the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Discussion on what it means to be straight acting, whether it's good, bad or indifferent.

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the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby okapi56 » Tue Sep 01, 2009 6:26 pm

Unoriginal thought here, for sure...but personally speaking, this dilemma has never bothered
me moreso than at this point in my life.

I am a modest person, but to be frank- I know I would have no problem walking into a gay bar and
picking up a guy, even a "VGL" guy. I know I'm not alone in this, but the guy I'm interested in having
a long-term relationship with would never set foot in a gay bar.

So what's a guy to do? I don't feel safe with craigslist. I guess I'm just getting tired of "making eyes"
with guys and it never amounting to anything... and I don't believe when I see "straight-acting" as a self-
declared description on online dating sites. I don't think guys are always lying; it's just that their perspective
is biased by the way they want to view themselves. Anyway, i have to assume gays that i haven't met in person
are "obvious" until shown to be otherwise. And to clarify, there's nothing wrong w/ being obvious- it's just not
what I'm drawn to.

So other than the above venting, I guess I was wondering if anyone had any practical advice for strategies
to meet like-minded straight-acting gay guys in this world? Something that's worked for other people, maybe.
I'm pessimistic about their being any unique ideas, but figured I'd give it a shot. It's the reason I joined this site!

Thanks Guys
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby nimby » Tue Sep 01, 2009 11:44 pm

Hi and welcome,

When you figure out the answwer to your question, please pose it here for the rest of us. If seems to be a major dilemma around here. The only thing I can suggest is to stick around here a while, tell us what city you're in, and maybe a neighbour of yours is on here. After a bit you'll notice that there are quite a few masculine guys here.

Cheers
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby Earl Butz » Wed Sep 02, 2009 5:21 am

There used to be this bogus statistic floating around that 10% of the world is gay. The real number is closer to 2-3%. If you want a straight acting guy, the number is even lower.

Not to be a negative nelly or anything, but it is tough.

I won't offer you any advice, though. I'd be the worst person to ask anyway...
A hard man is good to find!
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Just Looking

Postby Learning » Wed Sep 02, 2009 6:04 am

I guess I'm just getting tired of "making eyes"
with guys and it never amounting to anything...


It is not a comfortable situation to want to be with a "straight acting" guy and have a hard time finding one.

A gay Navy recruiter friend used to say that it was best not to look at guys but to "let them look at you." He also said not to talk first but "let them talk to you first." His advice may seem extreme. But having someone show decisive interest rather than just casually checking puts people on the spot.
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby PhillyAgenda » Fri Sep 04, 2009 10:30 pm

That post sounds exactly like something I'd write. Except I'm one of the guy that's never been to a gay bar.

The real number is closer to 2-3%. If you want a straight acting guy, the number is even lower.

I hate to admit it, but it does seem that way. I've met some guys in person from internet sites, and it is pretty difficult to find guys who are actually masculine, not guys who just say they are. I've probably met 2 guys in person from the net who I would consider masculine like myself. One was married (yeah, of course), and the other was extremely closeted (not much better, even though we had some fun times, although only in his bedroom). Anyway, it's frustrating. I never imagined even with the internet it would be so difficult.
When you figure out the answwer to your question, please pose it here for the rest of us.

Seconded.
A gay Navy recruiter friend used to say that it was best not to look at guys but to "let them look at you." He also said not to talk first but "let them talk to you first."

Oh so that explains why nothings happening! j/k
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby LennieP » Sun Sep 06, 2009 6:01 am

WOW, I could have posted this! Live in a small town. 10 years with a bi-sexual man, who decided to marry a woman (no big deal, he always told me "someday"). We are still friends. I am looking for a man who ACTS like a man, I feel that I am str8 acting. Message me!! LennieP
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Dating Advisors

Postby Learning » Sun Sep 06, 2009 9:24 am

Repeated friendly glances may be less threatening than "making eyes with guys." Here is an example:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anNv1zQtShc

For general information on social networking and dating, some of the most up-to-date and researched information is available in the book First Impressions: What You Don't Know About How Others See You by Valerie White and Ann Demarais. They have online summaries:

http://www.firstimpressionsconsulting.c ... ables.html
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby butch » Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:47 pm

Strangely enough, the "secret" to meeting a like minded person is to talk to more people... it's a no-brainer, but takes getting over personal shyness.

Surveys of guys who meet more women have always come up with the same answer... they ask more girls to go out with them. It's nothing more than a numbers game.

Be yourself, don't try to be what you think others want you to be, and learn to approach and talk to more guys you find interesting. Talk to total strangers... that's how I met all three of my boyfriends in my life... the first relationship was very intense but failed after 2 years. The second lasted 18 years until he passed away, and the third lasted 10 years until we both moved to new cities (he was straight but we had a quite good sexual realationship... I thought it was OK, and it seemed to work for both of us).

If you sit around at home you will never meet anyone. Get out there, even if it is just going for a walk, or to the beach AND TALK TO GUYS. If you see someone that you think you like, find some excuse, any excuse, to talk to them.

In my life I have introduced at least 3 straight couples who ended up dating, and even married, because I introduced them.

I would overhear one of them talking about the other and I simply walked up to them and told the "other" person the first was interested in them.

An example... I was at a Burger King and a girl behind the counter was excitedly telling the other girls working there how much she thought a boy sitting at a booth was "just SO hot". So, when I got my burger, I went over to the table of teenage boys and told the boy in question that the girl thought he was really hot and if he was looking for a girlfriend, he should go say "hi". And he did.

Two weeks later (I used to go for the cheap Wednesday burgers) a couple of the boys were there and one of them came over and told me that the boy and the girl were now "going out".

And that would never have happened if I hadn't done them that favour. You can't be shy. Shy is for losers. Get over it... everyone is shy to some extent. Talk to as many guys as you can... it's no different than fishing. You have to keep casting the line.
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby medic » Sat Oct 10, 2009 8:52 am

Jesus the rigidity in that thinking is scary. What kind of man are looking for. You make it seem that he has to drag his knuckles on teh floor and speak in grunts. So what you are attracted more than anything is an ideal. That my friend will never work out. I am not saying that you have to like an effeminate man but you have to grow up and realize that the man of your dreams may have a few fem traits or something like that. I know the ideal, your super butch, he is super butch, you both watch football and punch each other and both pass in the world for straight. An ideal hardly ever realized and more to do with internal issues than anything else. Your guy is out there for you, just loosen up the reigns a little

g
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby nimby » Sat Oct 10, 2009 9:05 am

I don' think I would get along with a very butch guy, cause that's not what I'm like. I have some qualities of both masc. and femme. I've learned a very long time ago that if you have very rigid criteria for a partner, you'll probably never find them. Loosen up a bit and Mr. perfect could drop right in your lap!!
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby rob650 » Sat Oct 10, 2009 10:09 pm

I don't comment on SA much, but read this thread and wanted to add my .02 cents... (hey its a slow Saturday night....)

Okapi56, i'm voting with Butch that its about being a numbers game. I've seen this in action many times through my buddy Don, who is very outgoing and confident. He'll go up to a guy at the (supermarket / airport / ball game / gas station / etc...) and start a conversation very easily, usually ending with trading a phone # or business cards. I realize most of us wouldn't put ourselves out there in this manner, (Don has to schmooze, smile and socialize as part of his job, so its 2nd nature to him) but the sheer number of contacts work in his favor.

For the rest of us? The numbers work in our favor too, joining organizations outside the bar environment or some kind of social club. Helps us schmooze, smile and socialize, helps with the confidence that a man can smell from other men, like steak on a BBQ.
Too much noise, not enough signal...
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Re: the DILEMMA of the straight-acting gay man

Postby Syn » Tue May 25, 2010 10:36 pm

I think it seems like their are more feminine gay guys out their because we have no closet doors to hide behind :lol:
There are tons of straight-acting gay guys out there -nod- but you know what they are doing??
they are ACTING straight. they are so far in the closet they're in fricken Narnia :lol:
BUt don't worry.. like us fems say
If someone is meant to accept you
if someone is meant to love you
he'll find you :)
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