How do you know if a guy is gay?

Discussion on what it means to be straight acting, whether it's good, bad or indifferent.

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Postby buccoman » Fri Mar 10, 2006 6:08 am

Okay, let's look at this in reverse....No one EVER seems to know I'm gay. Straight folk never even believe me when I tell them. What am I doing "wrong?"
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Postby madsglen » Fri Mar 10, 2006 9:50 pm

buccoman wrote:Okay, let's look at this in reverse....No one EVER seems to know I'm gay. Straight folk never even believe me when I tell them. What am I doing "wrong?"


You're not doing anything wrong, Bucco. You're just being yourself and being honest. Sometimes people hear what they want to hear. Sometimes they just don't get that not all gay men are 'flamers'. Short of wearing a pink (or gold lame') cap embroidered with the words 'Out-n-Proud Queer Here' or going everywhere in a flouncy little 'skating outfit' (can you say 'Johnnie Weir'?) there's not much you can do.

Come to think of it, even those aren't necessarily good indicators. Sorry buddy, your screwed... :wink:
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Postby Schlodesss » Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:47 am

buccoman wrote:Okay, let's look at this in reverse....No one EVER seems to know I'm gay. Straight folk never even believe me when I tell them. What am I doing "wrong?"


Tell me about it, I just had that happen yet again the other day at work.

As for just asking someone flat out if they are gay.. I wouldn't. It just seems way to invasive. But this made me think of something..

It's funny as there seems to be this double standard. It's mostly ok for a straight girl to aske me out on a date... what I mean is.. mostly i'm flattered that she would choose me, but well, I want men so.. and most other Gay guys I know or Lesbians for that matter too... we don't get all butt hurt over something like being asked out by a straight person that isn't aware we are infact into the same sex, not opposite..

But when a gay person makes the mistake of even just HINTING to a straight person [well, i'm saying we don't really know if they are straight. I mean,.., they are single.. so our minds we're hoping....] about maybe liking them or wanting to go on a date, it's very very rare that the straight person isn't all put out, mad, freaked out, etc. Few of them react with the "I'm flattered but no thanks, i'm not i to that.." and instead they stop speaking to you, or act "on guard" when you are near them. It's like it permanently ruins things between you and the person.

Why is this? I'm for the most part flattered, yet, disappointed when I get asked out by a chick. So, I wonder why... when I developed a crush on my one friend Craig a few years back... and after a year and a half of becoming good friends, staying there till the sun came up just watchin TV and BS'ing all night, etc.. I told him I was Gay.. and kinda dropped hints about liking him, he was NOT impressed whatsoever.. almost mad. The friendship ended because of it... I still think of him to this day too.. [liked him alot].

I dunno, just seems like it's ok for "them" but not "us". But I should be used to that by now as that's the way it is..... it's [it's = Gay] NOT OK. [for other stuff too if yer Gay, not just asking someone out who happens to be straight]
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Postby Negate » Sun Mar 12, 2006 12:52 pm

Schlodess dude tell me the story of them thinking you were straight! *sit indian style eager for a story* I understand Schlod and I was wondering the same as well...it think it just links to homophobia, honestly.
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Postby TNguy » Sun Mar 12, 2006 4:58 pm

buccoman wrote:Okay, let's look at this in reverse....No one EVER seems to know I'm gay. Straight folk never even believe me when I tell them. What am I doing "wrong?"


I have almost the same problem, sort of. I guess since no one can figure out if I'm str8 or gay, they just leave me alone. It would be nice to be hit on by someone every now and then. LOL

:shock:
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Postby rovie » Sun Apr 02, 2006 6:44 am

Yeah, it's true isn't it Steve.

I've had it a couple of times that when I was in the process of telling a straight friend that I was gay - it seemed they were aware of what I was about to do and prevented me from proceeding. I figured out what they were trying to shut me up so I stopped... and we remained great friends. In the two main cases I remember - I feel that the guys involved were fairly bi.

Seems for some that as long as you don't admit it - it's ok to be as camp as cloee to your straight friends and family.
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Postby Madcat » Fri Jul 07, 2006 9:42 pm

Hm... Interesting one. I prolly wouldn't be the judge of that, except I give off a lot of signals, prolly obvious 'pings' to the observant watcher. The ocasional side-of-the eye look, etc...

My problem is that my 'gaydar' is on the Fritz most of the time; its over-active. That or its just that I read WAAAAAY too much into peoples' body language... and its prolly the latter.

Anyways, just look for stuff like that. If a guy is watching you that closely, and not like a threat sorta way, then it might be easier to bet on it...
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Postby Gaydudelaf » Sat Jul 08, 2006 11:31 am

My Gaydar never worked, but when I was single, I just considered them straight and off limits to me romatically if they were not out, considered themselves bi or questioning, or didn't act interested. Of course I mean no disrespect to those who fall into that category and have some very great friends who do.
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Postby SportsOutdoorsGA » Thu Mar 01, 2007 9:55 am

charmcitywop wrote:I'm actually rather shy and as a reflex I will break eye contact. Sadly, the cuter the guy, the faster I usually avert!


I'm the same way. I can be intimidated by the attraction I feel toward a guy in a public place like a ballgame or the grocery store. I probably miss out on a lot of opportunities to meet a potential mate as a result. Doh!
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Postby Cajun » Thu Mar 01, 2007 10:49 am

SportsOutdoorsGA wrote:
charmcitywop wrote:I'm actually rather shy and as a reflex I will break eye contact. Sadly, the cuter the guy, the faster I usually avert!


I'm the same way. I can be intimidated by the attraction I feel toward a guy in a public place like a ballgame or the grocery store. I probably miss out on a lot of opportunities to meet a potential mate as a result. Doh!


Count me in on this one as well - Vince can attest that I'm not necessarily shy per se, but I tell people at work that if they want to know who I'm attracted to, just watch out for who I AVOID having any contact with, and you'll know :roll:
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Postby RedKen99 » Tue Mar 06, 2007 3:40 am

spinmearound wrote:well. The only thing I know is that if I meet a guy who I find interesting, I get to know that guy and when I become his friend, I have by then already found out whether the dude likes guys or not. I watch his eyes and listen to his words. I see when he looks at other guys and when he looks at girls. I try to read his flow. If you ever have the chance to smoke out with him or drink with him, then you will have a better ability to tell. This works especially well if you never tell him you are even into guys.


Agreed. My gaydar is very good! Most gay men I know are closeted.
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Postby Odeh » Sat Mar 10, 2007 1:53 pm

In my experience,most definely it is the eye contact...however as of late
one guy has started speaking to me FIRST..in the halls at work..or where ever he sees me and no matter who he is with..when he first started speaking I had my back turned and thought it was a general hello from
a general person in public...then over time I noticed it was this same guy.

Then I noticed he speaks to alot of people..so I don't know if he is just socially outgoing or there is a gay thing going on here?...we did make
small talk once at the elevator about weekend plans..he said he was
going to a football game..didn't say with whom and there was no ring on
his finger and he is very masculine so my gaydar is like 50/50...he could
be totally masculine and still like guys..I will pay more attention to his eyes next time...
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Re: How do you know if a guy is gay?

Postby Duskofdead » Tue Apr 03, 2007 11:22 pm

jman2005 wrote:Im bisexual and have horrible gaydar. How do u know if a guy is gay? Especially since theyre masculine.


There is absolutely no reliable answer. There are ways perhaps to spot "obvious people" but even then you are, at best, making an assumption unless they flat out tell you. I am open to the probability that out of 100 "very obviously gay men", 5-10 or more of them are in fact not really gay but just fit some physical stereotypes.

Unless someone tells you, you really don't know. And yes, there are guys who are gay and won't admit it for whatever reason, even if they are your friend/relative/whatever. It's a matter of privacy for a lot of people, and a matter of discretion and caution for others.

My rule of thumb is just go with what people tell you. If someone really is gay but denies it, there's a reason they aren't telling you and you really shouldn't appoint yourself a detective to find out or prove him wrong. Just get to know people and if they are they are, and if they're not they're not.
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Postby noeasilver » Thu May 10, 2007 8:05 pm

i think the eye thing works best if you are good looking yourself. If you're like me, you wont ever find any eye contacts. ever...
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Postby olywaguy » Thu May 10, 2007 8:19 pm

I've been getting a lot of eye contact lately from this one guy at the college. I've caught him watching me several times. Today, we crossed paths in opposite directions as I was headed to the restroom. We both said a soft hello to each other.

Had I not been in a hurry to go to the restroom, I would've introduced myself.
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Postby chrismanos » Fri May 11, 2007 5:58 am

what? he didn't follow you to the men's room, Carlos?
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Postby Negate » Fri May 11, 2007 7:05 am

noeasilver wrote:i think the eye thing works best if you are good looking yourself. If you're like me, you wont ever find any eye contacts. ever...


IF that's you in your avatar than hell yeah I would give you eye contact!
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Postby olywaguy » Fri May 11, 2007 8:49 am

chrismanos wrote:what? he didn't follow you to the men's room, Carlos?


No, I was headed to the restroom and he was headed the other way.
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Postby Duskofdead » Mon Jun 04, 2007 9:21 pm

olywaguy wrote:I've been getting a lot of eye contact lately from this one guy at the college. I've caught him watching me several times. Today, we crossed paths in opposite directions as I was headed to the restroom. We both said a soft hello to each other.

Had I not been in a hurry to go to the restroom, I would've introduced myself.


Speaking in general, not necessarily to Oly's post.. I think eye contact is open to enormous bias taint. If you like a guy or find him attractive then you may interpret any sort of eye contact as a "sign." Plus I have plenty of straight friends who admit that they size up other guys' looks, or compare physiques. Catching a guy looking at you or any other guy isn't a reliable indication of anything, IMHO.
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Postby RedKen99 » Fri Jun 22, 2007 6:00 pm

This reminds me about a man I knew. My family knows tons of people from church. I'll make it real simple. Leni -a woman- has a younger sister named Anne. Anne visits town with her new attractive husband, Ron. At first glance I wondered if he was gay?

He tried to fitt in an act like a good in-law. Well two years later they got divorced. I found out that Ron had a gambling problem, and was squandering their money away. Last of all, he ended up being "gay".

I just smiled to myself, when I found out because something told me he was. I never once talked to him or anything, but just always saw him from a distance. It showed me that my gaydar is really good.
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Postby HetHater » Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:29 pm

Schlodesss wrote:But when a gay person makes the mistake of even just HINTING to a straight person [well, i'm saying we don't really know if they are straight. I mean,.., they are single.. so our minds we're hoping....] about maybe liking them or wanting to go on a date, it's very very rare that the straight person isn't all put out, mad, freaked out, etc. Few of them react with the "I'm flattered but no thanks, i'm not i to that.." and instead they stop speaking to you, or act "on guard" when you are near them. It's like it permanently ruins things between you and the person.

You seem reluctant to call the double standard by its name: homophobia. You are also obviously not willing to get as angry about it as I am.
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Postby HetHater » Sat Jun 23, 2007 1:35 pm

rovie wrote:Seems for some that as long as you don't admit it - it's ok to be as camp as cloee to your straight friends and family.

Bingo. This is at the root of the distinction I make between gays and homos (which has upset some people on this web site). To spell things out: 1) gayness is not about sexuality but about gender...about how one "manifests" oneself. 2) Heteros like gayness. So does the market. 3) The real threat to society is the homo, not the gay: gayphobia is not homophobia. 4) Ergo, gayness is not only part of heterosexuality, it IS heterosexuality.
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Postby selective_soldier » Sun Jul 01, 2007 4:57 pm

For the Non obvious gay dude,

:idea: I think it's in the look/gaze. When he think no one's looking, the long gaze. & when he tinks he's noticed, the way he hurries & looks away.

:idea: The way he tries too hard, not to check out attractive guys in the room.

:idea: When women walk in the room.

The way he does or doesn't check them out.

:idea: Depending on how long you've known the guy; how chummy he is, how close he invades your space, or any other guy's space he's around.
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Postby Matuso » Thu Jul 12, 2007 10:25 pm

Their ass can be a good reference. A really hot ass on a guy tends to indicate that either he's blessed with a nice ass, or is gay. I've never known a straight man who purposefully takes care of his ass.

Also, if they dress really well, but then you're just entering metrosexual territory.

But really, I knew a guy who had probably the nicest ass I've ever seen, but he claimed to be straight. A couple years later I saw him walking hand-in-hand with...another guy.

So it might be something you wanna look out for.

But, like a few other people said, there's honestly no concrete way to tell.
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Postby jpaul74 » Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:22 pm

I feel like i've just received 12 full years worth of REAL education.

I get lots of eye contact, but like others too, I turn away too quickly.

Although last week I was walking around the YMCA and as I was going past the weightroom, this guy I'd seen earlier (I saw his ass first as I was walking up a set of stairs behind him 8)) came after me to tell me that he didn't recognize me from before when he'd seen me! I'd gotten a haircut. He was pretty chatty. And, he was looking DIRECTLY into my eyes.

Same thing with the friend of one of my co-workers. He came in to pick her up and as they/I were talking, I noticed he kept staring at me and smiling. I've told her that I could swear he's gay, and she says he's got a girlfriend AND that she's thought the same thing. Now he acts weird towards me if he sees me. THAT'S what pisses me off about all of this! He's the one who began the staring, not me. Now i'm the leper. blah!
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