this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

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this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby jhonyguy04 » Sat May 08, 2010 6:32 pm

I really need advice with my situation. I didnt want to post this online, but I dont know who else to talk to. Me and my partner have been together for almost 2 years. We are 23 and 24 years old. Anyways, our relatioship has turned stale in such a short time. What I mean is that we fight a lot, even though this part has gotten better. What has not gotten better is on the sex department. And this has always been a problem in our relationship. I am a more passionate person, and I love sex. He is much less passionate about this. I think he likes shopping and sweets more than sex sometimes. My partner almost never wanted to have sex and I always had to beg for it. Well now we are having more sex, like 2 times a week, but the sex is so boring!! All we end up doing always is jerking each other off. Maybe this is ok for some people, but this doesnt satisfy me. I want so much more than that. I want kissing and cuddling and touching all over the body and more. He doesnt even like to perform oral sex on me. The only thing he likes doing is handjobs, and he likes receiving oral sex.

I have become so frustrated. I am not happy with this relationship but the thing is that I love my partner. And it also breaks my heart to leave him because I dont want him to get hurt, because I do care about his happyness. But I think about it, and sometimes I feel like I am too young to settle with this, in a relationship that does not fullfill my needs. I feel like I am gonna end up in one of those miserable marriages.Any advice will be greatly appreciated.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby nimby » Sun May 09, 2010 12:46 pm

jhonyguy04 wrote: But I think about it, and sometimes I feel like I am too young to settle with this, in a relationship that does not fullfill my needs. I feel like I am gonna end up in one of those miserable marriages.


Dude, you just answered your own question right there. Talk to him. Tell him you're not satisfied and that things have to change. In any relationship, communication is key.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby butch » Sun May 09, 2010 2:59 pm

You need to have one of those "honey... we need to talk" talks.

And the only way this situation is going to ever get better is when the two of you move out of each other's lives. Doesn't sound like it's even a "friends with benefits" possibility. So now you are in a co-dependent relationship... you are doing what it takes to keep it together. You are bound up in a relationship that isn't a relationship.

So... tell your other half you aren't happy and that you should both be making plans to separate and give your selves a bit of time, but not too long... say 3 months to work out who is moving or what.

You can't begin to heal until you take some action and you seem to have moved on past denial and anger and are working on acceptance, or change. Good luck... and stop trying to take responsibility for other people's happiness. Work on your own and the rest will take care of itself.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby DeckApe » Mon May 10, 2010 10:25 am

I'm with Butch on this. Unfortunately, it sounds like your relationship has run its course.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby Rico » Mon May 10, 2010 6:01 pm

First, totally disregard what Butch said. It's selfish bullsh*t.

The most important part of making any relationship work is discovering that the relationship you have with him is not all about you! Once you learn that, and can talk to your partner about his needs, then you might be on the path to a wonderful, long-lasting relationship. If not, then at least you tried. Stop thinking about yourself for a moment, and think about him. You might be surprised by the results.
Last edited by Rico on Mon May 10, 2010 7:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby nimby » Mon May 10, 2010 6:52 pm

butch wrote:And the only way this situation is going to ever get better is when the two of you move out of each other's lives. Doesn't sound like it's even a "friends with benefits" possibility. So now you are in a co-dependent relationship... you are doing what it takes to keep it together. You are bound up in a relationship that isn't a relationship.



Sorry Butch, but from someone who constantly says how stupid people are, and how much you hate being a part of society, are you sure you wanna be giving relationship advice? I think I'd pass on this subject if I were you.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby madsglen » Mon May 10, 2010 9:53 pm

Not so sure I'd trash Butch for sharing his honest opinion. Even though some may not always agree (and I'm sure some never do), he can always be counted upon to provide his unvarnished opinion or insight. And that's what he did. Straightforward, respectful and (no offence), mature.

Rico's got a point. Butch has a point or two. And sadly, DeckApe just may be right, too.

Two things jumped out at me during my initial read of your post, jhonyguy04. The first being "this has always been a problem in our relationship." The second being "we fight a lot, even though this part has gotten better." I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that you're sexually incompatible. That's not a judgement for me to make. But if it has been an issue or a problem in your mind from day one, then something wasn't working for the two of you right away. Fighting a lot (not just bickering) is also a sign there's work to be done because it sure sounds like neither of you is happy or content. The "Honey, we need to talk..." talk may be just a start and in a situation and environment where both of you feel you're on equal footing and able to discuss everything (including sex). How you communicate with each other is important. It's rarely ever "too late" if both want and are willing to work at things.

That's, I guess, the point I wanted to make. Both of you have to want things to get better. Both of you have to want to work it out. Both of you should be willing to compromise as appropriate so long as you both are able to be satisfied (and not just sexually) in the end. There's no such thing as a relationship that's perfect all the time. Both of you will stumble (you'll be suprised how much and how often). Sometimes one of you will have to be the "bigger man' and give in a little bit more. Sometimes the other will. But without being able to communicate (which includes really listening), figuring it all out and making decisions together will always be tough. Sex is a form of communication, too.

Take care and good luck.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby Rico » Tue May 11, 2010 8:49 am

Good points. I just thought Butch gave some pretty bad advice to jhonyguy04 who said in his original post that he still loves the guy, and hinted that he might not be ready to walk away just yet. I'd be interested in knowing what attempts at open and honest communication have already been made. But opening with "And the only way this situation is going to ever get better is when the two of you move out of each other's lives." seemed to me rather audacious and not really helpful.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby jhonyguy04 » Tue May 11, 2010 9:30 am

I will to one more time talk to my partner. We have tried to talk before, but I guess I wasent serious enough or straightfoward enough. I just simplly hinted or said something here and there, but never set him aside for a disscussion. I will talk to him in the weekend, and see if he actually listens and puts an effort in his part. That way I know if he is putting any effort in the relationship and its just not me. :?
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby jhonyguy04 » Tue May 11, 2010 9:30 am

And I also want to thank for all of you who have given me advice. I really appreciate it.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby Earl Butz » Thu May 13, 2010 6:24 am

I never post on advice to the lovelorn threads. I'm the Sergeant Schultz of relationships: "I know nothing! Nothing!" :P
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby nimby » Fri May 14, 2010 9:14 am

jhonyguy04 wrote:I will to one more time talk to my partner. We have tried to talk before, but I guess I wasent serious enough or straightfoward enough. I just simplly hinted or said something here and there, but never set him aside for a disscussion. I will talk to him in the weekend, and see if he actually listens and puts an effort in his part. That way I know if he is putting any effort in the relationship and its just not me. :?

Just if you care for him. try to talk it out. Too many people are too quick to throw in the towell before giving it their all.

As the saying goes, "A hard man is good to find." or something like that. :D
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby Rico » Fri May 14, 2010 5:53 pm

jhonyguy04 wrote:I will to one more time talk to my partner. We have tried to talk before, but I guess I wasent serious enough or straightfoward enough. I just simplly hinted or said something here and there, but never set him aside for a disscussion. I will talk to him in the weekend, and see if he actually listens and puts an effort in his part. That way I know if he is putting any effort in the relationship and its just not me. :?

I wish you well. Personally, I've learned the hard way about being too subtle when it comes to communicating openly and honestly with a partner. I'm still learning. Hell, even after more than 27 years with the same guy, communication is still a challenge sometimes. It never gets too easy. Everyone has to work on it. That's part of the fun. And even if it turns out badly, don't dwell on it longer than you must. Move on with the rest of your life. You'll be fine.

Please let us know how it turns out for you.

All the best,
Rico
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby CollegePepper » Sun May 23, 2010 1:45 am

Rico wrote:
jhonyguy04 wrote:I will to one more time talk to my partner. We have tried to talk before, but I guess I wasent serious enough or straightfoward enough. I just simplly hinted or said something here and there, but never set him aside for a disscussion. I will talk to him in the weekend, and see if he actually listens and puts an effort in his part. That way I know if he is putting any effort in the relationship and its just not me. :?

I wish you well. Personally, I've learned the hard way about being too subtle when it comes to communicating openly and honestly with a partner. I'm still learning. Hell, even after more than 27 years with the same guy, communication is still a challenge sometimes. It never gets too easy. Everyone has to work on it. That's part of the fun. And even if it turns out badly, don't dwell on it longer than you must. Move on with the rest of your life. You'll be fine.

Please let us know how it turns out for you.

All the best,
Rico


I guess i have been away for too long but didn't you have a pic up of a young guy some time back? And i thought that was you. I guess not.

Anyway to the OP, yes definitely talk to your partner.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby nimby » Sun May 23, 2010 7:34 pm

CollegePepper wrote:I guess i have been away for too long but didn't you have a pic up of a young guy some time back? And i thought that was you. I guess not.

Ouch!! That's cold. LOL!!! Young/old is all relative.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby jhonyguy04 » Fri May 28, 2010 4:59 am

well here an update. i have talked to my partner and things have gotten better. so communication is definately the key. thanks for all the advice again.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby furface » Fri May 28, 2010 3:27 pm

Good! Now - keep talkin' as it are a on-goin' thing just like y'all becomin' the best damn man ya can. Be happy, healthy, and fully growed, and know it takes a whole heap o' work.
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby Rico » Fri May 28, 2010 6:01 pm

jhonyguy04 wrote:well here an update. i have talked to my partner and things have gotten better. so communication is definately the key. thanks for all the advice again.

I'm happy for you. If you both keep talking, then after a while you'll know whether you and this guy can make a go of it. You'll have to give up on some things that are important to you, and so will he. But if there ever comes a time when you're doing all the giving, and he's doing all the taking, then that's a signal it's time to move on. Until then consider it an adventure.

All the best,
Rico
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Re: this is embarrasing (my sex life sucks)

Postby DeckApe » Fri May 28, 2010 7:33 pm

jhonyguy04 wrote:well here an update. i have talked to my partner and things have gotten better. so communication is definately the key. thanks for all the advice again.


Hey Jhonyguy--glad I was wrong. I should have known better... and yes, communication is the key.
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