Is my boyfriend gay?

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Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby eyesrsmiling » Thu Jul 29, 2010 5:17 am

Hi everyone. I am a straight girl dating a guy that I think might be gay. I hope you guys can give me your opinion on whether or not he is and a little advice on what you think I should do. We have been dating almost a year now and we have not had sex yet. By sex I mean intercourse. We both give and receive oral sex, touch, kiss and hug. I have even had to revive my high school skill of giving hand jobs, which he seems to like too. He has attempted intercourse with me a few times but immediately loses his erection when he does so. I finally asked him what was going on and he said he had "performance anxiety" because he said he doesn't last very long. I gave him a list of sex therapists in our area and volunteered to go with him and help him work it out but doesn't seem interested in doing that either. What do you guys think?
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Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby butch » Thu Jul 29, 2010 8:51 pm

eyesrsmiling wrote:Hi everyone. I am a straight girl dating a guy that I think might be gay. I hope you guys can give me your opinion on whether or not he is and a little advice on what you think I should do. We have been dating almost a year now and we have not had sex yet. By sex I mean intercourse. We both give and receive oral sex, touch, kiss and hug. I have even had to revive my high school skill of giving hand jobs, which he seems to like too. He has attempted intercourse with me a few times but immediately loses his erection when he does so. I finally asked him what was going on and he said he had "performance anxiety" because he said he doesn't last very long. I gave him a list of sex therapists in our area and volunteered to go with him and help him work it out but doesn't seem interested in doing that either. What do you guys think?


Well, boyfriend is afraid of something. Just what is not necessarily a simple answer. Why does he go out with you? Is it companionship or sex? Most guys just love sex and can't get enough. But it could be fear of committment, disease, children. Who knows? But definitely not a good sign, however, if he's into oral sex on your parts, that's very unusual for a gay guy who would rather suck acid. If he has trouble getting it up, and some guys do, he should ask a doctor to consider him for viagra. These kinds of problems, the physical ones, rarely get better and limp weeny syndrome may possibly only be fixed with a chemical assist.
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Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby olywaguy » Thu Jul 29, 2010 9:45 pm

Well, I don't know for sure if he's gay or not. That's something he may have to answer himself. But, a lack of sexual performance could also be due to health issues. I am a diabetic and one of the side effects of the condition has to do with sexual performance. You may advise him to see a doctor for any medical condition that might be causing this. If not, then, it is a mental condition and it would be best for him to see a psychologist/psychiatrist/counselor.

Also, who said that oral, touching, and kissing is not real sex? Who said intercourse is the only thing called sex? Where do people come up with this idea? Sex is shared intimacy between two people...it doesn't matter how's that accomplished.

Besides a lack of enthusiasm for intercourse, what else have you noticed in the way he behaves? Does he look at any guys?...steal any glances at men?...etc.
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More about him

Postby eyesrsmiling » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:47 am

Thank you for your responses.

Olywaguy: I realize that the things we do are sex, but I just feel so childish doing them. These are the things I did back in high school when I was avoiding intercourse but still trying to have a little fun.

I hope this doesn't get too long and boring, but here is a little more about him:

He was married (to a woman) for about 10 years and he has 2 children. He's been divorced for about 4 years now. I don't think he has had a long term relationship since his marriage because the last time he, er, attempted to perform he told me it had been a long time since he had been with anyone. That is the time he told me about the anxiety and also said he was worried that his lack of performance would make me leave him. I told him it would not but at that time I didn't know he would refuse counseling. I don't think it is a physical problem because he gets and maintains an erection when I give him a hand or blow job. He ejaculates every time too. I thought the condom was the reason he couldn't perform so we both got tested and I started taking the Pill, but still the same problem.

I have been wondering why he goes out with me. I was thinking maybe I am just his cover. The people at work all think he is a nice guy and when he asked me out they all said, "Finally he meets a nice girl." They were all trying to set him up all the time and so I was wondering if he did this to get them off his back. I read an interview of Thomas Roberts', the gay journalist, and he said when he went to a new job he would ask a girl out right away, date her for a while, break up with her and then tell anyone he was too hurt to date again for a while. This would stop people from fixing him up and would also keep them from suspecting he was gay. I sort of wonder if that is what he is doing, but a year is a long time just for a cover.

He has said some things that concern me when he was just kidding. We went to high school together and then ended up working in the same office 20 years later. He was telling me one day about a mutual high school friend and said he is gay. I said I didn't think so. He said he is because they made out back in high school and then said just kidding. That was early in the relationship and I just ignored that at the time. He points out gay guys to me while we are out. He makes a really big deal about a local weather forecaster who he says does the weather with flair, yet he watches him every day.

I really like this guy and he is sweet and affectionate and a gentleman but if he is really gay I think he deserves to be happy. I don't see how he could be happy with me with my girl bits if he'd rather be looking at/playing with boy bits.
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Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby butch » Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:21 pm

Butch says the boyfriend is using you, whether he realizes it, or not. You have each developed co-dependency for different reasons to the same result. You're still together.

So, Butch says, based upon your update, that boyfriend is gay and he may never really come out of the closet and is likely to engage in less than safe sex to meet any of his male-male desires. So it's time for your "we need to talk" talk with boyfriend and let him know it's just not working out for you and it's you not him, etc.

good luck with that.

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Re: More about him

Postby J » Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:55 pm

eyesrsmiling wrote:I really like this guy and he is sweet and affectionate and a gentleman but if he is really gay I think he deserves to be happy. I don't see how he could be happy with me with my girl bits if he'd rather be looking at/playing with boy bits.


Just as importantly, you deserve to be happy. And if he is gay, it's better you find out sooner than later, because it would allow you to move on and hopefully find the guy who you're really meant to be with. If he's not happy in this relationship, ultimately, you won't be either. I'm not saying that he definitely is gay, but for the sake of your own happiness, if he is a true gentleman, and knows you just want the truth so you two can either stay together and work things out (if he's into "girl bits", as you put it), or move on so that you both can find the happiness that you deserve. If he's gay and hiding it, IMHO, he's doing it at your expense. Again, since you're with him, you deserve to know so that you can move on if you need to, rather than let months/years go by. Whatever the case, I wish you the best, and hope everything works out! 8)
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Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby eyesrsmiling » Tue Aug 03, 2010 3:54 am

Thanks again guys for your responses.

Butch and J, I know you are right about him using me. I had decided this weekend I was going to have the talk. I was nervous and thought a little extra wine would give me courage. It didn't. It just made me less coordinated when I gave him his hand job. I admit it, I am a chicken. I am also selfish. I enjoy the cuddling and snuggling and him saying nice things to me and I know I am only keeping him for me and not because that is what is best for him. I will see him later this week and I will try again, this time with no wine at all. Maybe that will work better.
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Re: Update

Postby eyesrsmiling » Mon Aug 16, 2010 9:39 am

For those that are interested, here is the latest: We had a couple of talks last week. Well, I talked and mostly he listened. First, I sat him down and told him I was very concerned about our lack of intercourse given the length of our relationship. I used the word concerned because I was hoping he would ask me why I was concerned. Of course that didn't work. In response to me saying I was concerned he said I shouldn't be. So a few days later I sat him down for our second and hopefully final discussion about the subject. I told him that in the past when I refused to have sex with a guy I was seeing that was not a good sign. I told him if he says I shouldn't worry about it then I won't and I will let that subject rest. I also told him that I would rather not discuss anything that does or does not go on with us with our co-workers. I am very close with one of the girls at work and I think he thought I told her about our first heart-to-heart we had so when he saw her in the office her told her we were fighting. The next time I talked to her she asked what the fight was about. I didn't tell her. I gave him a warning, or maybe assurance, that I won't tell if he doesn't. Hopefully this leaves the door open for him to be honest with me one day.

For now, things will stay the same. I really don't want to go back to being the lonely girl sitting at home wishing I had something to do. We go out and have lots of fun. He tells me I'm beautiful and he loves me and what girl doesn't want to hear that? I also care for him a great deal and enjoy spending time with him. I'm sure things will change one day but I am going to enjoy our time together for now...and admire my biceps as I build them up with the workout they are getting lately. :wink:
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Re: Is my boyfriend gay?

Postby J » Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:01 pm

I admire your strength and perserverance as a woman in this situation. If something does need to be said, the truth WILL come out eventually. Who knows? Maybe he's just flat out against pre-marital sex? You have to be the judge on this, and ultimately, do what it is that will make YOU happy. I wish you the best of luck! :)
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