Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

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Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

Postby Phoenix6570 » Fri Aug 29, 2008 1:11 pm

Well I just returned to college a few days ago and I'm with a new roommate. One thing that always bothered me about sharing a room is I always feel like I have to hide my sexuality from everyone. I can't be free to look at what I want or discuss what I want without having to worry. I hate doing it, I feel like I'm not being completely forthcoming about myself. I always feel like I can never really get close to anyone since I have to hide my true self. With all the thoughts I have about it I guess I should just reveal myself... if only I wasn't such a wimp about that.

It's alot harder dealing with it here. Back in my hometown all of my friends know, so to come here and have to be secretive pretty much sucks. I guess i'm asking how other people deal with a situation where they feel like they're forced to hide their sexuality. It's one thing when it's with a friend but when you share a room it gets rather difficult. I would try talking to my roommate about these issues but I've already heard him make a few negative comments about gays. When things like this occur (not just with him but with other friends too) I'm at a loss as to what move to make next. It's bad to say but I think I would rather just hide myself then open up and then deal with living with someone that hates me for who I am. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Postby Pazuzu P. Sasquatch » Fri Aug 29, 2008 4:12 pm

Grow a pair and tell him.

Not to make light, because I grew up out in the sticks and I spent a lot of my early life (and four years in the Army) keeping who I am to myself. But when I finally stopped doing that, life got a lot easier. . . .

It's 2008. What's the worst he's gonna do, move out? So what? Not everybody has to like you. . . .
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Postby olywaguy » Fri Aug 29, 2008 4:22 pm

Since you are sharing living quarters, it might be appropriate to tell him that you are gay. You should feel at home in your own home especially at such a small space. Rules might need to be discussed about bringing dates home, but it shouldn't be one-sided either like he can bring his female dates and you can't bring your guy dates to spend the night. It should be equal.

This might also be an opportunity to help teach a straight person what a gay person is really like.

If you don't want to go the direct route, just have one of your gay friends come over while your roommate is there and have him give you a big kiss in the lips so there is absolutely no misunderstanding about your orientation. :P

Also, for all you know, he might be gay or bisexual as well.
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Postby Pazuzu P. Sasquatch » Fri Aug 29, 2008 4:29 pm

olywaguy wrote:This might also be an opportunity to help teach a straight person what a gay person is really like.


Good point. The most constructive thing we can do is be out. Homophobia's based largely on ignorance, and once they see we don't have two heads (insert dirty joke here), most reasonable people tend to mellow out about it and look at us in a more enlightened way.

Not saying it's without risk, but in this day and age the risks are kind of overblown. (insert dirty joke here)
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Re: Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

Postby solat » Fri Aug 29, 2008 6:46 pm

I think you should do whatever you feel comfortable with.

You're there to study, and you have to decide if it's worth it spending a lot of time and effort tutoring your flatmate on 'dispelling gay myths 101'.

I'm not a closet-case. I'm out pretty much everywhere, but sometimes don't have the time/energy to have indepth conversations with the ignorant.
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Postby Earl Butz » Sat Aug 30, 2008 6:10 am

The lady who cuts my hair asked me if I was gay....I didn't say anything because it's really none of her business.

I would say same goes for your roommate unless you become friendly and want to share such info.
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Postby Pazuzu P. Sasquatch » Sat Aug 30, 2008 6:31 am

Silence or "None of your business." is usually heard as "Yes."

Here's an exchange you never hear: Q: "Are you into women?" A: "None of your business." (Unless the person being asked is a woman, I guess.)

These are just some thoughts, BTW. My own "coming out" process was lengthy and convoluted. I think it's best to be out, period, but the way an individual gets there, if he does, is a personal choice. (Queens who out people for no good reason infuriate me.)

I do know, speaking for myself, that being out brings a sense of relief beyond words. Therefore, I recommend it highly. But ultimately, it's YOUR life.
When I was driving once, I saw this painted on a bridge: "I don't want the world. I just want your half."
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Postby Bramasole_iowa » Sat Aug 30, 2008 9:43 pm

The only year of college I lived in the dorms I got rid of my roommate by constantly masturbating and not caring if he was there or not. :-)
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Postby jkav » Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:00 am

I had two Bible-thumping Baptist roommates my freshman year of college. It seemed like everything they said was some sort of put down to one group or another, and at the time I didn't say anything about it.

I never got around to telling them I was gay because once they found out I was a Catholic, they left me alone.
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Postby Phoenix6570 » Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:02 pm

I think I'll just go with the flow of things; if he finds out then he finds out. It's more important for me to live my life anyway, besides being open about it is something I'll have to get used to anyway. Thanks for the advice.
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Postby GX » Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:51 am

Bramasole_iowa wrote:The only year of college I lived in the dorms I got rid of my roommate by constantly masturbating and not caring if he was there or not.


Holler out your roomies name while you're doing it to make things more interesting. :lol:


I just keep my mouth shut. It's no ones business who or what I do. If you're planning on bringing dates back to the room though...you'll probably have to say something, just to be polite.
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Postby darkwolf » Wed Sep 10, 2008 12:44 pm

when i got here to school, i didnt say anything i jsut did what i usually do. and then eventually they figured it out on their own, the way i see it, do what you want and if he has a problem with it then one of you guys could probalby find another room to live in. im not going to say which one should find a place cause thatll start all kinds of trouble but its an idea.
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Postby nimby » Tue Oct 14, 2008 12:36 pm

jkav wrote:I had two Bible-thumping Baptist roommates my freshman year of college. It seemed like everything they said was some sort of put down to one group or another, and at the time I didn't say anything about it.

I never got around to telling them I was gay because once they found out I was a Catholic, they left me alone.


YOU'RE CATHOLIC?!?! Oh the shame. How could you? (LOL LOL LOL)
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Postby dracuscalico » Tue Oct 14, 2008 2:44 pm

As far as what you do about the roommate, not to be divisive, BUT it is generally white guys who say "come out and be who you really are", because they have the luxury of white empowerment to fall back upon.

If you are a person of color, you're already being subjected to discrimination and limitations, so accepting the burden of being classified in an ADDITIONAL way, that may cause you to be discriminated against, is not to be taken lightly.
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Postby jkav » Wed Oct 15, 2008 12:49 am

nimby wrote:
jkav wrote:I had two Bible-thumping Baptist roommates my freshman year of college. It seemed like everything they said was some sort of put down to one group or another, and at the time I didn't say anything about it.

I never got around to telling them I was gay because once they found out I was a Catholic, they left me alone.


YOU'RE CATHOLIC?!?! Oh the shame. How could you? (LOL LOL LOL)


I know, right? It seems like Kansas City has an inordinately high number of people who don't particularly care for Catholics. I think the Bible Belt has a branch office somewhere in town.

A part of me wishes I had told them I was gay, just to get everything out in the open at once. They probably would have stopped using our bathroom, for fear of catching gay from the shower drain or something.
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Postby PhillyAgenda » Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:12 am

I had a roommate a few years ago at college who came across as pretty ignorant about gays. I hadn't heard him say anything particularly demeaning but I could tell he just did not get it. I don't remember exactly why, I think he was talking to his friend about someone who was gay, but I almost casually mentioned that I was gay myself. And this was not too long after we met when the year started. He wasn't mean or confrontational or anything, but I could tell that he was still confused at how someone could be homosexual. And one thing that stuck in my mind was that he asked me several times why I "chose" to be gay. He asked me this even after I told him I didn't choose anything. I just tried to explain it as simply as I could without getting frustrated. We weren't buddies or anything but we were cool while we lived together. Both always respectful of each other. I suspect that I really must have challenged what his perception of a gay guy is. And I Hope I made a good impression and opened up his mind a little bit.

Obviously not everyone is going to react the way he did, but if I lived with someone who was continuously saying or doing things that offended me, it would drive me crazy. There would have to be some sort of talk, assuring this person that I have nothing against him and that I'm not a threat to him in any way, but that it is not acceptable to constantly disrespect someone you have to live with, regardless of what he believes or how he feels. If you can't say something nice in that situation, you shouldn't say anything at all just out of common courtesy.

One thing that has bothered me that isn't the same as living with a roommate is dealing with co-workers. I don't make a habit of mentioning my sexuality randomly to people, but I decided that if someone asks me I would definitely tell them. And there are several people I work with who know I'm gay. But 3 times now, someone has made some sort of derogatory comment about gays to me. And of course, they're doing this because they think I'm straight and I'll agree with them. Each time this has happened, I very calmly told the person that I'm actually gay. And each time the person has been a little shocked at first, and then quickly apologized for offending me. I've just come to accept that this is going to happen, but I've been surprised at how quickly all of them backtracked and apologized. Again, I'm sure not everyone will react this way but I think a lot of people who say derogatory things like that almost become a deer in the headlights when confronted by an actual gay person they weren't expecting.
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Postby dracuscalico » Mon Dec 01, 2008 3:35 am

This sort of thing happens to minority professionals who have no ethnic inflection on the phone. Whites will assume they are dealing with a white and say something derogatory about someone who isn't and then get busted when the professionals either say something, or if they are scheduled to meet, say NOTHING prior to meeting them, and then watch them squirm with embarassment.
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Postby PhillyAgenda » Mon Dec 01, 2008 12:16 pm

Yes very true, that's happened to my brother a few times at work.
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Postby J » Mon Apr 20, 2009 9:13 pm

I'm still perfectly comfortable in the closet, although it wouldn't destroy me if I was outed these days (unlike when you first met me on 9/27/01).
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Postby matinee » Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:13 am

J wrote:I'm still perfectly comfortable in the closet, although it wouldn't destroy me if I was outed these days (unlike when you first met me on 9/27/01).


Hey, everyone, J is GAY!

There, I outed you :)

May you find support in those you come out to. I can only encourage you to do so. You will find out who is who.
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Postby Odeh » Sat May 02, 2009 11:32 am

The only people I don't hid sexuality from are the people I am having sex
with..
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Re:

Postby tomthumb » Tue Sep 22, 2009 11:45 am

matinee wrote:
J wrote:I'm still perfectly comfortable in the closet, although it wouldn't destroy me if I was outed these days (unlike when you first met me on 9/27/01).


Hey, everyone, J is GAY!

There, I outed you :)

May you find support in those you come out to. I can only encourage you to do so. You will find out who is who.



J I feel the same way. I imagine being outed too.
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Re: Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

Postby jabpcola » Wed Dec 16, 2009 11:38 pm

In a word, NO. That is why I came out to my wife some 43 years ago. We have acknowledged it since, but seldom talked about it. I have lived a straight life since we married and at times it is pure agony. But, I loved her more than life itself. She passed away August 5th this year and I've been one lost puppy since. As I posted in another thread, I intend on coming out to a few more friends soon because it is such a pain living a lie. It won't be all that hard because most of my fiends are lesibans and most of them know I am gay. The few old work-mates (I am retired) I am close to, probably already know but I intend to come out to them anyway. The family doesn't know and I won't tell them, but they will know.

I lost track of what the thread was about. Again, I am in no way comfortable hiding my sexuality.
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Re: Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

Postby nimby » Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:25 am

Wow. What a story. I bet you could write a book.

I came out to my wife a while ago, and it was the best thing for us. We have never been happier. Luckily she is very accepting of me AND my male lovers. Actually she has met a few and just thinks the world of them. I could not go on hiding a big part of who I am. Some of my closest friends know and are very accepting too. Everyone else is on a need to know basis.
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Re: Are you comfortable with hiding your sexuality?

Postby jabpcola » Sun Jun 24, 2012 6:59 pm

Three years ago I posted in this thread and said I was coming out soon. I lied, I haven't come out to anyone since I posted. However, less than a week ago, my 15 year-old granddaughter and I were talking about reincarnation. She had stated she believed in it. She said I would be reincarnated as a female and would probably be a lesbian. :shock: Needless to say I was shocked. There were several other people present so I pretended not to hear.

Next day she was over and I said we needed to talk. I asked why she believes I will be reincarnated as a female, and why she thinks I will be a lesbian. She said, "Papa you are more girly that I am! :oops: I know you will be a lesbian because you are gay but don't worry, I won't tell anyone." I denied being gay but she placed her finger over my lips and said, "Don't Papa. I know and you know. Nobody else needs to know, this is just between the two of us!" :D

I was humbled, embarrassed, and no way could I deny what she knew. Now I just have to hope she maintains her silence... "From the lips of babes"! :oops:
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