Coming Out Stories

Was it tough or was it easy, or are you still locked in? Tell the world anonymously about your gayness should you choose.

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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Wed Feb 17, 2010 6:25 pm

Dude, that's great!! Just go at your own pace. I told one of my good female female friends, and I think I lost her. Suddenly I became the butt of all her gay jokes. And the thing is she was supposed to be one of my most progressive friends with no issues with gays at all. It's cool, though. You do learn who your friends are.

But good luck to you. Keep at it!
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby westguy3 » Thu Jul 08, 2010 8:18 am

Forced Out

My coming out was a pretty harrowing experience. I am putting my story out there to possibly help anyone who is completely alone and has nobody to support them when you come out. Just having ONE friend who can be there for you is a huge help in the coming out process.

When I was 21, I was totally closeted, but I started going to gay bars to meet guys. I was new to the whole scene, had only a few minor experiences sexually and was pretty naive about the ways of the world. This was in 1980. I met a guy at the bar and we started seeing each other exclusively. He was attractive and a bit older than me. After a few weeks, I began to notice that he drank every night and some nights very heavily. He was an alcoholic. Well, I started backing away from the relationship and at one point sat him down and said that I wanted to break up, I couldn't handle his drinking. My reasoning was that he became a completely different person when drinking; aggressive, violent, prone to arguing, etc. Well, it didn't go over well and he became very violent, so I backed down and kept seeing him for a month or two longer. When I finally could not take it any longer, I totally broke up with him. Then he began a long-term campaign of stalking me.

Now, mind you, I was not out to ANYONE in my family or my circle of friends at this time. I had one friend who knew but he lived elsewhere. So, all that happens from this point out was handled on my own with zero support.

The man in question began to stalk me daily. Examples: He'd call houses where I was at a party or gathering and let me know that he was in my apartment. He broke in several times by kicking in the sliding glass doors and would leave bizzare notes. He would drive around my office at work, almost daily, and sometimes come in and demand to see me. He would call me at work and threaten suicide. (Once I actually called 911 and had an ambulance go to his house out of spite!) He followed me in his car wherever I went. (To this day, I still get a little panicked when I see a green Plymouth Valiant.) At one point, he actually held me hostage in the middle of the night. He had shown up while I was passed out from a night of partying, tied me up and then held me that way for an entire day, right before Thanksgiving. He finally let me go when the booze and cigarettes ran out. I know it sounds like TV drama, but it's very true and I lived it. Try going to Thanksgiving dinner after being held against your will and acting like nothing bad happened in the last 24 hours. Not fun.

It all culminated and came to a head when I went out of town to take a break from my pathetic life one weekend. While I was visiting a friend at college, he had broken in and completely trashed my place. He broke everything breakable, scattered food everywhere, wrote things on the walls, took my art porfolio and threw it in a dumpster, broke my guitar into pieces. Just ruined everything you could ruin. The place looked like a tornado hit it. It had to have been pretty loud, but seemingly nobody did anything or called the police.

When I got home, I sort of went into shock. The door was standing open and my place looked like hell. I knew that I couldn't go on keeping things a secret, not after that. I needed help dealing with this psycho. I reluctantly left and drove to my (extremely religious) parents home and tearfully explained what was going on and why it was happening. This horrible outcome and my personal devastation was my parents introduction to my being gay. It couldn't have been worse. The aftermath of this guy's stalking me was I was evicted from my apartment and fired from my job in the same week. I had to move back home. My father called the police and we all went back to my place that next day and they did some police work, found fingerprints and handwriting samples (from psycho notes he'd left) and then the police went to his place to confront him with the evidence and for questioning. He admitted to everything and was prosecuted. He served a week in jail, had to pay me restitution and had a court order to stay away from me for a year. Of course, he was broke and had to move to his parents home and they ended up paying the court. I got a check every month, but it did little to help my mental state.

Naturally, once my family found out, all my friends found out as well. I had to explain what the hell just happened in my life. It was a bumpy year for me. I lost several "friends" and kept some good ones. Against my better judgment and at my father's behest, I entered into church-sponsored therapy to "pray away the gay" (which is, as many know, impossible.) I tried freelancing to get back on my feet and worked at home, but finally got a job and moved back out 10 months later.

Eventually, my family came around as the years went by and actually met some of the guys I had long-term relationships with, including my current 15-year partner. While they never accepted me for who I am, they at least "tolerated" that part of me. It's more than I ever thought I'd get from them. My brother keeps silent and is friendly. My sister is a hypocrite and to my face is nice, but behind my back tells others she "hates that he's gay". I had told people I thought were good friends and had reactions all over the map. One guy actually made me stop the car in traffic and let him out, miles from his home! I tried to keep it to myself at work, but one trusted female co-worker eventually told everyone and I was ostracized from that point on, even though I had previously been invited to lunch gatherings and extra-curricular gatherings in the past. You just never know how people will react and I felt like I made a mistake. However, this was the 80s and these were very young people. They had little knowledge about anything gay in those days.

Being gay and coming out is a total litmus test. And doing it with the kind of back-story that I have pushes that envelope even further. It's a hard enough situation without added drama and psychopaths to deal with. I want others to know that even if you can trust ONE person and tell you situation to, it can help. I felt I had nobody to turn to back then and it made the situation feel even more horrible and desperate. Try and tell SOMEONE about yourself so you don't feel trapped by being gay. It's a biological, same sex attraction, not a jail cell.

And the guy that did all that damage? He was found about 2 years later, in the trunk of his own car, dead from being strangled. There was a big story about it in the paper at that time. I guess there was someone else he tried that drama with and it didn't work out very well for him. Karma has a way of working out.

My coming out in that way and going through what I did so long ago makes me a much stronger person but also a much more guarded, careful person. And that's not a bad thing. To this day I don't tell my clients unless they ask. But I'm out to my friends and family and anyone new that looks like they may become a friend. I don't hide my partner either. If people can't handle it, they aren't the type of people I want to be around. Why bring people into your life that have that kind of prejudice? I don't wear it on my sleeve, dress ultra flamboyant, talk loudly or twirl (at least in public.) That's my way of being careful. And most importantly, to this day, I don't let anyone take advantage of me or use the knowledge of my sexuality as a threat against me.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Daknee » Thu Jul 08, 2010 9:33 am

Wow! West guy that was a horrific coming out story. The worst way to have to come out I'd say. I'm so glad you come through that well enough.



westguy3 wrote:Forced Out

My coming out was a pretty harrowing experience. I am putting my story out there to possibly help anyone who is completely alone and has nobody to support them when you come out. Just having ONE friend who can be there for you is a huge help in the coming out process.

When I was 21, I was totally closeted, but I started going to gay bars to meet guys. I was new to the whole scene, had only a few minor experiences sexually and was pretty naive about the ways of the world. This was in 1980. I met a guy at the bar and we started seeing each other exclusively. He was attractive and a bit older than me. After a few weeks, I began to notice that he drank every night and some nights very heavily. He was an alcoholic. Well, I started backing away from the relationship and at one point sat him down and said that I wanted to break up, I couldn't handle his drinking. My reasoning was that he became a completely different person when drinking; aggressive, violent, prone to arguing, etc. Well, it didn't go over well and he became very violent, so I backed down and kept seeing him for a month or two longer. When I finally could not take it any longer, I totally broke up with him. Then he began a long-term campaign of stalking me.

Now, mind you, I was not out to ANYONE in my family or my circle of friends at this time. I had one friend who knew but he lived elsewhere. So, all that happens from this point out was handled on my own with zero support.

The man in question began to stalk me daily. Examples: He'd call houses where I was at a party or gathering and let me know that he was in my apartment. He broke in several times by kicking in the sliding glass doors and would leave bizzare notes. He would drive around my office at work, almost daily, and sometimes come in and demand to see me. He would call me at work and threaten suicide. (Once I actually called 911 and had an ambulance go to his house out of spite!) He followed me in his car wherever I went. (To this day, I still get a little panicked when I see a green Plymouth Valiant.) At one point, he actually held me hostage in the middle of the night. He had shown up while I was passed out from a night of partying, tied me up and then held me that way for an entire day, right before Thanksgiving. He finally let me go when the booze and cigarettes ran out. I know it sounds like TV drama, but it's very true and I lived it. Try going to Thanksgiving dinner after being held against your will and acting like nothing bad happened in the last 24 hours. Not fun.

It all culminated and came to a head when I went out of town to take a break from my pathetic life one weekend. While I was visiting a friend at college, he had broken in and completely trashed my place. He broke everything breakable, scattered food everywhere, wrote things on the walls, took my art porfolio and threw it in a dumpster, broke my guitar into pieces. Just ruined everything you could ruin. The place looked like a tornado hit it. It had to have been pretty loud, but seemingly nobody did anything or called the police.

When I got home, I sort of went into shock. The door was standing open and my place looked like hell. I knew that I couldn't go on keeping things a secret, not after that. I needed help dealing with this psycho. I reluctantly left and drove to my (extremely religious) parents home and tearfully explained what was going on and why it was happening. This horrible outcome and my personal devastation was my parents introduction to my being gay. It couldn't have been worse. The aftermath of this guy's stalking me was I was evicted from my apartment and fired from my job in the same week. I had to move back home. My father called the police and we all went back to my place that next day and they did some police work, found fingerprints and handwriting samples (from psycho notes he'd left) and then the police went to his place to confront him with the evidence and for questioning. He admitted to everything and was prosecuted. He served a week in jail, had to pay me restitution and had a court order to stay away from me for a year. Of course, he was broke and had to move to his parents home and they ended up paying the court. I got a check every month, but it did little to help my mental state.

Naturally, once my family found out, all my friends found out as well. I had to explain what the hell just happened in my life. It was a bumpy year for me. I lost several "friends" and kept some good ones. Against my better judgment and at my father's behest, I entered into church-sponsored therapy to "pray away the gay" (which is, as many know, impossible.) I tried freelancing to get back on my feet and worked at home, but finally got a job and moved back out 10 months later.

Eventually, my family came around as the years went by and actually met some of the guys I had long-term relationships with, including my current 15-year partner. While they never accepted me for who I am, they at least "tolerated" that part of me. It's more than I ever thought I'd get from them. My brother keeps silent and is friendly. My sister is a hypocrite and to my face is nice, but behind my back tells others she "hates that he's gay". I had told people I thought were good friends and had reactions all over the map. One guy actually made me stop the car in traffic and let him out, miles from his home! I tried to keep it to myself at work, but one trusted female co-worker eventually told everyone and I was ostracized from that point on, even though I had previously been invited to lunch gatherings and extra-curricular gatherings in the past. You just never know how people will react and I felt like I made a mistake. However, this was the 80s and these were very young people. They had little knowledge about anything gay in those days.

Being gay and coming out is a total litmus test. And doing it with the kind of back-story that I have pushes that envelope even further. It's a hard enough situation without added drama and psychopaths to deal with. I want others to know that even if you can trust ONE person and tell you situation to, it can help. I felt I had nobody to turn to back then and it made the situation feel even more horrible and desperate. Try and tell SOMEONE about yourself so you don't feel trapped by being gay. It's a biological, same sex attraction, not a jail cell.

And the guy that did all that damage? He was found about 2 years later, in the trunk of his own car, dead from being strangled. There was a big story about it in the paper at that time. I guess there was someone else he tried that drama with and it didn't work out very well for him. Karma has a way of working out.

My coming out in that way and going through what I did so long ago makes me a much stronger person but also a much more guarded, careful person. And that's not a bad thing. To this day I don't tell my clients unless they ask. But I'm out to my friends and family and anyone new that looks like they may become a friend. I don't hide my partner either. If people can't handle it, they aren't the type of people I want to be around. Why bring people into your life that have that kind of prejudice? I don't wear it on my sleeve, dress ultra flamboyant, talk loudly or twirl (at least in public.) That's my way of being careful. And most importantly, to this day, I don't let anyone take advantage of me or use the knowledge of my sexuality as a threat against me.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Schlodesss » Thu Jul 08, 2010 10:48 am

Wow,

Dudes lucky he wasn't pulling that crap with me, he'd have been at the bottom of a spring fed quarry...... and I wouldn't miss a beat... and no I am not a cold blooded murderer, but NO ONE does something like that to me and lives to tell...

Glad it worked out ok for you man.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby ispeaktexan » Thu Jul 08, 2010 3:48 pm

That really sucks. Sorry that happened man.
I don't think I could handle that...I would have probably tried to do something about it with the law and if it didn't work out i'm sure i would've probably lost it and done something radical....
Can't believe you could take all that.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby butch » Thu Jul 08, 2010 4:20 pm

westguy3 wrote:Forced Out

My coming out was a pretty harrowing experience. I am putting my story out there to possibly help anyone who is completely alone and has nobody to support them when you come out. Just having ONE friend who can be there for you is a huge help in the coming out process.

When I was 21, I was totally closeted, but I started going to gay bars to meet guys. I was new to the whole scene, had only a few minor experiences sexually and was pretty naive about the ways of the world. This was in 1980. I met a guy at the bar and we started seeing each other exclusively. He was attractive and a bit older than me. After a few weeks, I began to notice that he drank every night and some nights very heavily. He was an alcoholic. Well, I started backing away from the relationship and at one point sat him down and said that I wanted to break up, I couldn't handle his drinking. My reasoning was that he became a completely different person when drinking; aggressive, violent, prone to arguing, etc. Well, it didn't go over well and he became very violent, so I backed down and kept seeing him for a month or two longer. When I finally could not take it any longer, I totally broke up with him. Then he began a long-term campaign of stalking me.

Now, mind you, I was not out to ANYONE in my family or my circle of friends at this time. I had one friend who knew but he lived elsewhere. So, all that happens from this point out was handled on my own with zero support.

The man in question began to stalk me daily. Examples: He'd call houses where I was at a party or gathering and let me know that he was in my apartment. He broke in several times by kicking in the sliding glass doors and would leave bizzare notes. He would drive around my office at work, almost daily, and sometimes come in and demand to see me. He would call me at work and threaten suicide. (Once I actually called 911 and had an ambulance go to his house out of spite!) He followed me in his car wherever I went. (To this day, I still get a little panicked when I see a green Plymouth Valiant.) At one point, he actually held me hostage in the middle of the night. He had shown up while I was passed out from a night of partying, tied me up and then held me that way for an entire day, right before Thanksgiving. He finally let me go when the booze and cigarettes ran out. I know it sounds like TV drama, but it's very true and I lived it. Try going to Thanksgiving dinner after being held against your will and acting like nothing bad happened in the last 24 hours. Not fun.

It all culminated and came to a head when I went out of town to take a break from my pathetic life one weekend. While I was visiting a friend at college, he had broken in and completely trashed my place. He broke everything breakable, scattered food everywhere, wrote things on the walls, took my art porfolio and threw it in a dumpster, broke my guitar into pieces. Just ruined everything you could ruin. The place looked like a tornado hit it. It had to have been pretty loud, but seemingly nobody did anything or called the police.

When I got home, I sort of went into shock. The door was standing open and my place looked like hell. I knew that I couldn't go on keeping things a secret, not after that. I needed help dealing with this psycho. I reluctantly left and drove to my (extremely religious) parents home and tearfully explained what was going on and why it was happening. This horrible outcome and my personal devastation was my parents introduction to my being gay. It couldn't have been worse. The aftermath of this guy's stalking me was I was evicted from my apartment and fired from my job in the same week. I had to move back home. My father called the police and we all went back to my place that next day and they did some police work, found fingerprints and handwriting samples (from psycho notes he'd left) and then the police went to his place to confront him with the evidence and for questioning. He admitted to everything and was prosecuted. He served a week in jail, had to pay me restitution and had a court order to stay away from me for a year. Of course, he was broke and had to move to his parents home and they ended up paying the court. I got a check every month, but it did little to help my mental state.

Naturally, once my family found out, all my friends found out as well. I had to explain what the hell just happened in my life. It was a bumpy year for me. I lost several "friends" and kept some good ones. Against my better judgment and at my father's behest, I entered into church-sponsored therapy to "pray away the gay" (which is, as many know, impossible.) I tried freelancing to get back on my feet and worked at home, but finally got a job and moved back out 10 months later.

Eventually, my family came around as the years went by and actually met some of the guys I had long-term relationships with, including my current 15-year partner. While they never accepted me for who I am, they at least "tolerated" that part of me. It's more than I ever thought I'd get from them. My brother keeps silent and is friendly. My sister is a hypocrite and to my face is nice, but behind my back tells others she "hates that he's gay". I had told people I thought were good friends and had reactions all over the map. One guy actually made me stop the car in traffic and let him out, miles from his home! I tried to keep it to myself at work, but one trusted female co-worker eventually told everyone and I was ostracized from that point on, even though I had previously been invited to lunch gatherings and extra-curricular gatherings in the past. You just never know how people will react and I felt like I made a mistake. However, this was the 80s and these were very young people. They had little knowledge about anything gay in those days.

Being gay and coming out is a total litmus test. And doing it with the kind of back-story that I have pushes that envelope even further. It's a hard enough situation without added drama and psychopaths to deal with. I want others to know that even if you can trust ONE person and tell you situation to, it can help. I felt I had nobody to turn to back then and it made the situation feel even more horrible and desperate. Try and tell SOMEONE about yourself so you don't feel trapped by being gay. It's a biological, same sex attraction, not a jail cell.

And the guy that did all that damage? He was found about 2 years later, in the trunk of his own car, dead from being strangled. There was a big story about it in the paper at that time. I guess there was someone else he tried that drama with and it didn't work out very well for him. Karma has a way of working out.

My coming out in that way and going through what I did so long ago makes me a much stronger person but also a much more guarded, careful person. And that's not a bad thing. To this day I don't tell my clients unless they ask. But I'm out to my friends and family and anyone new that looks like they may become a friend. I don't hide my partner either. If people can't handle it, they aren't the type of people I want to be around. Why bring people into your life that have that kind of prejudice? I don't wear it on my sleeve, dress ultra flamboyant, talk loudly or twirl (at least in public.) That's my way of being careful. And most importantly, to this day, I don't let anyone take advantage of me or use the knowledge of my sexuality as a threat against me.


That's a sad story and, horrifically enough, one I've heard before from others. There are a lot of weird people out there and enough of them I've met that I've become the recluse that I am. I've learned not to trust anyone I've met unless I've known them for quite a few years, and even then there is no guarantee they won't screw you around. For those who may find themselves in your situation, move... change your phone number, get a restraining order and most of all read all you can about CO-DEPENDENCY and how to escape it. You will have your work cut out for you but it will change your life forever. Wayne Dyer, the self-help guru wrote a book that is helpful on the subject of co-dependency called "Your Erroneous Zones". A boring but useful read.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Sun Jul 11, 2010 10:26 pm

Schlodesss wrote:Wow,

Dudes lucky he wasn't pulling that crap with me, he'd have been at the bottom of a spring fed quarry...... and I wouldn't miss a beat... and no I am not a cold blooded murderer, but NO ONE does something like that to me and lives to tell...

Glad it worked out ok for you man.


Ditto. After his third time with me, he'd have gone missing real quick.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Fri Sep 10, 2010 1:50 pm

Well, I've had a weird week. I have found myself defending the rights and practices of homosexuality in the most unexpected places, my family!!!

It started off with me going out or lunch with my aunt, who I though was cool with equal rights. During our discussion, she said, "and the next group you wanna watch out for are the gays. They're digging their way in and soon they'll be running the country." I nearly choked on my pannini. All I said was, "so?" She continued on with 'them' demanding equal rights and all that "crap", taking good jobs away from the normal people. That's where I nearly crapped my pants. This is a woman with two master's degrees and is a teacher herself. What to do, what to do?

So instead of loosing it, I stayed calm and proceeded to explore her reasoning. I conversed with her calmly and explained to her the difference between wanting equal rights and wanting preferential treatment. By the time lunch was done,she admitted that she was quite naiieve on the topic and I had her agreeing that every one, including homosexuals, deserve EQUAL rights, and very few minorities deserve preferential treatment. All are equal. Her last line on the topic was, "yes, it doesn't matter who you fall in love with, all love is good."

Next was today and it was my sister. Now my sister is a totally different creature (picture Peg Bundy). So again, after she nearly ran my wife and me over in the parking lot of Costco, and discovering that it was indeed my sister, we ran up to greet her, laugh and critisize her pathetic driving. We all had a chuckle and went into Costco to pick up a few things and grab a bite for lunch. As the conversation turn to how we are adjusting to condo living, my wife and I explained that we have a gay neighbour in the next building who continously "performs" with hook ups in the fully open view of his living room. No he doesn't close the blinds at all and when we are out on our balcony having coffee, everything is in total view. So of course we watch :D . As we were describing the performance two nights ago, she covered her ears abd went, "ewwwww! Stop." I say, "what! They're just two people having sex. No big deal. Besides they don't do anything much different than most straight people do." Then my lovely and normally discreet wife says, "C'mon, it's 2010. Who doesn't like to suck c**k. Given the chance, most guys would too. Don't be such an ol' lady." My sister, shocked, burst out laughing and I just sat there stunned and smiling. My sister goes, "Yeah, I guess you're right. No big deal any more."

So I think I've discovered my method. Work from the inside and when ever we hear derogatory comments, we stop them right there and then. But just be careful and choose appropriate language for the crowd. This is the fourth time I/we used this method. It shows that we are are not homophobic and might soften the blow when I fully come out. I'm out enough, to my wife, close friends and of course my lover. That's enough for now. I'm still new at this, but I feel that somehow I/we are still contributing to the cause and advancement of gay rights. Acceptance.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby olywaguy » Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:18 am

Today is National Coming Out Day.

If you are ready to come out, go for it and tell us about it.

If not, you can come out to us here anonymously under your username. The more you tell it, the easier it gets.

Nine years ago, I came out to myself. Haven't come out to everyone yet, but to a select few people I have. I think some folks may suspect that I am gay however...most likely at work. There is a large gay population at the college I work at so it wouldn't be a big deal if I did, but I still want to keep that to myself.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby glas_scot » Tue Oct 12, 2010 3:11 am

I haven't updated in here in a while, but (except from my immediate family) I'm out to everyone close to me. Cousins, close friends and my group of friends at University. Except for one person, it all has been too good to be true. Everyone has been so supportive and I'm a lot more comfortable with myself than I ever have been.

Oh, and I'm going on a first date tonight! :D
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Tue Oct 12, 2010 7:04 pm

That's great. But one question. How do you keep your cousins from spilling it to your immediate family? My sister just suspected me and she was on the phone to my mom. My mom came close to asking me, but changed her mind at the last second. I would have told her too, though I think she knows though.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby crankycurmudgeon » Tue Oct 12, 2010 10:30 pm

olywaguy wrote:Today is National Coming Out Day.

If you are ready to come out, go for it and tell us about it.

If not, you can come out to us here anonymously under your username. The more you tell it, the easier it gets.

Nine years ago, I came out to myself. Haven't come out to everyone yet, but to a select few people I have. I think some folks may suspect that I am gay however...most likely at work. There is a large gay population at the college I work at so it wouldn't be a big deal if I did, but I still want to keep that to myself.


WHAT! Carlos is gay? I had to read it here?

I'm shocked! :wink:
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Marvinteck » Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:43 pm

I started sleeping with my best friend in highschool. Back then I considered it experimentation. We were both sworn to secrecy by each other. Keeping it a secret back then wasnt a big burden on me. It was only after I ran from my sexuality due religous reasons and went into denial when I was 18 I started running into problems. A year after I went into denial I tried killing myself because I was so ashamed of my gay feelings and what I had done as an teen. I didnt think my family would accept me and I thought god was going to send me to hell if I pursued the gay life. I hid in the closet for ten years and was miserable because I was running away from my sexuality and hated gay people. Six months before my 28th birthday I casually admitted to an friend I was bisexual. As my birthday got closer I started having suicidal thoughts again. Two weeks before my birthday in September I had two scenarios set up in my mind and I was dead serious about wanting to end my life. I thought about it some more and decided to hold off. After that I was thinking about just telling another close friend and my mother about my sexual orientatation. I thought I had nothing to gain by outting myself any further than that. That was the plan any ways.

I told my close friend and was partly in denial still. I did some research and thought about it. As soon as I realized i was actually attracted to guys I went into shock and my shy personality turned on a dime. Here is an post that explains what happened with my state of mind:

http://personalitycafe.com/general-psychology/38059-sudden-personality-change.html

I pretty much went manic and had no fears so I came out to my family and a few close friends. At the time I had hit rock bottom and the only reason I came out was because I couldnt get any more distant from the people around me. The alternative was killing myself pretty much because I was so depressed about my life.
I came out to the people that I cared about which are my family and some close friends. Im still adjusting to the whole idea myself that Im not straight. September and October were rough. On the same note though accepting myself as not straight and coming out to the people that I love was a very liberating experience. Everybody that I have told has been 110% supportive.

At this point I dont care who knows or finds out now. Im not out at work yet though. Quite frankly its none of my coworkers business who I like to sleep with. I go to work to provide my services and get paid for them. Im not there to gossip and discuss my personal life. I like to keep my professional life and personal life separate. If somebody confronts me about my sexuality at work Im not going to deny it but Im certainly aint gonna bring up the subject and out myself for no reason at all. I have several coworkers as friends on Facebook. My profile says Im interested in guys. I post pro-gay links all the time on my wall. All they would have to do is take a quick peak at my profile if they had any suspicions. Nobody has said a word yet. I think they are to wrapped up in there own worlds. That's fine by me. Currently Im happy being at the stage Im at now.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Ashpenaz » Wed Dec 01, 2010 12:08 pm

I appreciate your sharing, Marvinteck. I can relate to a lot of what you say, especially the years of self-hatred. But at least you shaved 20 years off your self-hating period compared to mine! :) I look forward to a day when gay kids don't have to have a self-hating period as part of their coming out stories.

I'm glad your friends support you. I, too, have found 110% support from my friends, even the more conservative ones. It seems the climate is changing. Thanks for posting.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby glas_scot » Fri Jan 07, 2011 5:14 am

I actually had a bad experience at New year's that I need to get off my chest. Basically when I was at a family party for NYE, I was in the kitchen where all my uncles (and my Dad) where hanging out. The conversation was great until the topic of Elton Johns new baby came up, this led to gay celebs, celebs who aren't gay but must be as they're not normal etc. From this I have discovered my family are even more homophobic than I imagined. I had to sit there and listen to them say how Elton John should never have been allowed to have a child as it's going to grow up to believe it's ok to be gay, therefore it will be gay etc etc. When talking about celebs, so many insults were being used I felt like everyone being said was being aimed at me.

I have no way to describe how I was feeling. I just sat there listening, laughing along when inside I was wanting to run, cry, scream and never look back. If it was a small group I would have defend everything said, but when theres 8 members of your family saying this you feel so defenceless and small.

I could barely look my Dad in the eye the rest of the evening and left soon after. So I put on a brave face and went to my friends party. I didn't even have that much to drink but I was talking alone with a close friend (my newly lesbian friend I have mentioned before) and ended up in a flood of tears. I have never felt more alone than that moment.

Everything was going so well, my friends are so supportive and I was generally feeling great. Now I feel like I'm back to square one. I have no idea how I could tell my Dad while we're still living in the same house. I generally thought he must have some sort of idea, but clearly if the thought has passed his mind he quickly passed it off with something negative about homosexuality.

I've rambled on enough

nimby wrote:That's great. But one question. How do you keep your cousins from spilling it to your immediate family? My sister just suspected me and she was on the phone to my mom. My mom came close to asking me, but changed her mind at the last second. I would have told her too, though I think she knows though.


My cousins and I are very close, there's only a couple of years seperating us and they have done something in the past that if there parents found out they would KILL them! (ie one has a tattoo on her ass, smokes and dated a guy who 23 and told her parents he was 18. I have enough ammo to keep her quiet!)
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Fri Jan 07, 2011 12:20 pm

Awww, Steve, that sucks. I'm so sorry. I used to believe that a gay person should be out to everyone they know. I know better now that I'm comming to terms with my gayness. Not everyone has to know, and only when YOU feel it is right. There are a few who should know, but not everyone. What I do now is when I hear homophobic comments, I try to join the conversation (without revealing my sexuality) and question their feelings. Play devil's advocate like. I've done this with my mom and my aunt. I stopped both of them in their tracks by using other discriminated parties as an example. I can't totally come out to everyone cause it's not just me who's affected, but my wife and kids too. I have to think what people would say to/about them too. :(
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby olywaguy » Sat Apr 02, 2011 12:57 am

I came out to two of my student workers for the past week and a half.

One of them because he had just broken up with his girlfriend and we were talking about it and he asked me if something like it happened to me with a girl. So, I related a story about me and my ex using masculine pronouns.

The second time, it was with a female student worker and she commented that she thought her teacher was gay. The way she said it made me think like she thought it was wrong and I made a big deal about it and in the process I told her. She thought it was sweet.

Lately, I've been feeling the need to begin telling a few folks especially so they can help me find someone that I can date. The online stuff is for the birds...it is always the same guys and the same stupid games. I am getting frustrated and fed up with it.

So, there it is. Baby steps for sure.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Fri Apr 08, 2011 7:38 pm

Good for you, Carlos. Baby steps are better than no steps. There has to be a point in life where you stop living your life for others and do what makes you happy. I'm learning that now. Too bad if others don't like it.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Mephistopheles » Mon May 16, 2011 9:56 am

I don't have some long story like the rest of you folks. One day I just decided that enough was enough, and I didn't like hiding, so I wrote a little script that would pop up on the computer once my mother logged on that basically said "Yeah, I'm gay, but I'm not going to turn into some girly boy because that's not who I am. I'm still an asshole.". She hugged me an said "I knew you were", apparently my ex gave it away with his girly antics. Mother then told father, who did some fatherly speech about how he doesn't respect me any less. Life returned to normal. Still have my friends, still have my family, life is back to normal.
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Gaydudelaf » Mon May 16, 2011 8:34 pm

Mephistopheles wrote:I don't have some long story like the rest of you folks. One day I just decided that enough was enough, and I didn't like hiding, so I wrote a little script that would pop up on the computer once my mother logged on that basically said "Yeah, I'm gay, but I'm not going to turn into some girly boy because that's not who I am. I'm still an asshole.". She hugged me an said "I knew you were", apparently my ex gave it away with his girly antics. Mother then told father, who did some fatherly speech about how he doesn't respect me any less. Life returned to normal. Still have my friends, still have my family, life is back to normal.


Haha sounds like it worked out good for you. I lost a lot of friends when I came out and there was some weirdness with my family for several years. My parents still think I am straight and just confused. My father is trying to get me to date my late husband's aunt. I am back in the closet at work here where I live now, but I figure it is a matter of time before something breaks. I just want them to get to know me and my capabilities before they know. I had a rough year anyway so I figure its time to give myself a break.

Hope to see you around!
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Mon May 16, 2011 8:53 pm

Gaydudelaf wrote:My parents still think I am straight and just confused. My father is trying to get me to date my late husband's aunt.

:shock: Oh man, you're joking, right?
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby Gaydudelaf » Mon May 16, 2011 8:59 pm

nimby wrote:
Gaydudelaf wrote:My parents still think I am straight and just confused. My father is trying to get me to date my late husband's aunt.

:shock: Oh man, you're joking, right?



Haha, but you would have to know my parents. They are good people and I honestly think that he just doesn't get it. How can we expect anyone to totally understand that isn't the same way? :P
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby olywaguy » Mon May 16, 2011 9:25 pm

Gaydudelaf wrote:
nimby wrote:
Gaydudelaf wrote:My parents still think I am straight and just confused. My father is trying to get me to date my late husband's aunt.

:shock: Oh man, you're joking, right?



Haha, but you would have to know my parents. They are good people and I honestly think that he just doesn't get it. How can we expect anyone to totally understand that isn't the same way? :P



Did you ever kiss Dustin in the mouth or any other show of affection in front of them?
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Re: Coming Out Stories

Postby nimby » Thu Oct 20, 2011 8:34 pm

I found this Dan Savage opinion on dating and comming out rather interesting.


Savage Love

By Dan Savage

I’m a college freshman. I thought that college would be the place to come out, but the sad fact is that college hasn’t changed anything. I’m still unable to admit my sexuality to my friends, teammates, classmates and hallmates. I have thought about joining the LGBT organizations, but those guys are too “out” for me. Not that there’s any problem with that. I just don’t think that being gay is anyone else’s business unless I want them to know. The hardest part is seeing other freshmen go out to parties, hook up and date when I don’t have the opportunity to do so. I’ve resorted to going on Craigslist, but my encounters have been weird. What should I do?

Closeted Undergrad



You’re not required to disclose who you’re going out with, CU, or the gender of the folks you would like to go out with. But keeping your sexual orientation a secret indefinitely – not your sexual interests (which you can keep to yourself), but your sexual orientation – will ultimately warp your psyche and your life.

Think about it from the other side: What would the straight guys on your team have to do in order to hide their straightness from you? They could never mention their girlfriends, go out on dates or hook up with someone they met at a party. They would have to hide their porn and be careful not to check out girls in public. They could never get engaged, get married or have kids. They might be able to have furtive, secretive and shame-driven sexual encounters with other closeted heterosexuals they met online or in places where closeted straight people gathered to have anonymous sex, but finding love – true and lasting love – would be extremely difficult.

It wouldn’t be impossible – some gay people managed to find lasting love back in the bad old days – but it would be difficult. And the sneaking around and hiding and lying would ultimately warp their psyches and their lives.

If you don’t want to get warped, CU, you’re going to have to come out. And once you’re out, you don’t have to hang out with gay people with whom you don’t click, and you don’t have to be gay the way, say, the LGBT groupers on your campus are gay. Remember, gay men who are out at your age (18?) tend to be a bit gayer than the average gay dude. They’re out in part because they can’t be in. And God bless ’em and more power to ’em and the gay rights/liberation movement would never have gotten off the ground without ’em. But since you can pass, CU, you’ve had the option of waiting.

You have, of course, the option of never coming out. But as you’re discovering, CU, it’s hard to date in the closet, and DL-enabling sites like CL and Grindr aren’t going to deliver the kind of connections you want. So long as you’re limited to quickly arranged hookups with guys you don’t know, can’t risk getting to know and can’t be seen with in public, all of your encounters are going to be weird. Not because all the guys on CL or Grindr are weird – there are good guys on both sites – but because you’re trying to have a life and keep it secret, that tends to attract weirdos without lives.

Look, CU, you’re only 18. You’ve got time. But what you’re going to realize, in not too much more time, is that dating and finding love – or even just sex – inside the closet is nearly impossible. You can remain in the closet and keep your business secret, but you won’t have much of a life in there. And when you realize that, CU, you’ll come out. First to a friend or two, then to your family, then to everyone. And once you’re all the way out, you’ll find that the guys you’ve been focusing on – the “too out” guys – aren’t the only gay guys out there. Just some of the best. I know it’s hard. But you can do it. All it takes is opening your mouth and saying the words.
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