Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

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Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

Postby karlbonner1982 » Thu Mar 19, 2009 3:16 pm

I'd like to hear others' experiences with crushes on men they knew were hetero. It has happened twice with me, partly because I have trouble finding gay dudes that turn me on.
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Postby CollegePepper » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:15 pm

Its happened with me far more often than I'd like to admit.

But i think its very natural for all of us being that there are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO many hot straight men out there.

But i think the crushes were exacerbated by them to an extent. I tend to attract the type of straight guys that like to "pretend" to be gay from time to time - almost frequently.

This is very common on straights anyway, you see it in locker rooms all the time. But when a straight guy acts like that frequently around a friend he doesn't know is gay (And who has a crush on him), then some funny feelings can emerge LOL

I enjoy the free gropes though
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Postby JakeMIke » Fri Mar 20, 2009 7:18 am

I hate that straight crushes happen, because it always ends badly, or doesn't end at all.
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Postby michaelk69 » Fri Mar 20, 2009 2:08 pm

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Postby olywaguy » Fri Mar 20, 2009 9:36 pm

michaelk69 wrote:
JakeMIke wrote:I hate that straight crushes happen, because it always ends badly, or doesn't end at all.


So true. And is there a gay man out there who HASN'T had a crush on a straight friend / classmate / neighbor / co-worker at some point??

It seems (to me) almost like a universal thing, especially when growing up . ..


So what straight guy have you had a crush on Michael...details please...details.
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Postby michaelk69 » Sat Mar 21, 2009 2:25 am

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Postby CollegePepper » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:34 am

olywaguy wrote:
michaelk69 wrote:
JakeMIke wrote:I hate that straight crushes happen, because it always ends badly, or doesn't end at all.


So true. And is there a gay man out there who HASN'T had a crush on a straight friend / classmate / neighbor / co-worker at some point??

It seems (to me) almost like a universal thing, especially when growing up . ..


So what straight guy have you had a crush on Michael...details please...details.


We can't let you get away with that Mr. Moderator! You have to share a story too :) :)
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Postby CollegePepper » Sat Mar 21, 2009 3:36 am

michaelk69 wrote:heh hehe, oh, jeez, so many over the years - but especially from the ages of 15 - 20 . . . and most notably on my best friend from childhood.

We grew up together, and I was totally and completely smitten with him for years and years. Like a lot of straight boys, though, he was completely clueless at the time . .. and never *could* understand why I hated all of his girlfriends, lol . . . but I think they he can see it all clearly now, looking back with hindsight. At the time, I think he just liked the attention.

Anyway, he is now happily married and so am i, so all's well that ends well, lol . . .


I find it interesting you said he crushes were mostly in your teen years.

Do you find that, in general, straight guy crushes happen less frequently as one ages?

I am hoping such is the case! lol
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Postby michaelk69 » Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:00 am

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Postby doctor dan » Sat Mar 21, 2009 1:20 pm

michaelk69 wrote:Well, I can only speak from my personal experience, but I'd say yes, definitely - for me, these straight-guy crushes happened much more often when I was younger.


the maturity clock starts ticking once you come out. i think that allowing straight crushes to develop has more to do with one's maturity as an out, gay man than his age. the longer you're out, the less likely, in my opinion, you are to let crushes on unavailable guys -- straight or otherwise -- develop.

i've known lots of emotionally immature gay guys -- in their teens, as well as in their 30's -- with heart-breaking, irrational crushes on guys that are just not available! what they have had in common is their recent out-of-the-closetness, not their age. especially among the older guys who recently come out there is an eagerness to pursue a newfound sexuality. in my experience, they tend to project that eagerness on anybody who shows them attention -- straight or gay. often with unfortunate results all around.
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Postby solitaryman1969 » Sat Mar 21, 2009 9:02 pm

In my case it also has to do with self esteem.

Now that I've worked on my self esteem over the years, the straight crush has not reared its ugly head.

And yes there are some really good looking guys at my gym, but after awhile, they've started to look rather generic.
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Postby jkav » Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:50 pm

For me, the straight crush thing was--and still occasionally is--a recurring issue, but I think it stems mostly from a fear of rejection. It's easy to crush on a straight guy, because its never going to go anywhere, and thus there's no pressure to act upon it and risk being shut down.

Also, a growing number of straight guys are okay with, and even enjoy, getting attention from gay guys, which confuses the compass a bit. Remember when you immediately knew if a guy was gay based on whether or not he was trying to beat you up?
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Postby jkav » Sat Mar 21, 2009 11:52 pm

For me, the straight crush thing was--and still occasionally is--a recurring issue, but I think it stems mostly from a fear of rejection. It's easy to crush on a straight guy, because its never going to go anywhere, and thus there's no pressure to act upon it and risk being shut down.

Also, a growing number of straight guys are okay with, and even enjoy, getting attention from gay guys, which confuses the compass a bit. Remember when you immediately knew if a guy was gay based on whether or not he was trying to beat you up?
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Postby michaelk69 » Sun Mar 22, 2009 2:29 am

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Postby foxeyes2 » Mon Mar 23, 2009 7:26 am

Well I am going to wade in here and try to say something that makes sense.

while having a crush on a straight guy can be a pain I don't view it much differently than having a crush on a married/partnered gay guy as both are unavailable. Yes I know that at least with the gay guy there is a chance of a breakup but that is not a good plan.

So whenever I have a crush on a straight guy I celebrate the fact that at least I am capable of feeling something. Then I examine what it is about them that I find attractive, whether it is their looks or their personality or what. That helps me understand myself better.

My advice is to not beat yourself up over it but know that you can't act on it either.
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Postby solitaryman1969 » Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:08 am

In the past with my crushes, I never let myself see the real person and always saw them through rose coloured glasses.

And it was always a rude wakeup call when the real person came to light.

Now when I see someone who I find goodlooking I think I could be interested in, I now say to myself:

"Yeah, he's good looking....so was Ted Bundy." :shock:
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Postby PhillyAgenda » Mon Mar 30, 2009 2:14 am

yeah I've had a few. None of them close friends. The one in high school I didn't even know.

In college, there were at least 2. And I did see and talk to them from time to time. Even did a project for a class with one of them. And it is a pain. I got so tired of having to see these guys on a regular basis. Also I did basically assume they were hetero. Kind of regret not getting to know them better. Guess it just seemed impossible in my mind at the time.

Hasn't happened lately. And I'm definitely not looking forward to the next time it does.
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Postby Daknee » Mon Mar 30, 2009 10:50 am

After reading and agreeing and feeling much of what's been said here, I suddenly realize this topic is no different than a hetrosexual man or women pining over someone who does not know they exit. I suppose it just a way of life. :cry: The best thing I suppose is to just keep moving forward.
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Postby catapult » Wed Apr 01, 2009 10:41 pm

Good stuff here. I've enjoyed a few crushes with straight friends. I just knew I had to keep it Platonic and just enjoy what I could. But I did become jealous and possessive and even demanding with one or two and that's not good or fair to them. And of course, most of us never tell the ones we have a crush on so they never can understand our real feelings and resulting possibly inappropriate behavior. In that way it can become a bit stifling and toxic and not good for either friend, so we have to be aware and know the boundaries. And maybe even be honest if it is a good friend.
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Re:

Postby muse » Wed Feb 09, 2011 5:59 pm

PhillyAgenda wrote:In college, there were at least 2. And I did see and talk to them from time to time. Even did a project for a class with one of them. And it is a pain.

I suddenly realize this topic is no different than a hetrosexual man or women pining over someone who does not know they exit. I suppose it just a way of life.



i currently have these strong feelings for a (assuming he is straight, because he has a girlfriend) guy at Uni...ive also worked with him, and the pain is heartbreaking...

i think its harder for a gay guy to approach a "straight guy" because firstly you don't know if he could be into guys too..and it could be offensive to the straight guy to be thought of being gay, if he is 100% straight.

did anyone find out if their crushes were straight, or were they merely assumtions?
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Re: Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

Postby Davy » Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:31 pm

I don't have "crushes" anymore. That went away with my teen years. But I can recall many times during that period when every single guy I did have a crush on was straight. That was before facebook, before SA.com, before match.com and all that. Kids today have idea how easy they have it.
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Re: Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

Postby Davy » Mon Oct 03, 2011 7:42 pm

Update: I must now eat those words I posted above.

A few weeks ago, I was doing some work in the yard and a neighbor came over and introduced himself. Since then, the two of us have become great friends and have spent an enormous amount of time together. I'm pretty sure he is not gay because by now that would have become apparent. So I am operating under the assumption that I have fallen for a straight guy and that there is no chance it will lead to anything more than a friendship, which is just fine with me. At the same time, I have decided that pursuing a relationship with him or anyone else is not in my best interests at the moment.
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Re: Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

Postby nimby » Wed Oct 05, 2011 12:36 pm

Bromances are very cool too. Enjoy it. Is he single? The one thing I've learned lately is you can never assume a guy's sexuality. Just go with the flow and see where it takes you.
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Re: Dealing with wrong-orientation crushes

Postby Phoenix6570 » Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:27 am

I used to have a huge crush on one of my college buddies. I remember when I first met him I thought he was so hot I could barely keep my eyes off him. Then I realized he lived one room down from me and I was determined to become friends with him. I did flirt with him slightly but since he's straight nothing went anywhere. It was difficult dealing with my feelings for him. Not only did I love his short muscular tanned body, but I really connected with him. We shared many of the same interests and loved getting drunk together.

The best part is we could talk and share our feelings together easily. He was one of the few people I came out to. Even though that happened by accident it still happened and didn't hurt our friendship at all. Strengthening our friendship made it easier to deal with the crush even though the attraction never died down. He used to always walk around shirtless which made it difficult for me not to admire his body. One time I got to see him full frontal naked coming out of the shower and that certainly made my day :twisted:
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