you told them anyway.

Chances are, she knows and is not pressing the issue because she doesn't want to stress you out. If there is a chance that she really doesn't know and might react negatively, make sure you're prepared to be able to move out, just in case. Moving out would be a good thing either way as people generally would rather not date a guy who lives with his parents as much as they would rather not date someone with kids...because they end up dating a "package deal" instead of an independent person, and any of the other members of that package, can throw a monkey wrench into the deal anytime they get ready.

As far as deserving to have a relationship, with regards to telling people about your sexuality, my attitude is, there is nothing to tell, if there is NOTHING to show for it. Kinda like telling people you are a writer when you haven't any kind of manuscript to show for it yet. First thing people are going to ask is "what have you written ?" Same thing is going to happen when you tell someone you are gay. They are going to ask if you have a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend or someone you are dating "legitimizes" what you are telling them, the same way having a manuscript legitimizes your telling someone you are a writer.

It's easier to explain a PERSON that is special to you, that you have chosen(great thing), than it is to explain a LIFESTYLE you are confessing to with shame(not so great thing), especially when you've got no one in your life to offset the stereotype of gay guys only wanting lots of perverted sex, in a lot of perverted ways, with lots of perverted people.

You deserve to have a relationship anytime you want one. The relationship will make it easier to weather any potential difficulties because you've got someone who is definitely there for you. Usually those closest to you want you to be happy, and happiness is contagious.
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Postby butch » Tue Feb 10, 2009 2:23 am

I came out in 1967.

I suppose my first sex act was giving one of my sailors some weenie service. He wasn't too thrilled. We were friends and the boy-boy thing was rather "sudden".

Well, the navy took me up on my offer to volunteer for submarines and next thing I'm no longer navigating a repair ship around the Atlantic at age 22 and sent to England for training.

I spent weekends away from submarine school in London.

I noticed a magazine store by Leicester Square that sold Swedish male nude magazines... that was state of the art in those days.

I figured all I had to do was hang out and see if a guy bought one. Didn't happen, store closed. I lingered on as the city lights came on.

Still there, sometime later, an angel with blond hair, button down short sleeve shirt, and white chinos asked what time was the last "tube".

Now you only had to be in London for 5 minutes to know that, so I figured something was up.

He was from California, taking a vacation before being shipped off to Viet Nam. He had been drafted. We had no way of knowing we were both virgins and not too up on all of the protocol for that sort of thing.

Eventually, after wasting a lot of time, he said he had a room that may, or may not have someone else there... they do that there. I had a brand new MGB so I offered to drive us there.

Turned out the room was just he and I. A lot of fumbling conversation later he suggested he'd like to see me in the new bathing suit he had just bought himself. Didn't take much after that and we ended up crawling all over each other.

Never saw him again.

Chris Appel, if you're out there, it's the submarine officer in training you slept with in London in the spring of '67.

Dat's my tale.

visit me at http://ButchBoard.com

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Postby matinee » Tue Feb 10, 2009 11:32 pm

Now, that IS a story worth publishing. BTW, I was born in 1967 :)
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Postby batty » Sat Apr 11, 2009 1:26 pm

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted, so I thought I'd post something "serious"

I came out at work this winter. Well it might be no biggie for many, but I was very apprehensive due to the fact that I work in law enforcement and it is very much ingrained in the blue-collar admiration for T&A :) . My biggest fear I guess was being "type-cast" if I came out too soon to my teammates (I belong to a small team who work together all the time). And in law enforcement, when you start you don't have any respect... you gotta earn every bit of it.

At first it was easy to deflect attention from those "check out that hot chick" remarks with a smile and raising of the eyebrows. And any references to my "ex" always remained limited to the gender-neutral "ex". I don't know how to describe it, but there came a point where I was 1) tired of those "games" and 2) feeling like I had reached the point of no return, as colleagues and buddies to keep them in the dark would be disingenuous and downright lying (because I know I am gay, I'm not in that "confused" stage). Anyways one night after, a post-night out meal at Denny's the topic of my ex came back and so a buddy rephrases something as "so she..." and so that's when I let him know it was a he. We were all a bit loud and we had had a few drinks so it was not like a formal announcement. But that was all it took. The next day my buddy kinda approached the subject very lightly (to confirm I guess)... but that was the only conversation. And ever since it is known (in my team only) that I'm gay. I know it's a pretty low key coming out, but it's very much in tune with who I am. I'm not the type that would jump out of a cake to do it.

About a week later I got promoted to another unit temporarily, so I kinda drifted away from my team/colleagues but I run into them everyday, and I should be joining them again in May. But I may have some re-education to do, my supervisor was heard saying that me being gay is "just a phase" (and there are pictures of me getting a [clothed] lapdance form a female colleague and her and I passed out on a bed, I guess what happened on a team trip to Vegas did NOT "stay in Vegas"). I've had a couple colleagues ask me if I found them attractive :o (why would they ask!) . They're officially straight but I have my doubts, our workplace has such a huge closet! So anyways that is my first workplace coming out. And I now officially bring the percentage of gay officers to 1.5% of the office (~4% if you include the lesbians). To me it has been positive overall, but then again I know that I am very fortunate to work in a very young workplace where almost everyone is between their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. And the biggest lesson I learned is not to sell people short, and just because people vote Conservative (the Canadian GOP) doesn't mean they're homophobes . :wink:
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Postby furface » Sat Apr 11, 2009 2:38 pm

Congratulations, Seb! You know who you are and are comfortable with that. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Revealing that nugget of information is generally on your schedule and your terms.

Not everyone needs to know up front, just continue to be you and things will bend in your favor. It appears you've become a member of a team, respected by your peers/superiors (for the most part :) ) as a skilled professional officer who happens to be gay.

Y'all be good to yourself, now. Ya hear!
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Postby madsglen » Sat Apr 11, 2009 3:20 pm

I'm so glad for you, Seb. Coming out at work can be tough no matter how comfortable you may be with yourself and your life. Working up to some 'big announcement' probably would have been more challenging for your team and for you. Sometimes the quick, unplanned, 'rip off the Band-Aid' situation just takes care of it!!

And I've found the 'ex' to be a great leveler and common denominator. Everyone's got one! Our experiences, whether the ex is a man or a woman, are pretty similar most of the time.

Know that ultimately it will be much less stressful for you with your team (or with new ones) not to have to feel like your hiding anything, couching your stories or responses, etc. In a work environment such as yours where it's so important to build strong bonds and trust this will likely be a positive all around. Will there always be people who are uncomfortable or judgemental (their problem, ultimately)? Well, yes. But I'm glad you're OK with how it's worked out and are looking forward.

Having said all that... if you ever do decide to jump out of a cake for some other reason well, let me know. I'd be happy to take a drive from Seattle to Vancouver to see that!! :D :wink: :twisted:
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Postby CollegePepper » Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:04 am

batty wrote:Wow, it's been a long time since I posted, so I thought I'd post something "serious"

I came out at work this winter. Well it might be no biggie for many, but I was very apprehensive due to the fact that I work in law enforcement and it is very much ingrained in the blue-collar admiration for T&A :) . My biggest fear I guess was being "type-cast" if I came out too soon to my teammates (I belong to a small team who work together all the time). And in law enforcement, when you start you don't have any respect... you gotta earn every bit of it.

At first it was easy to deflect attention from those "check out that hot chick" remarks with a smile and raising of the eyebrows. And any references to my "ex" always remained limited to the gender-neutral "ex". I don't know how to describe it, but there came a point where I was 1) tired of those "games" and 2) feeling like I had reached the point of no return, as colleagues and buddies to keep them in the dark would be disingenuous and downright lying (because I know I am gay, I'm not in that "confused" stage). Anyways one night after, a post-night out meal at Denny's the topic of my ex came back and so a buddy rephrases something as "so she..." and so that's when I let him know it was a he. We were all a bit loud and we had had a few drinks so it was not like a formal announcement. But that was all it took. The next day my buddy kinda approached the subject very lightly (to confirm I guess)... but that was the only conversation. And ever since it is known (in my team only) that I'm gay. I know it's a pretty low key coming out, but it's very much in tune with who I am. I'm not the type that would jump out of a cake to do it.

About a week later I got promoted to another unit temporarily, so I kinda drifted away from my team/colleagues but I run into them everyday, and I should be joining them again in May. But I may have some re-education to do, my supervisor was heard saying that me being gay is "just a phase" (and there are pictures of me getting a [clothed] lapdance form a female colleague and her and I passed out on a bed, I guess what happened on a team trip to Vegas did NOT "stay in Vegas"). I've had a couple colleagues ask me if I found them attractive :o (why would they ask!) . They're officially straight but I have my doubts, our workplace has such a huge closet! So anyways that is my first workplace coming out. And I now officially bring the percentage of gay officers to 1.5% of the office (~4% if you include the lesbians). To me it has been positive overall, but then again I know that I am very fortunate to work in a very young workplace where almost everyone is between their mid-twenties to mid-thirties. And the biggest lesson I learned is not to sell people short, and just because people vote Conservative (the Canadian GOP) doesn't mean they're homophobes . :wink:


Congratulations on your coming out! And double congrats for it not being a huge ordeal or result in stressful repercussions! That is great news :)
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Postby michaelk69 » Sun Apr 12, 2009 2:31 pm

That's awesome Seb - great story and very brave of you!
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Postby batty » Sun Apr 12, 2009 10:21 pm

Thanks Lou, madsglen, CP and michael :D

It was another one to add to the "positive coming out", list (in fact it's the one that seems to outnumber them all).

I was having a discussion one day with my friend about coming out to my family and the whole "wait t'ill you're in a stable relationship first". Anyway he told me that he believes that silence is one of society's greatest plague. He says that nothing good ever evolves out of silence, and that ultimately always makes a situation worse. I think he's got a good point, I may not agree fully, but at least that's food for thought
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Postby foxeyes2 » Mon Apr 13, 2009 6:37 am

Congrats Seb. I too had a pretty low key coming out here at work. Well I think most of them know and if not they should. I only told a couple of people directly and one of those was due to a conversation we were having about religion and my no longer being a christian.


I have to agree that silence is our enemy. Now obviously everyone can't be out in all circumstances but I think that it is a lot safer than it used to be. Studies have shown that when straight folks know 2 or more gay people the more likely they are to support gay equality.
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Postby matinee » Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:11 am

I am now staying in Poland (!!!!) the catholic mecca and all of my family and friends here know. I honestly have not had any negative comments. They are all concerned if I am happy or not and are looking for for a husband (bless their hearts). I am so pleasantly surprised! How lucky is that? I really think that one should come out to their family first. You will find supporters in the most unlikely of places.
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Postby rumtumtum » Tue May 05, 2009 7:52 am

I was recently outed and I thought I could handle it but in the last 6 months I've felt myself retreat into a shell that I'm finding a bit hard to break out of.
I feel like for a short time it was a step up but since then I've taken two steps down. It might have something to do with me seeing this guy from class who then wouldn't acknowledge it, turned his back on me and ignored me. He was pretty much the only person that I trusted and could talk to after the outing...
But what the heck on with the real story.

I'm finding it a bit hard to find a way to come out to my family.
I've never talked to my parents about anything besides what's for dinner and how school is going. So personal or serious issues have never been discussed.
How do you suddenly strike up a conversation about such matters to old conservative people that you hardly know?
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Postby DeckApe » Tue May 05, 2009 10:13 am

I don't know that you're obligated to tell them, actually. Besides, one step at at time. It sounds like you're not happy where you're at, so I would suggest you work on being happy inside your own skin for your sake first, and in time the way to tell your folks will become clear to you.
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Postby furface » Wed May 06, 2009 11:18 am

It's all in the official Homosexual Manual: Part 684, Section 92, Paragraph II.106.A.(q) on page 2,627. That's the 2008 revised edition in the mauve leatherette binding. including the current iteration of the Gay Agenda as Appendix 14. :lol: :lol:

Seriously, Steve; there's only one person ya have to come out to and that's you. Who ya share that nugget of information with, if anyone, is generally at your choice on your schedule. That said; there are some folks ya may wish to know and some who never have a need to know.

Also know it ain't a event. It's really a life long project/process punctuated by events. Your job is to be the best man ya can be. Know and accept yourself, and be comfortable in your own skin. That's hard work regardless of your orientation. Those punctuating events will be stressful at first, down right scary; but over time it'll get easier. It's never really easy 'cause it always involves the unknown, but trust me it gets easier.

As to how and when to come out to your 'rents.... Only you can make that decision. I would say wait until you can reasonably articulate your feelings and control your emotions. And, do it at a time when you are financially independent. Someone has to be the adult in that situation.

I hope this helps ya some. You can always contact me and the rest of the crew here either in 'public' on the board or privately. Most of us have valid e-mail addys in our profiles.

Good luck. Be well. And... y'all be good to yourself, now. Ya hear!
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Postby nimby » Wed May 06, 2009 8:45 pm

furface wrote:Seriously, Steve; there's only one person ya have to come out to and that's you. Who ya share that nugget of information with, if anyone, is generally at your choice on your schedule. That said; there are some folks ya may wish to know and some who never have a need to know.



What about my wife? :shock:

See, that's about where I am. Now I'm not gay, I'm bi. And she is bi curious too. We've discussed it openly and calmly. And we're ok. She's very homo-friendly. She's told me she wants to get together with an old female friend of mine. And I've told her that I have guys in my past. She says that she'd love to watch me with another guy, and I have her blessing (protected of course). What she doesn't know (though I think she suspects) of a current "friend". She's teased me about him, and other possible partners, but do't kow if she knows definitely.

See, we have to tread very carefully. We've been together for 22 yrs, and have a young family. Soo much to consider. We were very young when we got together, and kind of missed out on a lot of experiences that the rest of you may have had. So we're experimenting with our urges now. We just gotta be very careful.
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Postby matinee » Thu May 07, 2009 6:02 pm

nimby wrote:
furface wrote:Seriously, Steve; there's only one person ya have to come out to and that's you. Who ya share that nugget of information with, if anyone, is generally at your choice on your schedule. That said; there are some folks ya may wish to know and some who never have a need to know.



What about my wife? :shock:

See, that's about where I am. Now I'm not gay, I'm bi. And she is bi curious too. We've discussed it openly and calmly. And we're ok. She's very homo-friendly. She's told me she wants to get together with an old female friend of mine. And I've told her that I have guys in my past. She says that she'd love to watch me with another guy, and I have her blessing (protected of course). What she doesn't know (though I think she suspects) of a current "friend". She's teased me about him, and other possible partners, but do't kow if she knows definitely.

See, we have to tread very carefully. We've been together for 22 yrs, and have a young family. Soo much to consider. We were very young when we got together, and kind of missed out on a lot of experiences that the rest of you may have had. So we're experimenting with our urges now. We just gotta be very careful.


I will just say that when you have kids they come first. Just please make sure that what you do will not kill your relationship. I have seen a few bi couples fall apart once fantasies come to reality. Of course, this is just my opinion.
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Postby nimby » Thu May 07, 2009 10:14 pm

Your opinion is very valueable. Thanks for that. And you are right.

And that's why I tread very carefully. My family means the world to me and I would never do anything to harm them. But I can't help this. Some times I feel like I'm loosing my sanity without my male companionship.

It's almost like a game. Does she know? doesn't she? Will she let me? won't she? I really don't know. It's like my wife is almost daring me to do it, teasing me. All I know is the cravings come and go. I can go for years and be fine, then it hits me and I need a fix. And when I do, I'm good again, even mentally, for months afterwards.

So all I can do is wait and see what happens next. Maybe this is my mid life crisis? Who knows. LOL!!!
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Postby nimby » Sat May 30, 2009 4:53 pm

Well I did it. After months of not being able to sleep, and being contimually stressed out, I finally came out fully to my wife.

Funny how it didn't go the way I thought it would.

I think I just ruined the last 22 years of my life.
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Postby jkav » Sat May 30, 2009 5:17 pm

Give yourself some credit; it's not an easy thing to do.

I hope that good things come from it in short order. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
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Postby michaelk69 » Mon Jun 01, 2009 4:21 am

nimby wrote:I think I just ruined the last 22 years of my life.


Oh, nimby :-(

The first thing is, seriously, don't panic. When i came out to my mom, I was sure she "knew", and so her hostile, negative reactions surprised, saddened and disappointed me in equal measure.

Basically - she did not like what she was hearing, and she, well, didn't want to hear it.

Your wife may well be feeling the same way, but give her time. Give her a chance to think and reflect and maybe eventually ask some questions. But I know that you love her and it sounds like she loves you, and so with a little bit of time, she might be OK with all this, really.

What she needs right now is time and patience, and to know that you are exactly the same person that she has known all of these years.

Trust me, if my mom was able to get over it, anyone can :-)

Hang in there, things will get better, I promise!!
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Postby foxeyes2 » Mon Jun 01, 2009 3:16 pm

Michael is right, give her some time. You have had lots of time to figure things out and it hasn't been an easy road has it? Try to put yourself in her place and realize that the end result of your conversation probably won't happen instantly or not even over night. She has to think it all through and that will be a process just like it was for you and for me and for just about everyone else on here. Just continue loving her and the kids and yourself and trust that in the end everything will work out for the best for all involved. It may be painful at times though. Good luck and keep us updated please.
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Postby nimby » Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:21 pm

Hello all. Thanks for your words of support. We really appreciate it. I have somebody here who wants to say hi...

Message from Mrs. Nimby:

Hi there. It is still sinking in but it is not that socking anymore then when it was in the beginning. I have a question for the ones that are married. Does it change your relationship at all? I thought that it was my fault, but i know that it's not. I do love him very much and I am not going anywhere. He is stuck with me for the rest of his life. Please keep up the good work with your words of support.
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