Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Talk about romance and dating, or lack there of.

Moderators: selective_soldier, olywaguy, solat

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:36 am

In my experience, there are some monogamous relationships out there, but that doesn't mean those relationships last forever.

When I met my boyfriend of 18 years (he died) I was 32 and he was 21. He was new to it all (very shy). I asked him to be my boyfriend the very first night we were together (it was instant love for me). I told him the rules and the main rule was that I knew he would likely get it on with another guy, sooner or later, but the rule was "we always slept together at night, no exceptions" and he agreed to the rule.

So... we both strayed from time to time, but we always slept together at night.

I don't think forcing monogamy on anyone will work. It leads to betrayal. Better to be realistic. Most fall in lust and when the shine wears off, it's like the party after the "night before" and one may well be asking oneself "what was I thinking?". Happily ever after is for fairy tales and people who believe in "perfect" relationships are not a good choice as mates. Couples must learn to agree to disagree and be happy with that.

It's why I recommend any couple thinking of making a relationship more permanent go on a trip together. If you don't hate each other after the trip, the relationship might actually work. People should date for a while before committing to living together.
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby Earl Butz » Mon Dec 14, 2009 7:02 am

I think men are just that way. Gay or straight. eg. Tiger Woods! :P

Straight guys have more incentive when there's children involved.
A hard man is good to find!
User avatar
Earl Butz
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 1370
Joined: Sun Oct 17, 2004 12:51 am
Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby Daknee » Mon Dec 14, 2009 5:28 pm

BurgosPRman wrote:I'm just appalled by the sheer number of gay couples and men I see who don't feel there's anything wrong with sharing their partners, having threesomes, participating in orgies, etc. Younger gay men come out of the closet, and they kinda learn that being promiscuous and a libertine is what gay men are supposed to be, and they see it as the only option thanks to a culture that perpetuates and glorifies the whole "stud " thing. Why can't we try to mentor the younger gays and at least let them know that there are options, that to be a cool gay man, you don't have to be in open relationships, have sex with whomever strikes your fancy at the drop of a hat, or swing. And the worst thing is that if you are a decent gay guy with morals, you are made fun of for being "lame" or for "not getting any"

Are there still any monogamous gay men? Are there any gay couples that are devoted to each other in soul AND body?


I know what your saying exactly! I do know there are those like myself who feel as you do. I also believe we can not be a minority yet it really feels that way. The only thing I do is continue living my life sexually as I see fit for me in hopes that the man that thinks as I do comes along. Very much like dating in general it is important to do things that interest your self in order to find others that like the same thing. You know thing like sports, movies, or what ever interests you.

Please world don't prove me wrong!
The Mind Is The Greatest Vessel!
User avatar
Daknee
Member
 
Posts: 317
Joined: Mon Jul 30, 2007 10:56 am
Location: Phoenix

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Mon Dec 14, 2009 6:51 pm

And that is a phenomenon that I only see in gay men, especially older gay men. Then they pass on those cynical views to the young ones, and the young ones in turn decide that since they aren't gonna fin a "happily ever after" anyway,what's the point of cultivating deep-lasting bonds anyway?


Methinks you are living in a fantasy world. The very notion that older gay men are passing on anything (except craps or STD's) to younger gay persons is anecdotal hearsay. It is an idea you seem to have with no basis in reality. Where on Earth did you come up with these ideas?

Your problem is you are unhappy and are looking for an excuse to blame your basic unhappiness on something... anything.

This is a kind of co-dependent reaction... not accepting life for what it is. Life is difficult. The rules aren't written in black and white, it's all a fog of grey which you must navigate carefully. Idealists are always unhappy people who will never find actual happiness... a perfect world that fits your definitions does not exist. Get used to it and try to find small happiness in each passing day. There are, obviously, some people who believe in monogamy. Look for them, you might get lucky. But don't blame others for your high ideals not being met. I strongly suspect you've been dumped... more than once. Maybe it's you. You are probably a very demanding person who wants to control everything about your partner. You want them to be the "perfect" lover you have in mind. Just a suspicion I have.

Humans are animals... by definition and fact. Our genes have very little variance with other mammals, we are 99% the same. Your genes have little variation from an elephant. Males in most species have sex with many, many females. Monogamy is not that common so any attempt by humans to defy that is a self-imposed moral decision. Does it make one a better person? I have no idea and would not presume to speculate on such a complex problem.

And people change. One partner may mature intellectually and emotionally, while the other remains stuck in an immature rut. Should the partners remain together? Why? Maybe if children were involved, but would that actually be GOOD for the children, or BAD?

I say, stop bitching and just be yourself and maybe look for another man outside the bar scene... which is, by nature, a place geared towards sexual encounters, not romance.

Your standards are high, but they are YOUR STANDARDS. It is not written that others must have the same standards. And not many gay men want to have kids... not that they aren't out there, but that is not the norm.

P.S. Lots of people read this board, but not many post answers... they're a very shy lot that come here. Me? I'm a motor-mouth by nature.

Good luck, you're going to need it.
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby Rico » Mon Dec 14, 2009 7:21 pm

As a man who has been in a monogamous relationship with the same partner for about 27 years, of course monogamy is possible in gay relationships. I abhor the stereotype that gay men are by nature promiscuous. My partner and I have always avoided casual or recreational sex outside the relationship.

But it's important to recognize that there's another situation that sometimes develops with an otherwise monogamous couple. It's called polyamory. It's responsible, ethical and intentional non-monogamy. It's the nonpossessive, honest, and responsible practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Sometimes sex is involved, and sometimes it's not. Polyamory is characterized by an affectionate bond which a person has with another person or group of persons. And it's a miracle when it happens.
In the Beginning there was nothing, and God said: 'Let there be Light." There was still nothing, but you could see it.
User avatar
Rico
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 1040
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2004 8:20 pm
Location: Baltimore-Washington

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Mon Dec 14, 2009 8:11 pm

Rico wrote:As a man who has been in a monogamous relationship with the same partner for about 27 years, of course monogamy is possible in gay relationships. I abhor the stereotype that gay men are by nature promiscuous. My partner and I have always avoided casual or recreational sex outside the relationship.

But it's important to recognize that there's another situation that sometimes develops with an otherwise monogamous couple. It's called polyamory. It's responsible, ethical and intentional non-monogamy. It's the nonpossessive, honest, and responsible practice of loving multiple people simultaneously. Sometimes sex is involved, and sometimes it's not. Polyamory is characterized by an affectionate bond which a person has with another person or group of persons. And it's a miracle when it happens.


That is, more or less, what I was talking about in my first post on this subject... my boyfriend and I were not promiscuous, but sometimes other males entered our lives and it was no big deal most of the time. I was just sex, not any serious challenge to our relationship. And we both liked young guys, so sometimes a younger guy just coming out would come visit us... usually for sex. We shared some of these guys. It was hardly a huge sex orgy or anything of that sort.

P.S. Try posting on http://gay.com for your city and mention in your profile you are looking for a monogamous relationship. Who knows?
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby ispeaktexan » Mon Dec 14, 2009 8:31 pm

butch wrote:
And that is a phenomenon that I only see in gay men, especially older gay men. Then they pass on those cynical views to the young ones, and the young ones in turn decide that since they aren't gonna fin a "happily ever after" anyway,what's the point of cultivating deep-lasting bonds anyway?


Methinks you are living in a fantasy world. The very notion that older gay men are passing on anything (except craps or STD's) to younger gay persons is anecdotal hearsay. It is an idea you seem to have with no basis in reality. Where on Earth did you come up with these ideas?


Sorry to tell you butch, but you are wrong, or at least from what I have noticed in my area.
As a person who has observed many of the younger gays go from being 'in the closet' to coming out, there is in fact a difference. Many of the ones i am friends with, did believe in monogamy at one moment. After they come out they make friends with the older generations of gay men and learn from them. They observe them to learn what is, and what isn't acceptable. I wonder why many people change their views, and i notice it occurs because they start hanging around with someone with different beliefs, and soon find it to be more acceptable, and soon enough they just don't care anymore they become convinced.
I also notice many of the younger gays feel that there is a distinct gay lifestyle and if they don't fit it they can't consider themselves gay. So conformity is a constant. Again where do they generate these thoughts? From observing the other gay men around them. It isn't so much that they pass it on, but they do in fact learn from the older generations.
I believe the same thing i wish there could be more monogamous men.
I really don't see it as being too much of a problem to be committed to a one person relationship, but what do i know, I am apparently a minority.
Its pretty sad, but there isn't much to do about it.
ispeaktexan
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 723
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:04 pm

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby nimby » Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:48 pm

I think monogomy is a state created by the church to create sin, guilt and obedience to their doctorines. I believe that we as humans are capable of loving more than just one person at a time. There is a huge difference between love and sex. And once you learn that difference, attitudes and morals can change.
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
User avatar
nimby
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 2906
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 3:35 pm
Location: Toronto, ON

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby ispeaktexan » Mon Dec 14, 2009 10:05 pm

nimby wrote:I think monogomy is a state created by the church to create sin, guilt and obedience to their doctorines. I believe that we as humans are capable of loving more than just one person at a time. There is a huge difference between love and sex. And once you learn that difference, attitudes and morals can change.


Well it stands at a question of viewpoint. This is obviously too relative of a topic to discuss and come across a defined answer.
As different people we stand with different needs...
ispeaktexan
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 723
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:04 pm

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby rob650 » Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:24 am

BurgosPRman, I think its got a lot do with age, and what type of crowd you build your social groups with.

I met my BF at 29. We're at 10 years now and looking forward to more. I am insanely grateful I didn't meet him earlier in my twenties - I was in full throttle "If it moves, f*ck it" mode. I wouldn't have bothered to look beyond his surface had we met when I was 20 or 25. WAY too immature to make a commitment and understand and accept what it means.

I see your point of younger gays not even thinking gay monogamy is realistic, possible, or achievable, but there isn't much in the bar/club scene that promotes these ideas. And this is the place most guys get their first exposure to the gay lifestyle (sorry I hate that terminology but can't think of a better one right now).

I've seen older gay men push some of the attitudes you mentioned, but I think it comes back again to their involvement in the bar/club scene.

Earl is right, a lot of guys are just wired up like this. Nailed plenty of straight married dudes, their attitude was "we'll you're another man so it doesn't count"...dang.

I don't accept "happily ever after" fantasy - it implies that you can just take your foot off the gas and coast along, because it's "meant to be". Nothing of value comes without a little struggle.
Too much noise, not enough signal...
rob650
Newbie
 
Posts: 48
Joined: Sat May 14, 2005 11:31 pm
Location: san francisco, Ca.

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Tue Dec 15, 2009 2:49 am

If I'm alone it's because I don't much relate to gay men, in general. In fact, I don't much relate to most people as regards "friendships" etc. Most people are just too immature, lack worldly experience (I've really done a lot in my life), and are just too, too ignorant for me to relate to.

And I'd like to remind everyone, I was in a relationship for 18 years. We'd still be together, I believe, but he died. I don't know how to raise the dead and there was no cocktail for AIDS back then. He died a few years too soon to be saved.

After my boyfriend died, I did continue a relationship for 10 years with a fairly straight guy, but he really did prefer women and he moved to New York to become a photographer, and I moved to Vancouver to retire. I seem to get along just fine with straight guys, it's the gay men I often find tedious. Most gay men are just "too gay" for me. Things like leather etc. I absolutely don't understand... I'd be running the other way. And flamboyant behavior I can't relate to at all. I've met very few gay men I could even remotely consider "relationship" material... almost none. My boyfriend was an exception, but he had no exposure to "gay" culture when I met him and once he met me he moved right in with me. I was 32, he was 21.

I have no interest in the bar scene, never did... now I'm older, and don't drink or smoke. I'm not well, physically, any more. I survive each day with pain killers. It's not fun. (I have severe arthritis... I played a lot of hockey into my 50's). But my point is, I was in a long term mostly monogamous relationship which ended because my boyfriend died.

And I've always preferred young guys... it's just the way I am and I feel no need to justify my likes nor dislikes that way. And I don't pay for sex. For some strange reason, I've never understood, young guys have been attracted to me my entire life and I've never had any difficulty meeting guys or having sex... lots of it. I guess I'm what most would have called a pretty attractive guy most of my life. Fortunate for me, I guess. Never had to chase anyone... they chased me.

Here is a photo of me and some friends... I'm the guy in the middle at the back with the white T with the spots (it's a dog)... I'm about 45 years old here...

It was the final meeting of "The Body Politic" for whom I did a lot of photography... Pink Triangle Press who publish Xtra Magazine.
I'm such a good photographer, I took this photo for them and knew how to get myself into it too.

Image
I lifted this image from another site... here is part of the caption with the photo (I didn't write the caption):

For all the smiles, this was a sad meeting: a month later to the day we'd declare The Body Politic defunct. My best moments came watching hunky David Blair (later known as David Silvercloud) sprint from behind his camera to behind the group -- 12 times.


The point is, gay men seem to have considered me a "hunk" so picking up guys was easy.
I'm 65 now and quite reclusive. I've reached "male menopause" (the weenie just don't work well any more)
but guys still chased me into my early 60's. Go figure.
If you're not from Canada and don't know what XTRA is, click here http://xtra.ca





:D :D :D
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Tue Dec 15, 2009 5:06 pm

I'm not even remotely lonely. I'm used to being alone. I've always been a loner. In school I was always the smartest kid in school and a nerd. I kept to myself as a very young person, and nothing much has changed. I've always considered most people to be idiots so I just do my own thing.

I was fortunate to meet an extremely intelligent, exceptionally creative, very, very attractive young man who seemed to like me and we had a relationship until he died. There was no "wild sex" and most of it, outside of my boyfriend, was guys just coming out, or straight guys looking for something different.

I can't stand the idiot morons who conclude that having a relationship with a straight guy makes the straight guy gay... if he was "bi" I didn't give a damn. He, the straight guy, was an 18 year old street kid with potential when I met him... I was 43 (like I said, young guys seem to have always been attracted to me, my age was never a problem). He is now a successful (40 year old) New York photographer. Did I mention, enough times, that I was a photographer... published in 5 countries? For reasons I don't understand, my photography rubbed off on him. I'm proud of him and his achievements. If you don't have brains and exceptional desire to get somewhere in life, I don't much have time to waste on you or anyone else who has nothing better to do than find fault in everything.

You've got problems. Only you can help yourself. If you think I'm mean... I am. I have no time for losers.

You have to be smart, and have exceptional drive to be someone in life, to keep my company. I've never been a socializing person. My boyfriend was all the company I needed. I was a very busy person and there were lots of people in my life... none of whom I socialized with. They just weren't smart enough or seemed too immature for me to waste any time with.

Like I said, if I seem mean... I am. No time for losers. If you aren't what most call a type A personality, I haven't time for you. In my life, losing is not an option.

You seem to have started this thread to bitch and moan about a lack of monogamy minded gay men. If you have half a brain, you will see that it is just a misplaced opinion you have developed to compensate for your lack of a committed mate. There are plenty of gay men who are monogamy minded. You haven't found one yet. Like I said... maybe it's you. You have an innate desire to dump on things. It's your character. It would be hard to live with, so it's no wonder you are still alone. Me, I like to look for the positive things in life, positive people with positive ideas.

And me? Yes I'm hard to live with. You have to be very special to be with me. For starters you have to be a creative type of person with exceptional drive in life, and a socially responsible person. A person committed to changing the world.

Google my name... david silvercloud.

Oh... you aren't listed on google? Gee, too bad. You aren't in the race yet, I presume. The race of life, that is. It's a short one. No time for losers.
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby butch » Tue Dec 15, 2009 11:56 pm

Mom used to tell me "you can't reason with crazy people".

Edited by Administrator for compliance with TOS/R&R

Mom was right, methinks. One can't reason with boneheads. And people wonder why I'm a recluse and have no desire of company for company's sake.

If only there was a simple way to tell people how frustrating it is, for me, to be among idiots. There's no explaining it to average folk. Oh well... I do occasionally get to talk to people who know a proton from a photon, or the relationship of f stops, or know a hue from a shade... the kinds of things I'm into. I don't miss being around morons at all. I'm quite a happy human doing my thing, which is spending a lot of time on my painting just now. I'm about to buy a keyboard and teach myself to play, and I have another book I want to find time to write (the last one took 6 years and thousands of hours of time I don't have just now). So no more chat to the delusional on this thread. Bye.

Back to painting... I was taking a break, also watching "So you think you can dance". Russel is such a good dancer. Reminded me to do some exercises to keep the Christmas calories at bay.
"You know it's going to be bad, but you just can't prepare yourself" ... Homer Simpson
Website: http://ButchBoard.com
Image
I'm ready... are you?
User avatar
butch
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 569
Joined: Mon Feb 09, 2009 10:15 pm
Location: Vancouver, Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 8:02 am

I'd love to weigh in on this topic. I, like you, want to find someone who believes in monogamy and commitment. I am from the Vancouver area and know of several committed gay couples. Actually, it seems most of the gay couples I've been meeting lately are married. Rick and George, Erik and Andrew, Nick and Ryan. From what I know, they don't condone cheating.

I think the answers you get are dependent on the type of lifestyle one leads. I don't generally go out to the bars. The couples I've met are ones I've met while living my life and more recently, when out walking the dog. However, I also know of gay couples who are in open relationships or who "play together". One gay couple even went as far as to generalize that gay couples who have been together for longer than 6 years are likely getting some on the side. I found that to be a very depressing comment and thankfully, untrue.

I see people saying that monogamy is an unrealistic expectation, that it's unnatural for me to be monogamous, that without children, gay men are free to create our own rules, and that monogamy was created to keep us in line. In my opinion, these are all just excuses and I say bullshit. To me, if you truly love someone, making a commitment to him means just that. It's building trust and it's respecting each other enough to not sleep around. Giving each other permission to have sex with others may be okay for some couples but that is not the kind of relationship I'm looking for. If a guy decides to cheat on his partner, then it's up to the partner to decide whether or not it's acceptable. For me, it wouldn't be.

It's about what you value and I know I'm not the only one who values commitment and monogamy. Does this make it harder for me to find a partner? Probably. Not because most gay men can't be faithful but because the other gay men who think like we do are not out at the bars trying to pick up. They're not overly concerned with their appearance 100% of the time. They're not your stereotype and they generally stay away from the "scene" because they either don't relate or don't want to be associated with the stereotype.

Keep the faith. We're not alone.
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby nimby » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:55 am

Just to state the obvious, monogomy, or lack there of, is not inheritedly a gay issue. It is a human nature issue. If you think that heteros, parents, and married couples don't have affairs, either physical, emotional, or otherwise, you are sadly mistaken. At last count, 75% of all men and 65% of all women have had affairs.

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/ ... stats.html

I still believe that it is unrealistic to have just one person fulfill all your physical and emotonal needs. And I think it is rather unfair to expect them to. Just my two cents.
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
User avatar
nimby
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 2906
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 3:35 pm
Location: Toronto, ON

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby nimby » Thu Dec 17, 2009 1:18 pm

BurgosPRman wrote:Nimby, are you partnered? Would you honestly say that you would be ok if he fucked around on you? Would it be ok if he brought others home?


Yes, I am partnered. And I believe that there are many different types of relationships that suit many different types of situations. If monogomy is for you, so be it and good luck, but others have different requirements that make them and their partners happy. And that is good for them. I don't judge others for what they do in or out of their bedrooms. But you, my friend, be very careful lest you be judged for your lifestyle choices. It wasn't that long ago that gay men were judged for who they slept with, let alone how many.
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
User avatar
nimby
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 2906
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 3:35 pm
Location: Toronto, ON

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:39 pm

nimby wrote:Just to state the obvious, monogomy, or lack there of, is not inheritedly a gay issue. It is a human nature issue. If you think that heteros, parents, and married couples don't have affairs, either physical, emotional, or otherwise, you are sadly mistaken. At last count, 75% of all men and 65% of all women have had affairs.

http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/ ... stats.html

I still believe that it is unrealistic to have just one person fulfill all your physical and emotonal needs. And I think it is rather unfair to expect them to. Just my two cents.


The only thing I would add to your comments is that your sentiments express how you look at things. Yes, for some people, it is unrealistic and this is how you choose to conduct your life. However, human beings are not just animals following our innate instincts. We are sentient beings with the capacity to think beyond ourselves, to evaluate consequences and to make choices based on beliefs and values rather than biological imperative.

For some people, an open relationship is the logical way of doing things. For others, it is not. What is right for you is not necessarily what is right for me. I think BurgosPRman made a very good point when he brought up that the acceptance of having multiple partners while still being in a relationship is being taught to younger homosexual men. To a large extent, I would have to agree. It's a big part of gay culture and how many gay men choose to live their lives. Having said that, there are other gay men who value the intimacy of making a commitment to a single person, to develop the trust and respect it can afford. Some of us want and value this. Is it harder? Probably. Is it right for everyone. No. Does it exist? Most definitely. Is it natural? For some, it is.

Finally, it seems the guys who think as I do just run in different circles. For me, I had a very difficult time dealing with my homosexuality largely because I didn't want to stigma attached to it. I knew who I was and what I saw in the gay community was not me. I felt (and still largely do) like an outsider, not completely fitting in with either the straight or the gay community. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who don't give a sh*t what my sexual preference is and I am not identified according to who I sleep with.

I find myself on StraightActing.com because I feel like I'm exactly what this site was built for. I am a gay man who even other gay men assume is straight. I've been going out to the dog park or for walks with my gay friends and other gay men assume I'm the straight friend tagging along. In some ways, I find it amusing, albeit extremely frustrating. I am who I am. One thing I know is I'm not a cliche and I do not fit the stereotype that is associated with the "typical" gay man. And I know there are others like me out there... ones who even value monogamy.

I recall being in San Francisco at a bar socializing. This extremely hot, tall, dark and handsome guy walked in with some women. I said to the people I was hanging out with that this was typical... if I notice a guy, he's gonna be straight. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that not only was he was gay, he was also in a committed monogamous relationship. Apparently, he was not the type to sleep around. The most gorgeous guy in the bar, a guy who could have any man he wanted (or woman for that matter), was into monogamy.
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby nimby » Thu Dec 17, 2009 5:58 pm

One question then. What is a "typical" gay man?
"Why do we have asteroids in the hemisphere and hemmorroids in the a$$ ? "
User avatar
nimby
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 2906
Joined: Thu May 08, 2008 3:35 pm
Location: Toronto, ON

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby Rico » Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:12 pm

What could have been a worthwhile discussion about monogomy and human behavior has now become ugly, tired, and tedious. I expect the mods to shut down this thread in minutes. How unfortunate!

Too many people like this poor guy:

Image
In the Beginning there was nothing, and God said: 'Let there be Light." There was still nothing, but you could see it.
User avatar
Rico
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 1040
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2004 8:20 pm
Location: Baltimore-Washington

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby ispeaktexan » Thu Dec 17, 2009 7:15 pm

Rico wrote:What could have been a worthwhile discussion about monogomy and human behavior has now become ugly, tired, and tedious. I expect the mods to shut down this thread in minutes. How unfortunate!

Too many people like this poor guy:


Oh that picture is hilarious!
I've seen it before somewhere.

...That's how i imagine all the people who get on fights over youtube comments.
ispeaktexan
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 723
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 2:04 pm

going downhill

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:19 pm

Sorry, I thought I was contributing to a worthwhile discussion. It seems this topic has been reduced to a boxing match (or more accurately, a cat fight). Please just agree to disagree and move on.

To answer Nimby's question though, to clarify, when I say "typical," I'm really saying "stereotypical".
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:28 pm

BurgosPRman wrote:Be patient, buddy. We do exist, and as you have seen, we are immediately antagonized by whomever thinks we are "unrealistic, insecure" etc. and hey, God forbid we express opinions and we talk about our morals, because we might feel the wrath of those who think differently.

You will find your soulmate, it will happen. Just hold on to your values, and wield them like a badge of honor (just like others flaunt their "free-thinking" with pride)


Actually, I'm not worried. I originally posted because your original question conveyed frustration and I wanted to say to you that you're not alone. I'm happy to debate the issue if that's what people want to do but name calling and hostility is not what I'm looking for. I have an opinion about the ongoing discussion but will not weigh in on it because it is pointless. I do get frustrated with the attitude of some gay men that monogamy is not the norm in gay culture but I simply agree to disagree. What works for them does not work for me. I'm not insecure about it, nor do I find it unrealistic. If others choose to tell me otherwise, well, that's their opinion. For me and for what I'm looking for, being in an open relationship or one where "playing on the side" is okay - that would be a compromise and contrary to my value system. I won't impose my beliefs on others. I'm just here to say that there are other gay men who want the same thing that I do and it is worth the effort/wait to find them.
Last edited by canucklehead on Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby Rico » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:32 pm

Getting back to the topic and begging others [you know who you are] to take your personal clusterf*ck elsewhere, there's research [yea, stuff based on measurable data and not some fantasy picture in your mind] out there if you're willing to take the time to do the research.

Sure, absolute and total lifetime monogamy may be an ideal, and is achieved by many, but when you look at actual human behavior as nimby did (i.e. what people actually do, and not necessarily what they think they should do) a large number of individuals (both gay and straight and in between) in relationships are non-monogamous. Why? There are no easy answers, but it's worthy of discussion.

Some therapists dealing with long-term relationships have discovered that a form of 'modified monogamy" is an effective way that many long-term partnerships (both gay and straight) can continue to flourish, even though they don't match the forever-after ideal.

What puzzles me is why this is just a gay issue at all? Even though gay rates of nonmonogamy have always been higher than straight rates of nonmonogamy, the gap is closing. Seems to me nonmonogamy is more a human phenomenon than a gay one.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/60-second-science/post.cfm?id=monogamy-is-all-the-rage-these-days-2009-08-07
In the Beginning there was nothing, and God said: 'Let there be Light." There was still nothing, but you could see it.
User avatar
Rico
Veteran Member
 
Posts: 1040
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2004 8:20 pm
Location: Baltimore-Washington

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:53 pm

Rico wrote:Getting back to the topic and begging others [you know who you are] to take your personal clusterf*ck elsewhere, there's research [yea, stuff based on measurable data and not some fantasy picture in your mind] out there if you're willing to take the time to do the research.

Sure, absolute and total lifetime monogamy may be an ideal, and is achieved by many, but when you look at actual human behavior as nimby did (i.e. what people actually do, and not necessarily what they think they should do) a large number of individuals (both gay and straight and in between) in relationships are non-monogamous. Why? There are no easy answers, but it's worthy of discussion.

Some therapists dealing with long-term relationships have discovered that a form of 'modified monogamy" is an effective way that many long-term partnerships (both gay and straight) can continue to flourish, even though they don't match the forever-after ideal.

What puzzles me is why this is just a gay issue at all? Even though gay rates of nonmonogamy have always been higher than straight rates of nonmonogamy, the gap is closing. Seems to me nonmonogamy is more a human phenomenon than a gay one.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/60-second-science/post.cfm?id=monogamy-is-all-the-rage-these-days-2009-08-07


You are correct, of course. It not so much that more homosexual men practice or want to practice non-monogamy. It's just that gay men are more open about it and are more willing to openly discuss it. For those gay men like me who want a monogamous relationship, it makes it frustrating because it appears to be the norm. The fact is, as I said before, the gay men who pursue monogamy tend to run in different circles and are less visible and less vocal. Let's look at pride parades for example. How many of you feel that the people in the parade represent your lifestyle? On this board, I suspect it's a relatively low percentage. Yet, those are the gay men who are getting the attention/traction in the public's eye. I have heard gay men say they refuse to attend pride parades or events because they do not feel the message of the parade represents them. Some go as far as to say pride parades are now doing more damage than good, because the typical flamboyancy of the parades does not represent the straight-acting (or should I say, masculine) portion of the community.

But back to your post, it's about what works for you that matters. If you are able to be in an open relationship and that is what you want, then go for it. What is normal for you might not be normal for me, which is an argument I would personally use on any heterosexual who doesn't "get" why a man would want to be with another man.
Last edited by canucklehead on Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Re: Are there any monogamous men/couples out there? (Seriously)

Postby canucklehead » Thu Dec 17, 2009 9:59 pm

BurgosPRman wrote:Heck, I have heard cynical gay men say "monogamy is for straights"


Be careful in your wording. Just because someone isn't seeking to be monogamous doesn't make him cynical. This is where you're getting into trouble with people like Butch. To you they're "settling" for less than a commitment. To them, you're settling by limiting yourself to one person. You're not going to get a consensus here.
Last edited by canucklehead on Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
User avatar
canucklehead
Newbie
 
Posts: 31
Joined: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:37 am
Location: Vancouver, BC Canada

Next

Return to Dating, Commitment and Romance

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron