I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

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I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Davy » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:16 pm

Okay, I've got guy problems, big time. I know I've brought this up before but it's at a point where I really need some advice because I'm at a loss as to how to handle it. I met him a few months ago. Since then, we spend probably 99% of the time we are not sleeping or working hanging out together. I am out to him. He says he's straight but has "entertained" the idea of being gay. He says if I were a chick, he would date me. He says he doesn't care if people think we are a couple. He says he doesn't want a girlfriend. In fact, he says he threw away the phone number of an attractive girl who flirted with him. We have exchanged keys to each others' homes and vehicles. We take weekend trips together. We talk about becoming roommates at some point. We are involved in just about every aspect of each others' lives and our separate friends have become mutual friends. It would seem we are "dating" in every way except for the physical part. Yet, despite all this, he frequently mentions past girlfriends and browses the "women seeking men" section of craigslist daily. It's worth mentioning he's 24 and I'm 38.

I have considered simply walking away, but that is so much easier said than done. Regardless of how these things are resolved, I do hope we remain good friends if nothing else. But it's not as though I have a switch that I can throw to just shut my feelings off, even though I so badly wish I could.

What would you make of this and how would you handle it? I am truly at a loss.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Gaydudelaf » Thu Nov 10, 2011 8:41 pm

DON'T DO IT! Burn in your head that you will never be a couple. If it is possible, there is a 99% chance it would have happened already. IF it does happen then you can be pleasantly surprised. Protect your heart here. I have been on both sides of this coin! If you need to talk we can swap phone numbers.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby catapult » Fri Nov 11, 2011 12:29 am

Enjoy his company but know it will never come to anything more and one day he will find a girl. Not sure why he is leading you since he knows you must be having feelings. Feelings that he can't return.

We've all had crushes on straight friends. Yours is different because he knows your gay and still he keeps getting closer.

I've had some great relationships with straight friends. Some knew. Some didn't. I tried to enjoy whatever level of friendship. Why not? You just have to know it will have its limits. But why not enjoy some good times with a great friend? It can be great. Only avoid it if you can't handle the ultimate limitations that it will include.

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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby nimby » Fri Nov 11, 2011 1:36 pm

I'm going to stray from the others a bit here. I say just keep going as it is. He may yet turn and realize if he has any homosexual feelings, just don't push him, or push him away. He sounds like a great guy and you'd make a great cuople. Just be aware it may never happen. Or be aware that it might. It did for me; I was a straight guy till not too long ago. :D And the age difference is nothing. don't sweat it.

Good luck.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Davy » Fri Nov 11, 2011 3:06 pm

Thanks for the responses, both on the boards and private. You guys have no idea how much your comments help. And yes, Chip, I am very much looking forward to chatting with you.

I've been through this twice before. Many years ago, I felt this way for another straight guy. It all came out, and despite that we remain good friends to this day. Several years ago, I went through this with a gay guy. It ended very badly, and I never want to see him again. I guess being rejected by a straight guy is easier because he rejects you not because he doesn't like you but because he doesn't like guys, period. When a gay guy rejects you, it's not that he doesn't like guys, he doesn't like you. And that's much harder to take.

At the moment, I am really inclined to just see where it goes without saying anything or making any sort of move to push things to the next level. I've been exercising extreme patience here, which is something I am not used to doing. I think that approach will work fine until the day he starts dating someone other than myself. Then, I'm not sure how I could handle that-- at least if that were to happen in the immediate future. Like I said, I wish there were a switch I could throw.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby olywaguy » Fri Nov 11, 2011 4:29 pm

Looks like your friend is giving you all the signals that he wants to be involved with you. He might be afraid to make the first move, so he is telling you that he wants you to make the first move by telling you that if you were a girl he would date you. How many guys are out there who like girls that are broad shouldered with facial hair? :lol: :P

I agree with Nimby, age doesn't matter. There are a lot of young gay guys that like older men whether they be muscular or bearish or very chubby or all three. Thank goodness for these guys, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have any relationships whatsoever.

The relationship could be the best thing that ever happened to you (since you are best friends which is a real good basis for a LTR) or it could be heartbreak. But, without taking a risk, you will never know.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby catapult » Fri Nov 11, 2011 9:34 pm

Do you guys have any physical contact? Even a pat on the back or quick shoulder massage?

How does he respond to that?

Does it ever come from his side?

That's the easiest way to test it.

My buddy was cool with it, but if I kept hands on for too long, I could feel him get uncomfortable and pull back a bit. That's when I knew the limits of our relationship and it's been cool since. It's a great way to test it rather than to just try to jump his bones or kiss him.

We have buddy physical contact but that's the extent of it. Cool. We are great friends and I love him and he loves me and we do a lot together. For quite a while I fantasized that it might lead to something more, but eventually I realized he was straight for sure and I accepted that and enjoy his friendship for what it is.

GL
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Phoenix6570 » Sat Nov 12, 2011 10:04 pm

It sounds like you two have a good friendship so I wouldn't ruin it. I'm sure its difficult to do but I would try to set aside those feelings and enjoy having a great friend. Try not to think about if anything more will develop and just enjoy the time you two spend together. It won't be easy to shut out your emotions. Maybe cutting back on the time you spend together or doing more group activities once in a while will help you manage your feelings.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Schlodesss » Sun Nov 13, 2011 1:32 am

Tough, I been there too, my buddy didn't give me keys to his house or car but we spent a ton of time together, and he had never been married, no kids, never dated in the time I knew him, I was and am still sure he was gay but not willing to act on it or deal with it. I figured i'd break the ice, but just coming out, but not telling him I liked him in that way. It was the beginning of the end. Too bad I felt pretty deep for him, I couldn't help it [that's the problem we can't help who we end up feeling for] and I hoped that maybe....

To this day I don't think my suspects were wrong, but even if that was the case it drove him away. To be honest that's fine, it's easier to not see him because after a while you start to twist your insides into knots when you feel that strongly about someone and have to pretend you don't.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Davy » Thu Dec 15, 2011 4:31 pm

Update...

I've washed my hands of the situation. I opened the door and he didn't walk through. Time to move on.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby nimby » Thu Dec 15, 2011 4:56 pm

Awww. I'm sorry to hear that, but it's probably for the best. Care to elaborate a bit more? It may be helpful for a dude in the same situation.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby DeckApe » Thu Dec 15, 2011 6:57 pm

Davy--

Sorry to hear that it didn't turn out as you hoped, but at least you have an answer.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Gaydudelaf » Fri Dec 16, 2011 2:49 am

Hang in there bro! We got ya back!
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Davy » Fri Dec 16, 2011 3:49 pm

nimby wrote:Awww. I'm sorry to hear that, but it's probably for the best. Care to elaborate a bit more? It may be helpful for a dude in the same situation.


There isn't much more to elaborate on. He's in an abusive family situation and I offered him a way out. He chose to stay in the situation. End of my involvement. I should say that I haven't closed the door, so to speak, but I can't spend my life waiting for him to walk through either. My offer stands and he knows that.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby nimby » Tue Dec 20, 2011 8:14 pm

Nice. That sounds like the Davey I remember.
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby mansman » Sun Sep 22, 2013 6:41 am

Be very careful when it comes to having close relationships with straight men.

I met a guy who was about to be married ( I did not know that when I first saw him). (As he often said we met a month before he got married). Anyway we got very close. We were both studying our Masters part-time at university so would see each other 2 nights a week for 2 years ( met him in the 2nd year of my 3 year course). What was weird was we sat opposite each other for 6 weeks in class just staring at each other instead of talking. Then we had an exam and I was somehow forced (no other seats) to sit next to him. We hit it off right away. I sensed an awkward energy though when our legs touched. Soon though we had exchanged numbers and I had suggested we should go out for drinks. Luckily perhaps that never happened since I think that might have interfered with his marriage plans. I know he was really into his wife in a big way. So we went into the second year of our course sort of in a on/off mode. He would do things like offer to give the women lifts home and yet refuse to give me a lift home. It was like he was afraid to be left alone with me but happy to flirt with any and every woman.

Fast forward a few months. We were working on some group projects. He was absent a lot and we argued like a married couple. It was obvious to the rest of the group there was something between us. Then when we were about to meet for an after hours study group we did not recognise each other. We both had our haircuts real different and we were checking each other non regonising each other. He gave me a lift after for once and we got real chatty and made our peace. He asked me some questions and I hinted that I had been to gay dance parties and lots of bi guys were there. He got all intrigued and his voice went higher (sign of emotion).

Anyway fast forward on a year after I had graduated and he was finishing off his 3rd year..I made the mistake of asking him out for coffee. He made it dinner instead, plyed me with alcohol (this has been a pattern for me with so called straight guys where they have given me lots of beer or alcohol possibly to accidentally fall into a sexual situation that they can put down to alcohol). Anyway so he totally grilled me about my sexuality, asked why since we both had 3 older sisters , he wasn't gay. I said perhaps he had not met the right guy! We had a lovely evening and I got all romantic. It was not helped by the fact that he said to me suggestively I will come in next time (his pupils were like mega dilated - indicating desire!). Then unfortunately his wife had a miscarriage. He felt really bad. I felt bad and of course you leave well alone.

From this point on I continually found him hot/cold. He would act we were just casual mates in front of his mates, pay for all my drinks all night, pat the seat saying sit here. We even hugged and kissed away from his mates but we never thankfully slept together.

The years went on and he was of course married and had 4 kids. We went on to have sporadic lunchtime lunches (just the two of us). He would ask me every intimate detail about my life including my preferred sexual activities (gay). He would tell me everything about his life. All the time our relations were purely emotional, platonic, no sex involved. More recently I heard he was separated from his wife of many years, is living alone in an apartment. We ran into each other at a nightclub a few months back. We were both really pleased to see one another and did the pumping the hand handshake, I felt the same energy but we then just both walked away after the brief conversation. Something tells me things worked out the right way after all even though not forcing him out more was what I really wanted to do. Often two gay guys are looking for different things in a relationship, it is even more complex where one identifies as straight in the most part or wants to be seen as straight.


My advice is to either ask him how he really feels over time (don't leave it too long or he will think the pretend situation of keeping you and him secret is okay). At the end of the day you should not feel your relationship has to always be hidden. Just be careful and maybe play it a bit cooler/more casual., that seems to work better with straight guys too.

Good luck!
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Re: I'm "dating" a "straight" guy. Help.

Postby Saintest » Sun Jul 31, 2016 5:37 am

I agree with Nimby, age doesn't matter. There are a lot of young gay guys that like older men whether they be muscular or bearish or very chubby or all three. Thank goodness for these guys, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have any relationships whatsoever. Yeah!!!
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