Over and out?

Talk about romance and dating, or lack there of.

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Over and out?

Postby Davy » Tue May 17, 2011 6:36 pm

I was having a discussion with a friend recently and he told me about a very unfortunate dating situation that has happened to me I don't know how many times. Basically, it goes like this...

Boy meets boy
Boy and boy talk on the phone non-stop for maybe a week or two
Boy and boy go on date
Boy and boy have sex
Boy loses boy's number and never returns phone calls, emails, texts, etc. End of all communication.

Anyone have any guesses as to why this happens? My guess is that in this particular case the guy was closeted and is used to living a double life. When the two started seeing more of each other, my friend presented a threat to this guy's closeted lifestyle. The closeted guy just wanted sex and nothing more. That much is obvious. But in my own experience over the years, this sort of thing has happened to me more than a few times where we meet, we seem to really make a connection, and then all of a sudden...nothing. I honestly can't think of one time where I was the one who cut off all contact. Usually when I don't dig someone, that's made clear right from the beginning. Yes, I have been guilty of using the standard "I'm not really looking for a relationship" line (the unspoken part of that sentence being "with you"). But I've never talked about plans to see each other in the future only to turn around and stop returning calls and vanishing without a trace.

Have any of you experienced this on either side of the equation?
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Lesley R. Charles » Sun May 22, 2011 8:48 am

I will go one better. Boy and Tgirl chat. Set up date to meet, boy comes to pick up Tgirl and as soon as Tgirl answers door, told not going to work out. Hate to say it but I have found out my mother said is true, once you give a guy sex it is over. Usually, there are exceptions. I have had many a relationship end once there was sex. Maybe guys just like the challenge.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Davy » Sun May 22, 2011 3:42 pm

I agree that giving up sex too soon usually spells the end of the relationship. By the same token, waiting too long to give it up does the same thing. Who wants to date a prude in this day and age, particularly in gay society?

As far as the trans issue you raise, I think that particular situation could have been avoided by telling the potential suitor what he's getting into. I know nobody likes to have to say "Hi, I'm Jane and by the way I'm transgendered", but doing that could save "Jane" a lot of heartache (and even possible physical assault) when "John" finds out. It's somewhat like when a 300-pound woman meets a guy online but fails to mention that fact before they meet in person. Just sayin. Of course, the issue could be avoided altogether by seeking out guys who are actively looking for transgendered women. A lot of dating sites have an "M4T" option.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Lesley R. Charles » Sun May 22, 2011 7:30 pm

Davey, I always let the guy know straight out. Matter of fact it is on my profile. So that part wasn't hidden. He knew what he was getting. I just didn't like the fact that he decided I wasn't what he wanted when previously on the phone or email he said we were perfect.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby olywaguy » Sun May 22, 2011 8:43 pm

Lesley R. Charles wrote:Davey, I always let the guy know straight out. Matter of fact it is on my profile. So that part wasn't hidden. He knew what he was getting. I just didn't like the fact that he decided I wasn't what he wanted when previously on the phone or email he said we were perfect.


Men are pigs. Men are superficial.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Davy » Sun May 22, 2011 10:29 pm

Lesley R. Charles wrote:Davey, I always let the guy know straight out. Matter of fact it is on my profile. So that part wasn't hidden. He knew what he was getting. I just didn't like the fact that he decided I wasn't what he wanted when previously on the phone or email he said we were perfect.


Then I would agree that's pretty shitty of him.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Lesley R. Charles » Mon May 23, 2011 11:43 am

olywaguy wrote:
Lesley R. Charles wrote:Davey, I always let the guy know straight out. Matter of fact it is on my profile. So that part wasn't hidden. He knew what he was getting. I just didn't like the fact that he decided I wasn't what he wanted when previously on the phone or email he said we were perfect.


Men are pigs. Men are superficial.

Carlos, not all men. Just the ones I seem to attract. lol. I know a few great guys. I guess, even if I know I don't feel chemistry, I go out on the date anyway.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Davy » Mon May 23, 2011 8:05 pm

Nope. Carlos is right. Men are superficial pigs. And cynical guys such as myself seem to attract the worst of them.
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Phoenix6570 » Tue May 24, 2011 1:49 am

Guys can do some pretty terrible things at times but I don't think these traits are exclusive to men. Just as they're those bad seeds they're some good apples to be picked too. Some you just have to wait for them to fully ripen and get themselves together. Not that this excuses any rude& disrespectful behavior.

I've been in similar situations before but most times we didn't even get to the point of sex or in many cases even meeting. I don't understand why guys do this but it has happened to me on several occasions. I've talked with a guy online through emails or aim for a few weeks. We make talks of meeting and hanging out and for the most part everything is going well. Then all of a sudden the emails stop and I never hear from this person again. Its pretty upsetting when that happens but I've learned to take it in stride.

I have some idea as to why this happens though.When relationships begin online and the primary conversations take place through there I think it gives a guy an easy out. Since you're not constantly seeing each other they can easily cease all contact and never have to deal with you again. While this can happen using any outlet I think its more prevalent in online encounters. In the back of the guys mind he knows he can always just disappear if things are getting to serious or he doesn't like you like you like him, or whatever the case may be. I think some guys might get nervous or scared about what they're doing and its easier just to abandon the situation rather than face it. That leaves me to my last point and I think some men have difficulty with confrontation. They're afraid to speak whats on their mind so they use the easy out.

I think some of what I said can apply to your situation Davy. At first for some men the idea of a relationship sounds great. They meet a guy talk it up than they finally meet and start having some fun. Then the guy begins to think of the nature of a relationship and all the things he must sacrifice and that turns him off/scares him. Either way he vanishes in order to escape the situation with no consequence to himself and he can continue life as if nothing happened.
"As long as a person doesn't admit he's defeated, he is not defeated-- he's just a little behind, and isn't through fighting" ~ Darrel Royal
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Re: Over and out?

Postby Davy » Tue May 24, 2011 4:11 am

The majority of the times I have encounted the situation I described was in the days before everyone had internet service (I was married for several years followed by a long-term relationship followed by a long period of renewed virginity). Back then, it was the phone dating lines, which worked in many ways like the online dating sites. I would answer an ad or he would answer mine and all of our communication would be by phone. And more than a few times, the communication would simply cease without explanation. I think Phoenix is correct. It's easier to abandon the situation than to have to tell someone something unpleasant. I guess I just don't have any respect for anyone like that. If I cut off communication with someone, it's because I think they're a rotten person and they're going to know why I don't want anything to do with them. My last words before cutting off all contact will be something like "Don't call me, don't write me, get out of my life" and not "I had a great time and hope to get together again soon". But that's just me.
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