Put Up Your Dukes! - Couples In Combat

Talk about romance and dating, or lack there of.

Moderators: selective_soldier, olywaguy, solat

How do you feel about arguments with your guy?

We never argue.
1
11%
We argue on occasion. It helps clear the air.
3
33%
We like to fight 'cause we always kiss and make up.
0
No votes
We use communication to avoid arguments.
3
33%
We fight and I hate it.
1
11%
Arguments have led to more breakups than I care to remember.
0
No votes
I can't cope with arguments at all.
1
11%
 
Total votes : 9

Put Up Your Dukes! - Couples In Combat

Postby Smitty » Sat Feb 26, 2005 3:24 pm

Now, I'm not talking about abuse or fist fights - though you are free to offer any titilating tidbits you care to share. :wink:

I'm talking about arguments.

We can be as sensitive and caring as we like, but do two people ever perfectly mesh? Won't tension build over time? Isn't arguing a healthy pressure release valve? My mind says "Yes!". There should be room, I tell myself, within a healthy relationship for disagreement and argument without threatening the relationship.

Emotionally, however, arguments wipe me out. It's as if it is all or nothing. Like everything is at stake. To argue is to end the relationship. Totally irrational - I know. I avoid confrontations with those I love at all costs and I'm not sure it is conducive to healthy communication. In fact I know it isn't. :(

Anyway, blather, blather, blather, I'm interested in your viewpoints.

I'm sure I haven't listed all the possible options in the poll, but try to work with it. :)

Do you and your guy fight? Is it healthy for you or not?
"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." -- George W. Bush, in a CNN interview. 12-18-00
User avatar
Smitty
Member
 
Posts: 470
Joined: Mon Jan 17, 2005 3:18 pm
Location: Oregon Coast

Postby g.cunningham » Wed Mar 02, 2005 10:08 am

Maybe not the best title but an interesting topic...

In my case the most important factor in avoiding disagreements is COMMUNICATION. I am a person who by nature tries to avoid conflict. Sometimes it’s just not possible. But if I think about the times I’ve been angry or we’ve had major or minor disagreements it all stemmed from a breakdown in communication.

I think we learn how to resolve conflict at home at an early age. I had the advantage and to some extent the disadvantage of having parents that NEVER argued or disagreed in front of "the kids". I grew up not knowing that you could be mad at someone, be angry with someone and disagree with someone and still love them.

This came as a real shock when I had my first relationships and conflicts came up. I was unprepared on how to resolve the problem and how to handle the emotions and the hurt feelings. Trial an error led me to the conclusion that if both parties talk freely and without shouting, accusations, hurtful digs and revenge most of the conflicts I’ve had could be resolved.

I’m not a shouter and shouting will get you no where with me. I'll shut down and walk away. If someone hit me in a moment of anger it would be the last time they’d hit me. There would be no further point of discussion or compromise. I have few rules but violence is a deal breaker. Hurtful insults get you no where and after the passion of the moment they can not be taken back. I’m the type that will forgive but will never forget.

What has worked for me is to try to talk in neutral territory. To state my case with out insulting or demeaning my partner or his feelings.

After all our years together we have of course had our ups and downs. We’ve had very tense moments. Like my parents we did not hang our dirty laundry where others could see or hear.

When I think of every instance where I was angry, hurt, disappointed or insulted it all came down to a lack of communication. I had not made myself clear, we had taken each other for granted and assumed (assume makes an "ASS of U and ME) something, we gave or sent missed signals that were too obscure or subtle. We unintentionally said or did something to the other because of some other source of stress. We’d verbally snap, be biting, sarcastic, bitchy and/or take out the frustration unfairly on each other. This too could be resolved when we talked about it.

We decide very early on in our relationship that there was nothing too bad, nothing too personal, nothing too forbidden or weird that we could not talk about it. We’ve worked through lots and lots of problems. In many cases we had to because it was just the two of us against the world. We had no one else to turn to.

So my advice put down your dukes open your ears and your mind and listen to each other and really hear what is being said. There is almost always a solution. When not then agree to disagree and move on.


gary
g.cunningham
Junior Member
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 8:17 pm

Postby RedMenace » Wed Mar 02, 2005 11:29 am

I agree with Gary. Arguments can be neatly avoided if there is communication to go with love. That keeps a misunderstanding from getting out of hand and although it sounds simple I feel it's sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do. Another thing that can sometimes be difficult is learning to discern what really isn't a big deal and should be dropped. Those are two invaluable skills I am refining.
User avatar
RedMenace
Moderator
 
Posts: 121
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2004 2:57 pm
Location: Texas

Postby michaelk69 » Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:42 pm

g.cunningham wrote:We decided very early on in our relationship that there was nothing too bad, nothing too personal, nothing too forbidden or weird that we could not talk about it.


Jeez, Gary, I swear we were separated at birth . . .

We have just the same policy, and it definitely keeps everything on an even keel, it really does. But you have to FORCE yourself to talk about things, even if you feel like a complete idiot and your face turns red and you have to look at the floor while you talk, heh heh . . .

But, the upside is that we have never had an argument. No, really. Never. We have disagreed about things - of course - but only in a calm and measured and constructive way. No yelling, no shouting, and neither of us has ever said a word to the other in anger . . . has never said ANYTHING to hurt the other's feelings intentionally . . . have never raised our voices to each other even.

People ask: what is the secret?

But there is no secret - apart from what Gary has already said above!

Just KEEP TALKING.
michaelk69
Member
 
Posts: 336
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2004 4:11 pm
Location: Montpellier, France

Postby GX » Wed Mar 02, 2005 3:24 pm

Of course we do...all couples do at some point. Some more than others. The thing is is that you just have to be willing to come to a compromise.

I usually just throw tantrums and pout
:lol:
Then my bf will feel guilty and make up with me hehe
User avatar
GX
Member
 
Posts: 153
Joined: Mon Dec 06, 2004 9:16 pm
Location: Florida

Postby RedRage00 » Thu Mar 03, 2005 3:54 pm

My last relationship was only 9 months. We only had one argument during the whole time.....We got along great....just that nothing was there. We are still friends....

Joe
User avatar
RedRage00
Member
 
Posts: 396
Joined: Sun Oct 17, 2004 1:16 am
Location: Dallas, Tx

Postby Noodle » Thu Mar 03, 2005 11:07 pm

Just more proof that Im a freak LOL

We have been togehter since 1992, we are one year apart in age, both str8 acting, some might even say masculine. We weigh about the same, and are about the same height also.

WE HAVE fought like cats and dogs before. We communicate pretty well for the most part.... but we have fought also. Physically also. More than once too.

Im not one for violence but If you strike me, IM GOING TO STRIKE YOU BACK period. My partner, sometimes me even, dont always make the best desicions in the heat of the moment. Like gary, I can forgive, but I seldom forget. To me, words can sometimes be as hurtful as physical violence. My BF on the other hand, comes from a loud arguing family of 4 kids, to him its just words....'They dont really mean anything' I was just mad, etc,etc. I think sometimes even though a person may be hurt or whatever, you have to go by intent, more so than what was actually said.

Words dont really bother me...Im secure/arrogant enough to not have to rely on reassurances from others on my self worth etc.

Were getting old though so we havent had to break out our dukes lately. LOL

Noodle
Noodle
Newbie
 
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:19 am
Location: Kentuckiana

Postby drtom » Sun Mar 06, 2005 1:57 pm

Smitty:

GREAT topic. Billy also did something along these lines in the thread "NO! You are! How do you mentally defend yourself?" I had intended to reply to that thread but never got around to it.

There should be room, I tell myself, within a healthy relationship for disagreement and argument without threatening the relationship.


Totally agree.

Emotionally, however, arguments wipe me out. It's as if it is all or nothing. Like everything is at stake. To argue is to end the relationship. Totally irrational - I know. I avoid confrontations with those I love at all costs and I'm not sure it is conducive to healthy communication. In fact I know it isn't.


I do NOT avoid confrontations. I would much rather get something out in the open and resolve it than to sweep it under a rug. Arguments don’t need to be a win-lose proposition. Here's a good article on how to argue fairly:

http://conflict911.com/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=4786

Last year while attending the 2004 annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science in Seattle I decided to attend a presentation delivered by Dr. John Gottman at the University Of Washington. This has nothing to do with my field, but the presentation sounded really interesting. Gottman and his team devised a test for marital bliss based on how a couple interacts when arguing. Supposedly, he can predict with 94 percent accuracy, which marriages will last and which will end in divorce. His formula is based on observations of 600 couples for almost 20 years and how they handle conflict in their relationships.

USA Today published an article about Dr. Gottman’s research. Here is the URL:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/200 ... iage_x.htm

Gottman said his team found that there basically are three types of stable marriages.

The first is a husband and wife who routinely avoids conflict.

When a difference of opinion arises, said Gottman, "they will never argue. They will listen to the other, but will not try to persuade."

Such marriages, which he calls the "avoiders," may be unemotional and distant, but they endure.

A second type is a volatile relationship "like two lawyers in a courtroom," said Gottman.

"They can argue at the drop of a hat. They are the Bickersons," he said. Such marriages tend to last even though there are frequent and impassioned arguments.

The third type of stable marriage Gottman calls the "validating" couple. They listen to each other, respect the other's opinion and only occasionally argue.

"They pick the issues they fight about," he said.

Trouble in marriages comes when the couples are a mix of personalities that do not mesh in resolving conflicts. For instance, a husband who is a volatile arguer married to a wife who is an "avoider", or one who flees from disagreement, may be in marital trouble, he said.

"Couples like that are usually heading for a divorce," he said.


This guy has done OUTSTANDING research (in my opinion). It is important to learn how to argue fairly as the article from the conflict911 library suggests, but another key issue is the MATCH. Match two people who argue fairly and resolve conflicts similarly and you have a successful relationship. Match two people who argue fairly but have different conflict resolution strategies and you’ve got trouble.

Tom
User avatar
drtom
Moderator
 
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2004 10:33 am
Location: Seattle, WA

Re: Put Up Your Dukes! - Couples In Combat

Postby woodsman08 » Thu Jan 22, 2015 2:15 pm

I've had two lovers with whom I had fistfights. With each of them I wound up saying that I wouldn't abandon them, that we had some sh*t to work out, that we both needed to get real about our feelings, and in the end said that at least a fistfight is FOR REAL and says a lot about passion and MASCULINITY.
I don't advocate physical fighting, but I can't say it's the worst thing that ever happened.
What did your Dad say about a fight? Best to get it over with. Defend yourself. Prove to yourself that you aren't going to take it.

Anyhow, the makeup sex was AWESOME.

Real men sometimes have sh*t to work out. We aren't diplomats or pacifists, we are men. We wipe out occasionally, but isn't that part of the deal?

Cheers guys.
woodsman08
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2015 1:53 pm


Return to Dating, Commitment and Romance

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests